To think that HV would NOT have said THIS to me if......

[idrinkstraightwhiskey]

I was an 18 year old single mother in a council flat?

HV came when DS turned 4 months old to discuss weaning. She said government recommendations are 6 months old now. I told her that I had already tried him with some Ella's kitchen carrots/ parsnips etc and he had liked them (FYI I fed them to him for a few days then stopped as he didn't seem bothered and now just back on 100% milk diet). She replied "well you are a responsible parent anyway".

How does she know that? I am 33, this is second child. We live in nice house/ area.

AIBU to feel judged by this woman? For all she knows I could be a raving loony! Could her advice/ opinions be swayed by her perceptions of us?

I understand what you mean, OP. I was an 18 year old single mother myself and was treated appallingly by several midwives and my first HV. Of course HV's have to make judgements to determine what level of support etc. is required but these judgements should be made on a person to person level, not "she's a working class single mum, obviously knows nothing" or "she's a middle class married woman, obviously well-informed and responsible". I know plenty of young, single mum's who do a much better job of parenting than middle-class, married mum's. A lot of HV's get this. Some don't, sadly.

Oh fgs op don't you have better things to get so bothered about?
SO you are offended about a hypothetical situation about no one in particular
Man you have issues!

I'm confused, you're worrying about something said to you 15 years ago?

Also because when had DS1 was an 18 yo single mother in council flat... and HV was not nearly as pleasant to me then...

I think that, subsconsciously, it's more that you actually resent that you were judged back then, not that you're being judged now. It must have been very hard for you to be a mum at 18, and incredibly stressful, so having a baby now in different circumstances has probably raked up a few memories for you.

Remember that guidelines are just that - guides. They're not rules, and your HV knows that. She can see that you seem fine, your baby seems fine and your environment seems fine and she'll know from talking to you that you aren't clueless and are an experienced parent. You tried a four-month-old on veg puree to see if he's keen, that's all - you didn't boast to the HV that you've been force-feeding him full roast dinners!

Your previous HV was rotten to you because she was a rotten person, not because you were an 18 year old mum. Your current HV is just nicer, I think.

But OP, it's not like weaning at 4 months is going to be really really bad or anything. It's just that the government guidelines have changed. Maybe the HV thinks that weaning at 4 month is better, but has to mention the guidelines. So she told you 'don't worry, I am sure you're doing what's best'. She was not judging, she was being nice and there will be generations of children weaned at 4 months. You weren't saying something like 'I regularly go out shopping and leave the baby at home unsupervised'.

And I think that like it or not, single teenage parents are going to be judged. Statistically, it is unlikely to be a planned pregnancy, they will often lack a support network, lack the maturity to deal with parenthood, will lack financial resources or the ability to budget. They are likely to need significantly more help and guidance than a parent in their 30s. Therefore, it would be irresponsible for HVs and MWs to simply leave teenage parents to it and let them choose what is best. You do get exceptions of course, but the intervention (which can come across as judging) is ultimately out of concern for the child.

You feel judged by this woman? . Find a real bigger problem, dear. You've got too much time on your hands.

Op you do realise that your hv will have seen things way way worse than a bit of vegetable pureé being fed outside of the weaning age guidelines? I saw a client who was trying to feed her 8 week old baby spaghetti hoops ffs!! Ofcourse your hv has assessed you it's part of the bloody job. What did you want her to do? She's there to offer guidance and advice none of which is legally obligatory. Did you want her to cart you off to some sort of mumsnet judgement prison? Bizarre.

You are actually showing your own prejudices. Yes she might well have said exactly the same to you if you were "an 18 year old single mother in a council flat?"!!! Are you saying they can't be judged positively too?

Yes you were judged. It's her job to judge as such, if she didn't then either everyone would need extra help or nobody would need any intervention, extra help or SS etc.

Good grief. The fact she has looked around at the multitude of responsible parenting she can see in your house is why she can call you responsible with some confidence! If you'd have come across as a raving loony, naice house/area, well off or not, she'd be making some phone calls for sure.

If she's been a HV for a while then she will remember when 4 months was the recommended weaning age, and babies didn't choke in droves. It's not that big a deal.

