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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask mum not to smoke when I come and visit?

55 replies

wineoclockthanks · 07/12/2016 08:58

My mum lives alone and is a very heavy smoker. I visit her twice a week.
During the summer it isn't as much of an issue as she will have the windows and door open and we tend to sit out on the terrace.

But in the winter her flat is full of smoke and she gets snipey when I open a door or say something about the smoke. Her argument is that it's her home and no-one should tell her what she can or can't do......

I've got to the point where I'm going to say to her that I (and the grandchildren) are not going to come and visit - I'm happy to take her out etc, but I/we're not sitting in a smoky flat.

I had breast cancer 3 years ago and so I am aware that I can be more sensitive paranoid about health issues so it would be helpful to check if I ABU

OP posts:
specialsubject · 07/12/2016 10:20

She is still putting her need for a drug above her family. Tell her you can't visit due to the smell. She could go outside for a dose when she visits you. If she won't, fine. Cigs are clearly more fun than you are to her.

UnbornMortificado · 07/12/2016 10:21

Cigarettes are (just about still) legal.

Drugs are not.

I smoke but agree in the house is horrid.

Katy07 · 07/12/2016 10:24

Her house, her right to smoke, but you're just as right to not go there. She needs to decide which is more important to her - the smoking or her family. After all, she doesn't have to quit, just come round to yours and not smoke for a while.

Quintessing · 07/12/2016 10:24

You cant tell her what to do in her home, and she cant tell you what to do.

And I dont see why you have to visit her? Surely you are doing it for her, not you. Just start a new habit of phonecalls twice a week.

georgedawes · 07/12/2016 10:26

Nicotine is a drug, albeit a legal one.

maddiemookins16mum · 07/12/2016 10:31

YANBU (and I say that as a "lightweight" smoker, meaning when I have wine or am stressed out). I'm shocked people still smoke in their homes, it's grim (and a nightmare to sell at sime point in the future).

PonderLand · 07/12/2016 10:33

My mum is exactly the same, she chain smokes when she's at home. I'm quite glad that it's roll-ups as normal cigarette smoke seems to create even more thick smoke.
I've now got a 5 month old and I've never been in her house since! She used to smoke next to me when I was pregnant and when we were in my dads car with the window down a cm (dad doesn't smoke) she just doesn't get what's so bad about it and won't change. Which unfortunately means that this Christmas she won't be seeing her first grandchild as we're off to my IL's instead.

She also says it never did me any harm but actually I have asthma, allergens to animals and dust and get eczema. All things which I personally blame on her constant smoking through out my childhood.

MrsDeltaB · 07/12/2016 10:45

I haven't been to my mums apartment for three years due to this very reason. She seems to think opening a window and spraying something smelly makes it all ok.

baconandeggies · 07/12/2016 10:53

It's not your fault she's an addict - it's her choice to put the fags above her relationships. If this means declining visits then maybe this might be extra incentive for her to consider doing things differently.

Nanny0gg · 07/12/2016 11:52

Drugs don't have to be illegal to make someone an addict!

Alcohol is illegal but you can still be addicted to it.

mum2Bomg · 07/12/2016 11:56

Don't go if she won't smoke outside - that's what I'd do anyway!

Trifleorbust · 07/12/2016 12:02

She can do what she likes in her own home. You can only choose not to go there. I understand you may want her to change her habits but she has already told you, she isn't going to stop.

EmpressOfTheSpartacusOceans · 07/12/2016 12:06

It's cigarettes not crack.

It's still a fatal & addictive drug though. And what are the tobacco companies but legalised drug dealers who want to get as many people hooked as possible?

Philip Morris, who make Marlboro, showed exactly how they really viewed their customers in a cost-benefit analysis they produced for the Czech Government in 2001. Their point was that smoking was beneficial for the economy, since smokers' early deaths saved the country having to care for them in old age.

TitaniasCloset · 07/12/2016 12:29

I'm a committed/addicted smoker but if anyone has a problem I will smoke outside while they visit. But when it gets really cold standing outside just leads to chest infections for me so I go and perch in the kitchen and tell them to keep the kids out of the kitchen while I'm smoking, they never listen and just let kids run around the house like mad dervishes then have an issue with the smoking.

