..to be upset that DP shares custody of his teddy bear with his ex?

[BearProblems]

DP and I have been together 2 and a half years. We live together and have a DC. A few months before we got together, DP had split with his ex, who he'd been with for over a decade. Their split was amicable but they've hardly had any contact since. She seems to be a perfectly nice person. They have no DCs.

When DP moved in, over a year ago, his ex came to my house to collect Bear who was going "on holiday" with her. DP hadn't warned me this was happening, and I was just expecting her to drop some of DP's stuff off. DP did the handing over but it was all unbearably awkward. DP hadn't told her that he was moving in with me (we have known each other vaguely for years) so she couldn't have been expecting the new girlfriend to be a witness to this nonsense. He didn't tell her because he was hardly in touch with her and was (like a total coward) hoping someone else would tell her so he wouldn't have to. Anyway, I thought that was the end of it and she would be too embarrassed to ask for Bear again.

Today DP and I went out for a nice lunch together and, over the pudding, he mentioned, very awkwardly, that he was going out this evening... taking Bear, who is off on his Christmas holidays. He will drop Bear off with ex before meeting friends to play darts. He'll be gone a couple of hours in all.

I am 100% certain there is nothing going on with DP and his ex (or anyone else for that matter) but this has made me feel incredibly weird and uncomfortable and actually a bit insecure.

He made this arrangement with his ex and didn't tell me until a few hours before the arranged drop off. I know full well the reason he didn't tell me was because he was embarrassed about it (and rightly so!) but still, it seems disloyal to arrange things with an ex and not tell me.

And then there's the fact that it's so fucking weird! I can see, when she asked if she could have Bear for Christmas, he felt he couldn't object without seeming mean and petty or making me out to be some suspicious psycho (he knows I wasn't totally happy about the last time). He's a bit of a coward who hates conflict but also a kind man who doesn't want to hurt anyone unnecessarily.

I don't know what bothers me about it so much. I had been planning to get Bear a Christmas stocking - lucky I'm not sufficiently organised to have done anything about it yet. (I think this sort of stupid infantilism about DP's bear is fine within the confines of a romantic relationship but outside of one, it's just a bit creepy).

Sorry this is so long. It's so bloody ludicrous it was hardly worth writing let alone reading!

Haven't read ft but is it actually his bear from childhood?
In which case she had no visiting rights...

Tell him how you feel. Make it clear the Bear is either hers or his & you won't accept their continued bullshit/nonsense. Sounds to me as though they're still emotionally attached - and not just to the Bear. Genuiely sorry OP as this is clearly an issue (definitely would be for me!)

OP, I think you, your DP and his ex are incredibly selfish. Has it occurred to any of you to ask Bear about his feelings about it? Bear surely doesn't enjoy being passed from household to household, he must feel he's treated like a toy... Ask him who his preferred guardian is, trust his judgement and honour his wishes.

Oh OP, you're srewed if the ex has read this thread and doesn't bring Bear back after his holibobs

Sounds to me as though they're still emotionally attached - and not just to the Bear.

I think the same.
It's all very funny on the surface, but they seem a bit too involved with eachother for ex's.

Sparklybluelights he was 27

I couldnt be in a relationship with a man who cared so much about a toy. Jesus.

Cancel The Bear
Buy a Bear Twin
One Bear each

I thought bear was the name of the dog, but no it is a teddy bear. Well that's not odd at all.

What a load of nonsense - funny nonsense that made me laugh out loud, but nonsense none the less. Well done OP for creating such an entertaining thread - very imaginative!... looks like you may get this thread to the magic 1,000 mark!

Oh the bear necessities.........

I have a bear. I was given it as a teenager by my favourite aunt. I did take said bear on holiday once in my hand luggage. I also had a Paddington bought by my dh when we first went out. However, once I had my ds and he was 2 or 3 he loved my bear and I gave Jeremy bear to my ds1. He also took it on holiday and the stewardess let Jeremy have his own seat as long as he was strapped in for take off!
I'm afraid as your dh is 40 with at least one child he's weird as is his XP. I'm reserving judgement about you op.

That's the best comment I've read!

Ds1 was 5 at the time so such behaviour is acceptable.

Sorry no time to rtft but how/why did he get the bear back after the last holiday?

BearProblems - funniest post in a long time - and even more kudos as it doesn't involve poo or beakers of any sort.

Thank you - I was having a really crap day and this has made is all bearable...

I sort of get the bear thing - I've had similar things with stuffed toys and, FYI, was also a car namer and personality giver up until I had DC - seemed insignificant in comparison.

I'm along the lines of Soubriquet - how many exes would need to carry on the charade? Maybe it was one of those where they always said that even if they split, then they would both still love Bear and he would be part of their lives yada yada yada. Most people would think - OK, maybe not - but everyone's different.

And you never know - maybe she thinks she'd hurt ex's feelings if she didn't come to collect Bear...

Whatever the case, DP needs to man up and have a frank and adult conversation letting ex know that Bear is just a bear and as lovely as the game was, it's now over. No hard feelings - and maybe he could get her another bear as a 'token' of the end, just as his ex did.

Circle of life

Soooo late to the party. Can't wait for the photo shoot thread.

In the absence of Bear and Kevin, could we have a pic of Bear's DP? You can buy a dress on her so her pics don't get abused on the internet or end up on a shaming site

Wow how weird cant he tell her to just keep the bloody bear

I have no words 😶 F&@k

This was just about credible until OP said she was thinking about getting the bear a Xmas stocking. There, she lost me......

I haven't rtwt... That is wrong. It is unreasonable to be acting sweet with each other over a bear or anything outside of THEM going out. If it's his from childhood , she needs to fuck off and if it's hers from childhood , he needs to let the bear go with her.
This is massively unhealthy and with these little 'arrangements' -how are they not in touch? How does she not know he has moved in with you and is turning up to your address to collect the bear?? 🤔
If they bought it during the relationship-she can keep it. He has a child now. Sounds like an excuse for contact on both parts and his actions appear shady.
I'd have words. If he can't leave her alone and they wish to desperately cling to their relationship through the medium of a bear (or other bollocks) you'd be better moving on.
You seem perfectly normal, they are pathetic, YANBU and it is worrying 😳
If on the other hand she birthed the bear and has DNA evidence that it's their offspring... Ffs. You poor thing 💐
(Rant over: bad week. Will continue rtwt now...)

This has totally stumped me and I've seen some very strange things being a social worker in a & e for 14 years !! I think he may have some issues that perhaps need looking into !! i feel that it something you would need to address before your child starts to become aware. I'm all for remaining amicable for the sake of a child but it's not a child/ dog it's a teddy. I think the idea that people have mentioned about getting them both a bear then they go their separate ways !! But honestly your partner is going to be dealing with a lot harder things as a parent and to support your dc he as others say needs to man up sorry !!

I knew a couple who shared custody of a bear after they broke up - she'd made it for him when he was in hospital and it became a weird running joke - they took photos of the bear in various places. Of course, they weren't over each other and wound up getting back together. I think the bear now belongs to their DC.

Um. Not sure if that's soothing or not.

...that bear needs to have an accident! The End :)