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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that HV would NOT have said THIS to me if......

97 replies

idrinkstraightwhiskey · 08/12/2016 01:21

I was an 18 year old single mother in a council flat?

HV came when DS turned 4 months old to discuss weaning. She said government recommendations are 6 months old now. I told her that I had already tried him with some Ella's kitchen carrots/ parsnips etc and he had liked them (FYI I fed them to him for a few days then stopped as he didn't seem bothered and now just back on 100% milk diet). She replied "well you are a responsible parent anyway".

How does she know that? I am 33, this is second child. We live in nice house/ area.

AIBU to feel judged by this woman? For all she knows I could be a raving loony! Could her advice/ opinions be swayed by her perceptions of us?

OP posts:
Original poster
idrinkstraightwhiskey · 08/12/2016 01:57

I didn't know I had gone against them, when I had DS1 government recommendations were 4 months.

OP posts:
Original poster
idrinkstraightwhiskey · 08/12/2016 02:00

No not noticing, assuming. IMO. Maybe I am over sensitive. Just made me think about how felt treated when had DS1 and pissed that approach is so much nicer.

OP posts:
Original poster
idrinkstraightwhiskey · 08/12/2016 02:01

Which is obvs how it should be of course.

OP posts:
TitaniasCloset · 08/12/2016 02:01

I have no idea what you are annoyed about, I am just baffled by this post.

Newmanwannabe · 08/12/2016 02:06

I think I can see were you are coming from now.. did you feel terribly judged and disrespected the first time around and this time because you are older you feel you are treated differently?

Original poster
idrinkstraightwhiskey · 08/12/2016 02:08

Yes that's what I mean.

OP posts:
CuckooCuckooClock · 08/12/2016 02:08

Is it the same Hv you had last time?
I'm in my thirties and I own my house in a nice area, and my Hv was a total bitch to me. I'm married and everything.
Some of them are nice and some aren't. I'm not sure it's the nice ones you need to complain about.

Original poster
idrinkstraightwhiskey · 08/12/2016 02:12

No, different woman. I am same- 30s homeowner and married.

OP posts:
TitaniasCloset · 08/12/2016 02:58

Ah, Newmans post makes sence. Yes I was a teenage mum, they give certain people a horrible time. You have just been treated reasonably and with respect and its cone as a shock to you. I understand now. I had health visitors lying and all sorts of rude crap when I was younger. Now I'm being asked to care for a difficult young adult by social services, go figure..

GiftsOnTheFireLogsOnTheTree · 08/12/2016 04:04

They are just recommendations. If, as an experienced parent at the mature age of 33 you decide to wean at 4 months then she can't stop you.

I think you're looking for a fight where there is none to be had.

Also, there is a difference between an 18 year old with DC1 and a 33 year old with DC2. In terms of experience.

NiceFalafels · 08/12/2016 04:08

You're being over sensitive and reading too much into her comment. Stop getting your knickers in a twist!

NiceFalafels · 08/12/2016 04:10

Maybe your ex midwife was just a shitty cow bag to everyone.

Thisjustinno · 08/12/2016 04:36

HV really can't win on MN.

Scrumptiousbears · 08/12/2016 04:58

You are just looking for problems OP. That's would probably be the standard non confrontational response they give when someone is going against their advice

Chips and shoulders print to mind.

mum2Bomg · 08/12/2016 05:14

Completely understand the point you are making OP but you probably are sensitive to this, just because of your previous experience and how different they have been. I don't think YABU to notice the differences or feel strongly enough to ask if others agree but she clearly thinks you are doing a great job.

mum2Bomg · 08/12/2016 05:15

I'm on night 3 with my first DD and would quite like someone to tell me I'm doing a good job and I'm a responsible parent - and I'm 35! Smile

YouSunkMyBattleship · 08/12/2016 05:25

I get what you're saying, OP.

Your AIBU isn't so much for the 30something married woman who was judged positively, it is for the 18 year old single mother who was judged harshly.

Having experienced both sides of the judgement coin, you feel irked that your experiences were so different and the frustration that a being married and have a nice home reflects positively on a woman in the way that being the one who is left 'holding the baby' isn't, when you are, essentially. the same person.

What you are describing is 'the halo effect', which is an age old psychological term to describe how someone's overall impression of someone will influence how they perceive them generally. It's really common.

And yes, I found the experience of being an unexpectedly single mother in my early 20s to be markedly different to the way I was treated as a 30 something married mother. To the extent that, when my eldest child was in hospital, another parent complained about the way I was being treated/spoken to differently to the other parents on the children's ward.

HaveNoSocks · 08/12/2016 09:35

I think part of the HV's job is to" judge" you, either as someone that has a handle on parenting or someone who needs more support. Hopefully she doesn't judge purely based on your age and income but to expect her to make to judgement at all is a bit much.

BertieBotts · 08/12/2016 09:40

I see your point OP and I'm not sure why others are deliberately misconstruing it.

There is definitely a sense that some "types" of mothers NEED loads of advice and instruction and others seem to be able to do no wrong, or have the same decisions judged positively instead of negatively.

I suppose it just goes to show how subjective parenting is, in reality.

Pagwatch · 08/12/2016 09:41

If it was the same HV you might have a point.
As it is I don't think you do.
You are assuming things probably because you still feel judged because of reactions when you had your first child.

The only HV who ever implied I was making poor decisions did so when I was about to have my third child, was nearly 40 and livid in an enormous house. I just knew she was wrong and I was right so I didn't take her opinion as a reflection of me but of her.

I think you should try and let it go.

WorraLiberty · 08/12/2016 09:47

She probably meant 'experienced' rather than responsible.

I wouldn't judge her too harshly over a word.

WorraLiberty · 08/12/2016 09:49

Pagwatch I love the idea of you being livid in an enormous house Xmas Grin

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 08/12/2016 10:02

You sound very judgemental.

Olympiathequeen · 08/12/2016 10:03

6 months milk only is advice, it's not the law. Some babies try foods earlier and it's not as if you said it was a Big Mac. Yes you were judged but judged positively, she probably uses that amazing facility, common sense.

Perhaps if you had been an 18 yo in a council flat she would have said it's advisable to milk feed for 6 mo and explored your use of EK to ensure you had a good grasp of nutrition. It's her job to make informed judgements in mothers.

Also your first HV was a different person so it's unfair to expect all HVs to have the same outlook.

StGeorgina · 08/12/2016 10:08

Giving your small infant ell's kitchen isn't very nutritious OP. Can you not puree food from freshly steamed vegetables? A one off is fine or maybe as snack when out and about but not exactly nutritious if ready made ella's kitchen is the only 'solid' weaning food your baby gets. I judge you for that. Xmas Wink

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