I also has a friend who would make me smoke outside when I was staying at her house even in the snow and the rain, then grab one of my cigs and smoke it if she had a drink.

Anyway, I think some people are far too precious and use the smoking issue to control people. I have now fallen out with the two friends I mentioned and I couldn't be happier about it, it was far too much stress visiting/having them visit anyway, with very little pay off for me in the friendships. Much nicer now to stay at home in peace and smoke wherever and whenever I want to. Grin

I realise this has sod all to do with your situation but thought I would mention it anyway.

sweetstemcauli · 07/12/2016 12:42

Tatiana, do you believe it is precious for a person to not want someone else's exhaled smoke with all its poisons in the air they have to breathe? What about children (the majority being non-smokers) who can't necessarily choose what adults around them do?

I think that is the point OP is having to make in the choice not to want to visit.

DinosaursRoar · 07/12/2016 12:43

Just don't visit. She can do what she likes in her own home, you are an adult and she can't demand your attendance. Certainly never put your DCs in that environment.

If you stop pandering to selfish behaviour, she'll have to make a choice and you'll see, she either loves her family enough to make an effort to see you outside her home/stop smoking while you're visiting, or she doesn't.

TitaniasCloset · 07/12/2016 13:10

Hey Sweet! My post was a bit facetious maybe, of course I always try to be as considerate as I can and can't understand people smoking near small children or pregnant women, but yes in my experience some non smokers will use it as a stick to beat you with because that's their personality anyway and I think smokers already get a really hard time. So far as smoking on the street goes, I don't want to, but its sometimes the only chance I get during my day.

PollytheDolly · 07/12/2016 13:18

We are both ex smokers and now vape. Hoping to quit that too but we have a fridge magnet in our house "if you're smoking in this house, you better be on fire" Grin

Ex smokers are the worst lol

CecilyP · 07/12/2016 13:29

There must be other circumstances where your mum has to go without a cigarette for a few hours (you are of asking her to give up completely) like work or hospital appointments. So if she can't do this for you and the grandkids, she us showing cigarettes are her priority. I would refuse to go round; she can either come to you or meet up somewhere else.

Footinmouthasusual · 07/12/2016 14:06

I couldn't tolerate that op don't blame you. I wouldn't go myself but definatly not my kids.

MuseumOfCurry · 07/12/2016 15:22

in my experience some non smokers will use it as a stick to beat you with because that's their personality anyway and I think smokers already get a really hard time. So far as smoking on the street goes, I don't want to, but its sometimes the only chance I get during my day.

I have no interest in your smoking habit insofar as it doesn't affect me, but it amazes me that not wanting to inhale noxious fumes ie smoke could be considered precious.

And, I feel murderous when stuck behind a smoke-walker whose trail of smoke is polluting my hair. Why is it OK for someone to make my hair smell bad? WHY?

piglover · 07/12/2016 16:14

Why does she hate vaping? My mum was a 40+ a day person til she had a stroke :( and now is equally addicted to Nicolites, which isn't great but a hell of a lot more pleasant for all of us around her and she says it's not quite the same as smoking but a good substitute. Can you not buy her a couple and insist she uses them?

QueenArseClangers · 07/12/2016 16:20

I'm a committed/addicted smoker but if anyone has a problem I will smoke outside while they visit. But when it gets really cold standing outside just leads to chest infections for me so I go and perch in the kitchen and tell them to keep the kids out of the kitchen while I'm smoking

I don't think it's 'standing outside' that leads to chest infections in a smoker Titania...Confused

Original poster
wineoclockthanks · 07/12/2016 16:49

Well it went as well as could be expected!

She wasn't too happy and there was many passive aggressive mutterings about 'it being her life' and I can't 'dictate' to her etc

I remained very calm and explained that I can't change her behaviour but I can change mine.

She didn't have a ciggie while I was the having dropped her home so we will see........

Thank you for all comments

OP posts:
girlelephant · 07/12/2016 16:57

Well done on remaining calm and hope it works out!

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