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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'I can't even cook cheese on toast'

649 replies

NaughtyLittlePassport · 07/12/2016 13:09

Prepared to be told IABU.
Having coffee with a relatively new friend, I said something about making Christmas dinner, she then said that she 'couldn't even make cheese on toast'. I was visibly gobsmacked and as it turns out she really can't cook anything!
She was really offended that I was so surprised, and told me she'd always been too busy to learn. I've offered to help her with some basics but she's ignored my message and cancelled our DS's playing together Shock
To not drip feed I was really shocked, going 'what not even. ....' and questioning what her kids eat probably a bit too much.
But really, wouldn't you be shocked if a 40 year old couldn't cook anything at all?

OP posts:
NavyandWhite · 07/12/2016 15:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HoopsandEverything · 07/12/2016 15:33

It's a perfectly valid life choice, even if you have children

Not when it impacts the long-term health of your children it isn't though. It is not a valid life choice then. Child nutrition is vital to child health and it is not an "opt out" part of parenting. Kids need good food. They need parents to provide a varied assortment of good food.

HoopsandEverything · 07/12/2016 15:34

YesItsMeIDontCare I am sorry that happened to you - abusive relationships are never ok for the adult, or the children.

user1480946351 · 07/12/2016 15:36

You can provide perfectly good food without cooking. Are you singularly lacking in imagination?

NavyandWhite · 07/12/2016 15:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Feefeefs · 07/12/2016 15:40

Maybe her DP does all the cooking? I would be extremely hurt and upset by your reaction and frankly patronising offer of lessons. She may well rely on ready meals etc but so what? It's not all junk and her children will be fed and I assume meeting their developmental goals.

Child nutrition can be met successfully with ready meals etc.

Not laziness but a valid choice I'm sure there's plenty of DHs and OHs who do not cook.

(I by the way am an excellent cook but there are many things I cannot do)

HoopsandEverything · 07/12/2016 15:40

user1480946351 We just went through this a few posts back -

the example the OP gave was not good creative nutritious food. The kid was eating bread and butter, ready cooked meals, ready cooked meat and fruit (bonus points for the fruit). The "cooking parent" was sometimes leaving food to heat up in the microwave. But what the daily food providing, "non cooking parent" is providing is not an acceptable, varied, balanced, and nutritious diet for a child.

If that list was more like the one that was posted by another user further up it would have been varied, balanced, nutritious because that user has clearly got creative with their skills. Fruit, veg, complex carbs, protein, all fine, not crap carbs, and salt--sugar-chemical laden food.

SelfCleaningVagina · 07/12/2016 15:42

I get that some people are dyslexic, dyspraxic, have other mobility or motor skills issues or poor organisational/concentration skills and that would make cooking anything other than the most simple things quite tricky. Something like a roast or a fried breakfast has lots of elements that all need to come together at the same time and is a bit like spinning plates. Multi-tasking is required.

But something like a shepherds pie or a casserole, chilli or a curry is not at all difficult if you give yourself plenty of time to prep, weigh and measure everything one item at a time, put them to one side, then don't start cooking until you are fully organised and have read through your method/notes. Then it all cooks in one go.

Most basic techniques are really simple to master and so much of the 'skill' of everyday cooking is really nothing more than common sense and a bit of effort/time. It's easy to google what they mean or watch tutorials on youtube these days. There is really no excuse, bar having learning or physical disabilities, for not being able to do it. not wanting to do it is another matter.

Not having ever been taught by a parent isn't an excuse either. Your parents probably never taught you to drive, or use a computer, put make up on, or a dozen other things that you manage every day without any trouble.

HoopsandEverything · 07/12/2016 15:42

But yeah, cooking skills are needed to vary that from week to week.

Child nutrition can be met successfully with ready meals etc.

No. It can't. Ready meals are not nutritious. They are full of crap. They are expensive too.

user1480946351 · 07/12/2016 15:43

Many. And I'm a great cook, thanks. What has that got to do with anything?

user1480946351 · 07/12/2016 15:44

No. It can't. Ready meals are not nutritious. They are full of crap

Actually if you spend enough you can get very nutritious ready meals, if thats what you want.

But people who make such pronouncements don't generally know much about these things.

NavyandWhite · 07/12/2016 15:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HoopsandEverything · 07/12/2016 15:47

user1480946351 The cook ones? I looked at their seven servings of vegetable ones last year. Two child portions. Seven individual pieces of vegetables wouldn't have even fit in the bloody box.

