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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask mum not to smoke when I come and visit?

55 replies

wineoclockthanks · 07/12/2016 08:58

My mum lives alone and is a very heavy smoker. I visit her twice a week.
During the summer it isn't as much of an issue as she will have the windows and door open and we tend to sit out on the terrace.

But in the winter her flat is full of smoke and she gets snipey when I open a door or say something about the smoke. Her argument is that it's her home and no-one should tell her what she can or can't do......

I've got to the point where I'm going to say to her that I (and the grandchildren) are not going to come and visit - I'm happy to take her out etc, but I/we're not sitting in a smoky flat.

I had breast cancer 3 years ago and so I am aware that I can be more sensitive paranoid about health issues so it would be helpful to check if I ABU

OP posts:

Bagina · 07/12/2016 09:00

With children and a serious illness YANBU. Without those two factors technically she can do what she likes in her own home, but you can still decide not to visit. If she's that addicted can't she just vape whilst you're there???

ijustwannadance · 07/12/2016 09:01

You can't tell her what to do in her own home, but no way would I be going in there or letting my child in there. Can she visit you?

NavyandWhite · 07/12/2016 09:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bloodydrama · 07/12/2016 09:04

I just wouldn't visit. Meet our somewhere or at your house

ChasedByBees · 07/12/2016 09:08

I wouldn't visit.

whoopsiedaisy123 · 07/12/2016 09:09

You have my sympathy you're describing my dad! I have 2 children, 18 months and 10 weeks and his home is so smokey it not only stinks but you can literally taste it! it Its vile! He poo pops all the info about not smoking around babies because he smoked around us and it "didn't do us any harm* Aaaaaaaargh!! UADNBU but good luck trying to get her to see your point of view.

Btw I do the same as you, sit in the garden in the summer and wintertime he comes to us coz he's not allowed to smoke in our home.

Original poster

wineoclockthanks · 07/12/2016 09:11

Thank you - I was nearly positive I was right, but am aware I can not think clearly around this issue.

She hates vaping and doesn't like visiting us because she can't smoke in our house

OP posts:

Middleoftheroad · 07/12/2016 09:13

I do ask my DM not to smoke hen we go round. Trouble is,,it's in the air and I have to wash ethg if kids stay.she is mindful though. It's her house, but she understands.

If your DM is smoking (it's her house, but she could make an exception when you visit) then yes, suggest meeting elsewhere. Not worth exposing yourself or DC. Nothing worse than sitting in smokey lounge!

ColdAsIceCubes · 07/12/2016 09:19

I asked this of my parents when my eldest was a baby, and was told the same as you. I then did what you are are proposing and they wouldn't visit me because I wouldn't let them smoke in my house . We've been nc now for 5 years not just for that reason but it was one of my mums "issues".
As far as she is concerned she smoked whilst pregnant with me, and in the house when I was a child and I came to no harm (I'm asthmatic) and therefore I was being unreasonable about it.

restinginmyaccount · 07/12/2016 09:20

Not very helpful but my mum,also a lifelong heavy smoker, gave up when her 5th grandchild (my dd )was 2. Mum died a few weeks ago of lung cancer - it was horrible. But, in my view, she got to spend time with all her grandkids that she wouldn't have had if she carried on smoking. I called her twice a day but stopped visiting regularly. She decided herself to give up and did.
From age 13 to age 78. If my heavy smoking mum can do it anyone can. Smoking was a massive comfort to her when she was widowed too.

MuseumOfCurry · 07/12/2016 09:21

I know that I wouldn't be able to tolerate this because it would make me feel sick; my clothes, hair and bag would smell. I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

ThisUsernameIsAvailable · 07/12/2016 09:22

This is the reason I haven't visited my grandparents in 8 years

AyeAmarok · 07/12/2016 09:22

YANBU.

I wouldn't visit her.

Crumbs1 · 07/12/2016 09:22

My mother smokes but I have no right to tell her what she can do in her own home. I take her out for coffee/lunch and grown grandchildren rarely visit. It's not the health risk but the smell - even with windows and doors open. She now vapes a bit to pretend she isn't smoking but still smokes so still smells awful.

SendARavenToRiverRun · 07/12/2016 09:25

YANBU. It's vile to smoke around children. She has every right to continue to do so in her own home but you have every right not to subject yourselves and your kids to that.
I'd suggest meeting in town, going for a coffee or something?. Yuck, smokey, smelly houses and clothes and not to mention the health issues!

MsVestibule · 07/12/2016 09:31

YADNBU. I think the only thing you can do is have that very awkward conversation where you tell her you cannot visit her anymore. I do know that an addiction to nicotine can be terrible to beat, but it really is a simple choice between her smoking and seeing her daughter and grandchildren in her house.

If you do take her out, is she able to not smoke in cafes/restaurants for the duration of the meal, or does she always pop outside for one?

wishparry · 07/12/2016 09:36

YANBU.my dcs have never been to my mum's house because of her oh heavy chain smoking indoors.
like your mum,she said it's his house why should he have to smoke outside.
my argument was that if my DC don't have to breathe in second hand smoke in their own house I will not take them to another house to breathe it in-and I am a smoker myself.
it caused a lot of arguments to begin with.but that was nearly 6 years ago.

sweetstemcauli · 07/12/2016 09:44

OP, your mother's habit is what isolates her, not your dislike of visiting her home, I hope you are able to help her understand that.

I personally can't tolerate cigarette smoke at all - even being near a smoker who has recently had a fag makes me cough almost uncontrollably so I completely sympathise with you. And to any smokers who think mine is a hysterical reaction, I respect your right to smoke and can assure you it's thoroughly inconvenient for me considering the streets contain exhaled tobacco smoke nowadays.

girlelephant · 07/12/2016 09:57

YABU to dictate she can't smoke in her own home but you are not BU to protect the health of you and your DCs!

Anyone I know who smokes doesn't smoke in their or my house but goes outside. I can't stand smoking and would never allow anyone to smoke with DS in the room.

I would have a conversation with her reminding her (not that you should have to!) of your health and explain the health risks to all of you. Explain that due to this you are not prepared for you all to be around ins second hand smoke so the options are

1 not smoke in her house and you will visit

Visit you and smoke outside
Meet on neutral territory (if outside agree what you are comfortable with).

Good luck it sounds hard but health is too important!

TheNaze73 · 07/12/2016 09:59

YABU.

I know it's vile, disgusting & she's a drug addict but, it's her home

NavyandWhite · 07/12/2016 10:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DefinitelyNotAJourno · 07/12/2016 10:06

Drug addict is spot on I think. When you are describing people who would rather be alone with their fixation, than make changes that allow visits from family, then the is a series problem.

Nanny0gg · 07/12/2016 10:07

Drug addict is a bit harsh!?

No it's not. My DM continued smoking when she was ill and then dying from a smoking-related illness.

She couldn't give up. That's the definition of addiction to me.

sweetstemcauli · 07/12/2016 10:12

OP's mum is a addicted to cigarettes, so yes, she is a drug addict, with all the danger to life and limb that the term implies. Let no-one say that addictions do not harm families and relationships.

NavyandWhite · 07/12/2016 10:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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