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Original poster

..to be upset that DP shares custody of his teddy bear with his ex?

965 replies

BearProblems · 07/12/2016 17:12

DP and I have been together 2 and a half years. We live together and have a DC. A few months before we got together, DP had split with his ex, who he'd been with for over a decade. Their split was amicable but they've hardly had any contact since. She seems to be a perfectly nice person. They have no DCs.

When DP moved in, over a year ago, his ex came to my house to collect Bear who was going "on holiday" with her. DP hadn't warned me this was happening, and I was just expecting her to drop some of DP's stuff off. DP did the handing over but it was all unbearably awkward. DP hadn't told her that he was moving in with me (we have known each other vaguely for years) so she couldn't have been expecting the new girlfriend to be a witness to this nonsense. He didn't tell her because he was hardly in touch with her and was (like a total coward) hoping someone else would tell her so he wouldn't have to. Anyway, I thought that was the end of it and she would be too embarrassed to ask for Bear again.

Today DP and I went out for a nice lunch together and, over the pudding, he mentioned, very awkwardly, that he was going out this evening... taking Bear, who is off on his Christmas holidays. He will drop Bear off with ex before meeting friends to play darts. He'll be gone a couple of hours in all.

I am 100% certain there is nothing going on with DP and his ex (or anyone else for that matter) but this has made me feel incredibly weird and uncomfortable and actually a bit insecure.

He made this arrangement with his ex and didn't tell me until a few hours before the arranged drop off. I know full well the reason he didn't tell me was because he was embarrassed about it (and rightly so!) but still, it seems disloyal to arrange things with an ex and not tell me.

And then there's the fact that it's so fucking weird! I can see, when she asked if she could have Bear for Christmas, he felt he couldn't object without seeming mean and petty or making me out to be some suspicious psycho (he knows I wasn't totally happy about the last time). He's a bit of a coward who hates conflict but also a kind man who doesn't want to hurt anyone unnecessarily.

I don't know what bothers me about it so much. I had been planning to get Bear a Christmas stocking - lucky I'm not sufficiently organised to have done anything about it yet. (I think this sort of stupid infantilism about DP's bear is fine within the confines of a romantic relationship but outside of one, it's just a bit creepy).

Sorry this is so long. It's so bloody ludicrous it was hardly worth writing let alone reading!

OP posts:
Thread gallery
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Muddlingthroughtoo · 08/12/2016 19:31

Me and my best friend rescued an ET from the front of a lorry and we had joint custody. It swapped homes every couple of weeks, we were 9. We grew out of it at 13, he still has it and I'm slightly not bitter! Imagine his wife's face If I turned up after 29 20 years to reclaim my ET! I think I'll do it, your thread has inspired me!

15thaugust · 08/12/2016 19:45

If she missed Bear's 'personality' and your DP does voices, etc she misses your DP

Run screaming from this madness/infantilism/stupidity/psychotic behaviour. Do worry you have become infected too.

TommyJoesMummy · 08/12/2016 19:45

Got to the bit where it's from an ex at 18, and he does voices for the second ex!
Tell him she gets it, it gets burnt or you leave with the actual baby?!
I think you need to move and change details either from her or both of them... A 40 year old 'man' ?? 🙄

NomNomNominativeDeterminism · 08/12/2016 19:47

I want to know what Bear Grylls thinks about the situation.

festiveleadballoon · 08/12/2016 19:52

Hypothetically if you did LTB would you apply to have access to the bear?

Does the ex who bought him the bear visit or does he not see his biological motherbear anymore? Hmm

Beeziekn33ze · 08/12/2016 19:55

Student couple I know had a collection of soft toys known as 'the boys'. They went everywhere with them. One dark night their car was broken into and 'the boys' were never seen again! They coped!

TippyT · 08/12/2016 19:59

The only thing I can think of if there was a child/ baby who died ? Could the ashes be inside? I have known this ? If not it's just weird and no dump him don't be drawn into this by a stocking !!

Butterymuffin · 08/12/2016 20:07

Could you post photos of Bear's wizard costume and golf clubs? Even if Bear himself would be too identifying? Smile

Roversandrhodes · 08/12/2016 20:08

Have you asked your bf what's so special about the bear ,you've got a right to know as it's so fucking weird

Butterymuffin · 08/12/2016 20:09

Tiggy sorry, you're saying that the scenario where he has a secret dead child whose ashes are kept in the bear is the non-weird option??

AllieBomBally · 08/12/2016 20:30

I've never heard anything so ridiculous in my life. He's got a child ffs, tell him to grow up, if she's that pathetic give her the poxy bear! Weird, weird, weird.

