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Original poster

..to be upset that DP shares custody of his teddy bear with his ex?

965 replies

BearProblems · 07/12/2016 17:12

DP and I have been together 2 and a half years. We live together and have a DC. A few months before we got together, DP had split with his ex, who he'd been with for over a decade. Their split was amicable but they've hardly had any contact since. She seems to be a perfectly nice person. They have no DCs.

When DP moved in, over a year ago, his ex came to my house to collect Bear who was going "on holiday" with her. DP hadn't warned me this was happening, and I was just expecting her to drop some of DP's stuff off. DP did the handing over but it was all unbearably awkward. DP hadn't told her that he was moving in with me (we have known each other vaguely for years) so she couldn't have been expecting the new girlfriend to be a witness to this nonsense. He didn't tell her because he was hardly in touch with her and was (like a total coward) hoping someone else would tell her so he wouldn't have to. Anyway, I thought that was the end of it and she would be too embarrassed to ask for Bear again.

Today DP and I went out for a nice lunch together and, over the pudding, he mentioned, very awkwardly, that he was going out this evening... taking Bear, who is off on his Christmas holidays. He will drop Bear off with ex before meeting friends to play darts. He'll be gone a couple of hours in all.

I am 100% certain there is nothing going on with DP and his ex (or anyone else for that matter) but this has made me feel incredibly weird and uncomfortable and actually a bit insecure.

He made this arrangement with his ex and didn't tell me until a few hours before the arranged drop off. I know full well the reason he didn't tell me was because he was embarrassed about it (and rightly so!) but still, it seems disloyal to arrange things with an ex and not tell me.

And then there's the fact that it's so fucking weird! I can see, when she asked if she could have Bear for Christmas, he felt he couldn't object without seeming mean and petty or making me out to be some suspicious psycho (he knows I wasn't totally happy about the last time). He's a bit of a coward who hates conflict but also a kind man who doesn't want to hurt anyone unnecessarily.

I don't know what bothers me about it so much. I had been planning to get Bear a Christmas stocking - lucky I'm not sufficiently organised to have done anything about it yet. (I think this sort of stupid infantilism about DP's bear is fine within the confines of a romantic relationship but outside of one, it's just a bit creepy).

Sorry this is so long. It's so bloody ludicrous it was hardly worth writing let alone reading!

OP posts:
Thread gallery
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Lucille2 · 08/12/2016 11:58

I'm place marking for the photoshoot!

andpropersteel · 08/12/2016 12:01

Having said that, I once cut the head off a toy duck and put it in the fridge, but it was a long time ago and I was on drugs.

GrinGrin

bummymummy77 · 08/12/2016 12:12

All joking aside (and it is pretty funny), he's putting someone else's feelings before yours. Not cool.

Dh has been reading this too and says he's either having an affair or wants one.

--Not sure what that says about dh. Did give him a side eyed look for that one.

Honestly, if my dh was clinging on to a teddy given to him as an adult by an ex girlfriend and it was a tool to facilitate he ongoing and unnecessary relationship with a pretty recent ex the fucking thing would be in the waste disposal or flung into a ravine. Grin

bummymummy77 · 08/12/2016 12:13

Kevin has probably been pushed out of the nest by wanker bear like a poor little bear cuckoo.

BowiesJumper · 08/12/2016 12:18

I get the bear thing, we have a stuffed lion who gives us all christmas presents. I agree with everyone else that it's the ex wanting visitation from the bear that is odd and a little bit sad really.

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 08/12/2016 12:18

I'm curious as to how often the handovers take place! I also reckon Kevin was smuggled into Bear's overnight bag and now lives with the ex....

Temporaryname137 · 08/12/2016 12:23

It's a little bit disturbing how much of himself he has put into the teddy

Arf.

DAMN YOU TINABACON, I JUST SNORTED DIET COKE UP (OR POSSIBLY DOWN) MY NOSE READING THAT

Agerbilatemycardigan · 08/12/2016 12:26

I was just about to ask how the hell anybody could get so attached to a toy.
Then I looked over at my 30 year old bear sitting on my bedroom chair, dressed in his best knitted waistcoat and bow tie, with his pocket watch on display not to mention his little leather backpack containing his glasses, umbrella, kimono and rugby kit and decided to stay schtum Blush

EverySongbirdSays · 08/12/2016 12:26

Having said that, I once cut the head off a toy duck and put it in the fridge, but it was a long time ago and I was on drugs.

This thread. Gift that keeps on giving. Grin

alotlikeChristmas16 · 08/12/2016 12:44

the bear thing has to be over for the ex really, she's not moving on with her life. I do feel sorry for her that she has so little self respect that she's using a bear to stay involved with your DH. I am not buying that 35% of adults have a soft toy - that has to be nonsense!