I've heard it all now!

I actually do know what you mean, Op. I'd feel the same.

I was a single mum, 18yo, council flat when my daughter was born.
I was very easily intimidated by professionals such as HV, midwives, nursery teachers etc. They were either very patronising or spoke down to me. And for me, i was embarrassed about my situation. I had become a 'statistic' and I knew that these professional women - who were older and I assumed much wiser than me - were going to be judging my skills as a mother based in part on my then current situation.

I often think how guilty i will feel if i ever have another child. In the past ten years, my situation has changed. I'm much more confident, financially better off and almost finished my professional degree. My hypothetical second child will have a much better start to life than my daughter had. And as a result, i feel that midwives, nursery teachers etc will view me in a much more positive light ans treat me with more respect than i received when i was the 18yo new mother living in a crappy council flat.

So I think the way you are feeling now is in part guilt at the better start your second child has had compared to your first, and also your motherly instinct to have both children treated equally by these professionals in their early days when in fact that is likely not going to happen due to you being older now and living in a better environment.

The child hasn't been "treated" in any manner whatsoever, ReActiv

No, i agree. But as their mum, due to the vastly different set of circumstances the second child had been born into, I'd feel as though the children were being treated differently.

First child - born to single mum living in council flat - mum is treated in a patronising manner or treated not professionally - mum then thinks that these professionals think the baby deserves sympathy or won't be as weel cared for as a baby born to an older mum in a two parent family in a nicer house.

Second child - born into a two parent family, both parents are well past their teen years, financially secure, living in a nice house. Mum is much older and more confident in herself now than when she was younger and/or first time mum. Consequently, health visitor etc are less concerned about mum and baby and treat mum with more respect. Mum then thinks this baby, in turn, is being treated with more respect than the first baby.

Not saying this is a fact at all. Just how i know i would feel with a hypothetical second child. And I'm wondering if this is perhaps how Op feels.

at Worra

That was a little insight into my subconcious.

I imagine that when the HV saw that you were a confident 2nd time around mum in a stable partnership ,living in a warm, clean ,comfortable house, with a clean, contented alert baby she did make a judgement.

And that judgement was that the likelihood was that you were not going to be one of the mums that causes her sleepless nights and worry about the baby's health and welfare, so she could relax a bit , acknowledge that you knew what you were about and save some energy for the parents who are in need of more support.

You could have been mildly peeved in a bedsit

Not RTFT but just to point out that the government advice is going to change soon to be weaning at 4 months...

did you want her to call social services? Not sure what this aibu is about

ReActiv I suppose that all makes sense. I'm positive that she is a lovely kind helpful woman and I probably am over sensitive.

RE ellas kitchen they are very nutritious and organic/ gluten free so when I wean I will be using them

I'm 19, have a 10 month old and live in a privately rented house. My HV said she was proud of me as a single mother (DD way ahead of milestones and physical developments, no health issues, hospital trips etc ever) and said I was the most straight headed, responsible young girl she's met in her line of work. Had barely any visits from her, weaned DD without guidance or experience. Her favourites were puréed homemade beef casserole and suede. She never took to pouches or jars because they're quite bland and horrible really if you taste them, would only have the sweet/fruit ones. Now on full solid meals and could eat for England but that's because she's got 9 teeth already

Irked in a pied a terre.

She probably recognised your argumentative tendancies and wanted to get out of there asap

I sort of empathise.

First time as a parent I was 18 (poor, single stereotype). Second type as a parent I was 35 (not poor, partnered, different stereotype I guess).

In lots of ways I felt thrown back to those young vulnerable days when I was badly treated and in some ways reacted the same way. Not outwardly but emotionally. It took me by surprise, especially dealing with the looks of warmth when I was pregnant rather than dealing with comments like "you should have had an abortion."

YABU about your HV but you're not being unreasonable to take a minute to feel for that 18 year old

Maybe she could tell you were responsible because your child was clean, your home was clean, your child seems well looked after and she can see the way you interact with your child?

Are you permanently offended OP?

HVs job is to judge you, you absolute nightmare.