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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sensitive topic to broach AIBU?

78 replies

onlylonelymonster · 07/12/2016 11:27

I have a much loved nephew who is 13 and we have a great relationship. I have a good relationship with my brother and SIL but there have been times when we've had different opinions about our kids and I can sense they are wary of me. We parent very differently and because we are close we have had various differences of opinions over the years. They are both professionals/very busy and my nephew has been expected to just get on with it in regard to personal hygiene for many years.

The situation is that for some time, years infact, I have noticed more and more that my nephew smells. It's a combination of body odour and unwashed uniform. I at first ignored it, some months ago I had a casual chat to my brother but he asserted that he plays rugby all day at school and he's just a whiffy kid. My SIL wasn't happy during that chat and was quite defensive and has been a bit cold ever since. I haven't broached it again but for his birthday I bought him some computer games and some hair gel/smellies which he liked but obviously doesn't use. More recently I noticed that he has had his eyebrows threaded (they're quite heavy) and when I asked there were murmurings about him being teased. I can't help but think that there might be more to the teasing than his eyebrows.

AIBU to talk to my brother more seriously about this or should I just let it go?

OP posts:
NancyDonahue · 07/12/2016 12:46

Whiffy teenage boys is hardly a new phenomenon. Once they start getting interested in girls they soon sort it out.

LynetteScavo · 07/12/2016 21:22

I wouldn't be able to stop myself commenting that it wS funny that they had his eyebrows threaded, but weren't concerned about him washing so he doesn't smell.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 07/12/2016 21:29

Nope, say nothing -you wont achieve anything, except to alienate them.
However, if, on the other hand, they ask for your advice give it to them, as someone else said earlier, with both barrels.

BravoPanda · 07/12/2016 21:38

Take him shopping and wander through the bathstuff aisle and ask if he knows/explain to him the difference between anti perspirant and bodyspray. You'd be amazed how many teenage boys don't know they're two different things. Get him a Lynx anti-perspirant one and tell him he'll smell so good all the girls (or guys) will love it. I had to do it with one of my nephews recently as my half-sister is a waste of space and rubbish parent.

niccyb · 07/12/2016 23:20

I think I would leave it to the parents to worry about. He's a teenage boy going through puberty. He's hormonal and you said there may be personal problems at school. It might make him more upset that yet another person is judging him. Just be the fun aunt he needs and not another parent.

ClopySow · 07/12/2016 23:33

Do yoh have teenage sons? They really stink after a very short time.

OohhThatsMe · 07/12/2016 23:35

They don't all smell! If they shower every day and wear clean clothes every day and use deodorant, then they shouldn't smell bad.

Pallisers · 07/12/2016 23:47

Do yoh have teenage sons? They really stink after a very short time.

My teenage son never stank. And he played sport after school nearly every day. He showered, wore anti-antiperspirant, washed his clothes regularly. A "whiffy kid" is very rare. Usually it is an unwashed kid wearing unwashed clothes.

My 13 year old daughter did smell a bit at one point - she wasn't washing regularly enough or changing her clothes (anxiety and depression contributing to this). We didn't notice it as really awful because we were used to her. It was during the summer and the woman who was helping out with her and her younger sister said it to me. I was damn glad she did.

It actually really annoys me that parents would ignore this or get offended if someone says something. Helping your child be clean and not smell is a basic thing and not something that is a difference in parenting styles. Families should be able to gently say this to each other. If not families, who else?

Mysterycat23 · 07/12/2016 23:57

I blame the eco friendly propaganda making everyone wash clothes at 30. Socks pants shirts towels etc need washing on 60 or above every couple of weeks to kill odour-causing bacteria. Other than that, teenage boys generally pong and as pp says they will figure it out for themselves eventually.. although my brother is 28 and still hasn't figured out how to use anti perspirant or shampoo Confused

IMissGrannyW · 08/12/2016 00:03

I agree with 2 themes:

  1. Be the nice one - you're not the parent.
  1. IF ASKED - give advice. But wait to be asked, whether by him or them.]

And a teeny-tiny thing. Smelling bad (although not abnormal for teens) is a possible indicator of neglect under safeguarding. Esp if it is regular, so school may take this up. (not to be OTT, and I'm saying this as have had a difficult meeting today. DEF not saying a whiffy kid is a safeguarding issue. Kids do smell!)