PiggyPlumPie · 08/12/2016 12:45

What? I just can't find the words.

appalachianwalzing · 08/12/2016 12:45

Aw, I think people are being a bit mean.

I posted earlier about a couple I know with a similar bear thing, and having thought about it further I know two other people with 'travel teddies' who come on trips and get photographed. I could see one of them in particular getting that teddy a 'stocking' but I mean- it's a bit like people who put whisky out for Santa when they have a two year old.
You're doing it for the symbolism, not for any weird messed up belief Santa is still going to drink the whisky.

Interestingly, all acquired these in their teens/early twenties and were presents from friends or partners they were moving away from, so maybe there's something about that age.

I have a cousin who still sleeps with twenty cuddly toys from when she was three on her bed, even though she's married with kids. I think that's a bit weird. But the other ones- it's more like they're mascots than comforters. Dating from a key point in their owner's development- that bit where you're off to uni and starting to form independent relationships.

Having them become in-jokes is cute, I assume all the making clothes/buying presents is done in a spirit of fun rather than pandering to a delusion, not wanting to get rid of them makes sense, but the ex has crossed a line here. He may be interpreting it as a neutral way to stay in contact with her and acknowledge the part she played in his past, but it seems to be more than that for her and he needs to respect you on that.

Purplebluebird · 08/12/2016 12:47

I know of a man who has a sheep that he pretends is real. He's even got his own fb account, where he posts on people's wall, crazy things the sheep is apparently saying, including "baaaah" and various other sheep sounds. Needless to say, the guy's a complete ... I don't even have a word for it. However he doesn't share it with his ex. He does take it on holiday though. I believe it may be a replacement because he was too old to have kids by the time he got married. Perhaps he struggled to get married because of his attachment to this sheep? Grin I know I'm being a bit mean, but this man is horrible to me, so I have no guilt!

In all seriousness, it needs to stop. It's weird and it's having a negative effect on your relationship.

Enidblyton1 · 08/12/2016 12:56

I think Bear should suddenly find his long lost brother and then they can have one each....
(Couldn't you find an identical one and put it through the wash a few times to age it??!)

TheBruteSquad · 08/12/2016 12:59

6 years on Mumsnet and this is the greatest thing I've ever read!!

Original poster
BearProblems · 08/12/2016 13:06

Thanks for your nice post, appalachian. I really do appreciate the more understanding posts and the solidarity bear photos are marvellous. Igot99problems's lyrics are splendid! I'm not in the least bothered by PPs saying we're all a bunch of weirdos. It's the internet: the rules of face-to-face civility don't apply here and anyway, some of the rudest PPs are also the funniest. I obviously wouldn't tell anyone IRL about this because it is bloody childish and stupid.

Bear is not a cutesy bear at all. He is a foul-mouthed, port-quaffing, whoring bastard. He probably has gout. He has treated my bear very badly and she really should LTB but she is very innocent and this is her first relationship so she doesn't know any better. She was fairly traumatised about Kevin running away from home and Bear has not shown any sympathy at all.

OP posts:
Redglitter · 08/12/2016 13:09

I think the gear thing being a running joke between you and your partner but really you need to take the ex out the equation. That's just absolute madness letting her take it on holiday. They need to cut the ties. The relationships over.

Kione · 08/12/2016 13:10

I am curious as to how does Mumsnet know that this is not a pisstake

bummymummy77 · 08/12/2016 13:11

You should have sewn a little crack in to the stuffing for her holibobs.

That would have taken care of the ex problem.

TheNoodlesIncident · 08/12/2016 13:11

Maybe your DP's ex has no intention of returning the bear after her holiday?

Didn't anyone assess the flight risk???

TinaBacon · 08/12/2016 13:16

Oh bummy, that's a FABULOUS idea.

OP, are you still in touch with your dealer from your duck decapitation days? That ex could be going dahn in some Thai jail. Problem solved.

hellsbellsmelons · 08/12/2016 13:19

but it was a long time ago and I was on drugs

WAS !!!!?????

This has made my afternoon though.

Oh.... and placemarking to see bear in his fashion show!

Adala · 08/12/2016 13:22

Actually I can understand a bit Smile

We have two bears, given free with some jewellery DH bought me when we started dating. The big one tells us off all the time and the little one swears a lot - they have distinct little personalities and live in the Christmas tree at the moment.

I don't remotely care how weird this makes us, we're the only ones who know about them in real life, and I can only hope we never split up!

Our car has a name and personality too if anyone really wants to go for the jugular

Bluetrews25 · 08/12/2016 13:25

OK, you got me at 'wizard outfit'
Loving this.

I am Spartacus That's My Bear!

Bluetrews25 · 08/12/2016 13:28

Yes, yes, me too with the car thing.
And to all of you doubters out there, have you never seen Toy Story?!
'Just a toy' eh?

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