BigGrannyPants · 08/12/2016 20:31

I assumed bear was the name of a dog! Are we actually talking about a teddy bear? I would question why this bear is so important and why they are still sharing it. Is this the daily mail looking for a new story? I'm struggling to believe this is real

apringle · 08/12/2016 20:31

Tell him to drop the beat off to her and the beat can stay there. If he makes any sort of fuss you can tell him he can stay there too! I wouldn't live with someone who cared that much about a stuffed bear that was over 10 years old.

Notquitewhatiexpected · 08/12/2016 20:35

That bear needs to come to an unfortunate end (skip/wheelie bin/next door's dog - doesn't matter, just make it happen).

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 08/12/2016 20:37

buttery. I've just done a George Dubbya and almost choked on a pretzel reading your last post! Grin

I'm actually starting to feel quite sorry for the slightly bonkers ex. Even the OP's DP has admitted she probably still has feelings for him. It's sad to think she is desperately clinging on to such a flimsy excuse for prolonged contact. As far as I can work out from the OP, this seems to be an annual arrangement. Does she look forward to it for months? I do hope not. I guess ten years is a long time. DP might think the split was mutual and amicable, but perhaps she only agreed to it because anything acrimonious would have meant she was out of his life for good, whereas if she was compliant and agreeable, contact could be maintained. I have got this far in the thread thinking she is utterly mad, but now I'm finding it rather heartbreaking. She needs to move on, and ending the bear saga may be the kindest way to help her do so.

buttercup54321 · 08/12/2016 20:39

Tell him to let her have full custody of Bear. I would be furious about this. he needs to grow up.

Original poster
BearProblems · 08/12/2016 20:40

UPDATE: DP has said that Bear will not be going on any more holidays with the ex. My happiness is more important than the avoidance of an awkward email exchange. So that is resolved, at least.

I've had another look for Kevin and can't find him. I don't have a photo of Kevin but, when I got him (as a corporate gift, for those not invested enough to RTFT) I also got 2 other identical bears that now belong to DD1 and DS. I've borrowed one to make a missing poster. Please put this up - Kevin could be anywhere.*

*but he isn't. He's somewhere in my house, perhaps behind a radiator.

..to be upset that DP shares custody of his teddy bear with his ex?
OP posts:
Stanleysmum01 · 08/12/2016 20:44

O.k this is weird. I get that he kept the bear from probably his first relationship when he was 18 (lost his virginity with etc), I had a silk rose from mine, it lived in the loft for years and occasionally I would look at it nostalgically but you know in the end during a loft clear out it went onto the bonfire, the bear must go too. Technically the bear is nothing to do with the ex she came along afterwards and was a joint custodian for a while but her rights to it have gone as she is no longer with your partner. Its all about letting go isn't it, he needs to move on and grow a pair he has a child with you, what kind of weird example are you setting for your child, this isn't normal. Whats best for 'bear' is to give him a new home, not your husband to have him or the ex but someone else a child, its christmas put it in a charitable box and let someone else love it. Moving on .....

Original poster
BearProblems · 08/12/2016 20:46

I realise that I'm a year ahead of myself and thought this was 2017. The typo will clearly have a massive negative impact on the search for Kevin. Please can you make sure you correct it with tippex and biro before photocopying. I don't want thousands of posters up all over the country with the wrong date on.

OP posts:
nichito · 08/12/2016 20:52

Weird as all this is, anyone seriously advocating disposing of the bear is an arsehole and frankly just as childish as the bear-loving DP + ex, of not worse.

I shudder to think what the reaction would be if a MNer came on here because a jealous/"exasperated" partner is burnt a toy she had a sentimental attachment to.

I'm surprised so few have come across adults with sentimental attachments to stuffed toys. It really isn't that unusual, regardless of how feeble it may be.

The only truly peculiar behaviour here is the DP's ex requesting "holidays" with a stuffed toy that never even belonged to her. She does need to be told to get a grip.

m0msarbelanger · 08/12/2016 20:55

Hello,
Is it possible the bear represents a child they may have lost? Because I had a friend that had a similar situation, and that's how they kept a memory alive.. so before jumping to conclusions why don't you ask what the significance of the bear is... And if there isn't any real reason then no you're not being unreasonable

haveacupoftea · 08/12/2016 20:58

They sound like they belong together tbh. They both have 'delightfully quirky' personalities. Does he also have a man bun and a pair of glasses with no lenses in?

a1poshpaws · 08/12/2016 21:03

If you're serious, you need to get real and get rid - of your partner and his weird ex, not the bear who is the innocent party in this bizarre setup. Seriously, it's just too wrong! If you're not serious - congrats on a good wind-up.

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 08/12/2016 21:03

cupoftea. The bear?!

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 08/12/2016 21:05

The OP has said the custody agreement ends here I'd kill to read that email exchange, though

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