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 08/12/2016 00:08

My DS has a friend who stinks. It's a BO and stale clothes combo there along with not washing regularly (he had the same dirt smudges on his face on the Monday as he had on the Saturday at cadet camp). His mum also only washed his school shirt (he only has one!) weekly so any stains he accrued at the start of the week would be there all week.

My DS felt sorry for him because he was bullied dreadfully for smelling - it was truly noticeable- and tried to talk to him about it but it was only when a teacher mentioned it to his parents that he started to be a little less whiffy.

I have to say I have never smelled my DS - he is scrupulously clean (possibly because of his friend's problems?) and uses antiperspirant rather than the dreaded Lynx. I was surprised at how clean he is because DSS was a bit of a soap dodger until he got interested in girls.

haystack10 · 08/12/2016 00:28

IMissGranny, really? Safeguarding?

Pallisers · 08/12/2016 00:35

IMIssGranny specifically said DEF not saying a whiffy kid is a safeguarding issue. Kids do smell!)

of course a child consistently smelling unwashed must raise some worry about who is taking care of him and is he being neglected?

I'd rather be the aunt who helped my teenage nephew to be clean and not smelling than the "fun" aunt.

Original poster
onlylonelymonster · 08/12/2016 05:44

Thanks for all your comments. It's really helpful getting some opinions on this as I'm really unsure what to do as my children are younger. I think I'm going to wait a little while longer and then take my brother aside and gently just explain my concerns. Even if he gets upset with me I think it's worth the risk for my nephew's sake. At the end of the day we're family and Pallisers comment really struck me as correct. Better me....than someone else.

OP posts:
NotYoda · 08/12/2016 06:06

I've got two teenage boys and they rarely smell.

If his clothes are unwashed, that is a cause for concern because that's the area the parents definately control. You've spoken to them with no result and I don't think you'll get any by raising it again.

Support him. I like BravoPandas idea.

Zoflorabore · 08/12/2016 06:17

My ds is 13 and is absolutely spotless, he loves nothing better than getting into a fresh bed at night after his bath/shower and uniform has been changed daily since he started school at 4.

I overheard one of his friends talking about someone at their school who smells, a girl.
He wasn't being mean at all but said the smell is awful so other dc must notice.

I'm lucky that my ds likes to be clean, his room is spotless and he loves his aftershaves!

5 yr old dd on the other hand is a completely different child, room always a tip and she's always filthy, bathed every day but would not be bothered if she wasn't.

I'm almost 40 and can remember someone in my class at primary school who used to smell of stale wee, it was horrible, she was lovely but got picked on a lot :(

PlumsGalore · 08/12/2016 06:36

I also had a teenage son that never smelt anything other than georgeous. He played rugby at school most days and the worst he smelt of was mud or wet grass. DD went through a whiffy stage where she thought putting clean clothes on an unwashed body was fine, but I was very aware of it and there were a few times where we fell out because she didn't like hearing it. She had grown out of it by about 14.

Plicky · 08/12/2016 06:50

I'd speak to the boy.
Explain he needs to shower every day, wear a clean shirt and I'd buy him some antiperspirant for mornings and a roll on deodorant for after rugby.
I'd show him how to use the washing machine.
Seriously. I did this with my own pong nephew. I was very matter of fact about it which minimised embarrassment. If his parents are fulfilling their role then you need to step up.

NavyandWhite · 08/12/2016 07:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SoupDragon · 08/12/2016 07:10

I have to tell my teenage sons that they smell and they need to shower. Well, DS1 started voluntarily showering every day when he went from boys school to co-Ed sixth form. I don't think this was coincidence :o

I am, as we speak, shouting at DS2 who needs to shower as he played rugby last night. I can't make him shower though. It's not always the parents fault.

NavyandWhite · 08/12/2016 07:11

This reply has been deleted

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SoupDragon · 08/12/2016 07:16

Not if they're showering daily

And the key word there is "if"

Anyway, DS1 still smelt at the end of the day in summer even with a daily shower and antiperspirant.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 08/12/2016 07:29

Even if they do shower daily which ds does, sometimes twice daily he still comes down honking sometimes as I thinks he can get one more wear out of a top instead of sticking it in the washHmm

EnormousTiger · 08/12/2016 07:31

If raised with anyone raise it with the boy. Also some have conditions that make them smell eg a bowel problem so it needs to be mentioned carefully and some don't care which of course is their right!

NavyandWhite · 08/12/2016 07:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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