Your average Joe is not spending a fortune on ready meals that are nutritious (those families have a chef). "Nutritious ready meals" as they are often labelled / marketed, are still laden with salt, processed food, cheap cuts of meat, sugar, and shite carbs.

Pestilence13610 · 07/12/2016 15:49

toomanynumbers are there lots on this thread or just the one?

NavyandWhite · 07/12/2016 15:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Feefeefs · 07/12/2016 15:55

Hoops so are a lot of the meals that most people cook! Many people are also very reliant on part cooked meals, tins of beans, jars of sauce etc. If her children are not over/under weight and there is no concern over meeting developmental goals then it's up to her and her partner what they do. Steam bags of veg from the freezer exist as does rice and plain meat, possible to buy with limited salt/additives etc.

madein1995 · 07/12/2016 15:56

I dont think both parents need to be super cooks. I do think it rather important both parents can do beans on toast so ok in an emergency. I think YWU OP as she was a new friend. Besides that you dont know what her childhood was like and you cant judge. I only learnt to cook when at uni and the judginess I got was astounding, and a certain person kept on at how useless I was at first when I'd became a good cook and cooked more from scratch. Judging is never a good idea because you dont know her life or what shes been through. 'something on toast' level of cooking is sufficient. My dad couldnt cook, it is only now in his 60s he is learning a little due to me and mam working. He could always fees me something hot - from scratch dont matter. As for if the partner minds well thats not your business. She was probably joking re not doing cheese on toast

WindyCat · 07/12/2016 15:57

I hate being questioned, so I would have been irritated by you keep going on, and wouldn't have answered honestly. I'd probably give you a wide berth from then on too. It doesn't matter if I could cook or not, but if I sense someone trying to get competitive I run a mile.

Sorry, I'm sure you're really nice, but annoying and a bit controlling maybe.

Baylisiana · 07/12/2016 16:05

Thank you Hoops Smile

You know what I would love would be if there could be a thread for the clueless cooks where say every week a different user who can cook could I part a skill or recipe.

Baylisiana · 07/12/2016 16:05

Impart

PensionOutOfReach · 07/12/2016 16:06

Honestly, yes it can rude in that you don't normally question the way people live their life.

However, yes I am Shock ar the idea that a 40yo is incapable of cooking for themselves.
The result a few years down the line is what I see with my FIL who needed someone to cook for him when my MIL was in hospital for open heart surgery. Not good.

Besides, if she is on her own with her child, what the heck is she feeding her child? Only pre prepared meals, toast with jam etc..? What if her partner is away for a week or even the weekend? Everyone is only having microwaved meals then.
It just can't be a balanced diet at all.

Liiinoo · 07/12/2016 16:15

I have an acquaintance who used to bleat (annoyingly) 'Oh, I do wish I could cook but I can't cook, Simon takes care of all that'. About the 90th time she said it I took her up on it saying 'If you can read, you can cook'. A 'lively debate' ensured and she ended up admitting that she probably could cook if she wanted to, but she wasn't interested enough to try. It was a small victory but it has stopped her going on....about cooking at least.

FucksSakeSusan · 07/12/2016 16:18

If it had been a man who said they couldn't cook, no one would have batted an eyelid. Maybe her partner cooks. Who knows? All this hand wringing over (gasp!) somebody with a vagina who can't and doesn't want to cook is misogynist as fuck.

I agree that life is much easier - in terms of getting adequate nutrition - with kids if someone in your house can cook, but that person doesn't have to be a woman.

MrsKoala · 07/12/2016 16:20

I totally disagree with 'anyone can cook' and the idea that anything can be learned if you want to. There are many things people just cannot learn. I cannot drive, i learned for 18 years, i did eventually pass my 5th test in an automatic, but i wont go over 60mph and on a motorway, I can't remember which pedals do what and overtime i get in the car have to gingerly press each one to remind myself. I worked for 20 years in offices but could never learn a database, word or excel, despite going on numerous course and spending hours every day trying to learn. Every time i switched off the computer what i learned would disappear and the next day would be starting from scratch again. I lost jobs and had disciplinaries because of it. I had to conclude eventually that i was unable to learn these things.

Same with cooking for some people, the knowledge just doesn't stick. DH could put ready made fish cakes in the oven or a fresh soup in the microwave, but that's about it. He can code and has a masters in computing but cooking just doesn't stick with him.

HoopsandEverything · 07/12/2016 16:20

I agree that life is much easier - in terms of getting adequate nutrition - with kids if someone in your house can cook, but that person doesn't have to be a woman.

Kind of does have to be a woman when it's a two woman household as is the case in the example in this thread though...