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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to wonder why it's always a woman's job...

82 replies

Sunonagreyday · 06/12/2016 21:31

To write the Christmas cards. Just received ours from my DDad, a 'to my daughter at Christmas' card, except it doesn't really feel from him, since it's written by his OH. They have been together some time and she is lovely but we don't really know each other since I was pretty much an adult already when they met. I just feel it loses some of the sentiment...it's like we are now deemed her responsibility and she also selects any birthday and Christmas presents, it feels weird to me, like my dad can't really be bothered, I mean how long does it take to write on the card. AIBU?

OP posts:
foxessocks · 06/12/2016 22:59

Dh wrote all ours yesterday and only told me when he asked if we had any more stamps. I received a card from my brother yesterday too and he has a wife, was definitely his handwriting! My dad signs his name in cards but only be my mum makes him.

Pollaidh · 06/12/2016 23:01

It has also been noted by in-laws that presents have improved over recent years, i.e. since I started doing it (I do still consult DH btw).

Every single summer he'd forget to buy his DM a present to take with us, even though we were always with her, abroad, for her birthday. Every single year he'd go and buy her something last minute from a tourist shop. A woman can only have so many ships-in-a-bottle, amusingly-shaped-sea-shells, boat design tea towels, artistic pieces of driftwood etc.

And his poor father got a walnut crusher for about 8 years straight before I took over. Admittedly they were different designs and quite expensive, but still.

WhatHaveIFound · 06/12/2016 23:06

DH and I try to split the card writing but he normally ends up writing more than me as i generally waffle on a bit more in them.

What really annoys me is that my sister writes all the cards in their house but always signs her husband's name first. I mentioned it to her in passing but it was ignored. I could understand it if she was writing it to her inlaws but i'm her family!

Lorelei76 · 06/12/2016 23:14

My dad's always done this job.
He likes to send cards to all of the gazillion people he knows, has lists etc
I don't do Xmas cards and he is horrified!

Judydreamsofhorses · 06/12/2016 23:19

My DP wouldn't send any cards at all. I send mainly to my/our friends, from both of us, but his/our friends tend not to get any. Usually he is very, very good at presents, but this year he was made redundant so I have bought everything for his side of the family. Hopefully this will be a one-off!

Hardshoulder · 06/12/2016 23:26

Do some of you live in the 1950s? It would be a cold day in hell before I bustled about making sure DH's family got cards and presents in case it reflected badly on me. His relationships with his family, and whether those are maintained by cards and presents, are in no way my responsibility.

GrapesAreMyJam · 06/12/2016 23:48

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

ThomasHardyPerennial · 07/12/2016 08:10

It is shit that your Dad doesn't write your card/get the present OP. If it is just a case of not knowing what to get you, he could still come up with an idea with his OH, but it should be from him.

BadKnee · 07/12/2016 08:38

I send mine to my friends and family - why wouldn't I? DP always used to send his to his friends and family. Again, why wouldn't he?

When DD got old enough she helped me.

user1471439240 · 07/12/2016 08:45

Women are conditioned in early life to be caring and thoughtful, men don't give two hoots if Johanna, second cousin twice removed feels devasted at non receipt of card.

Trills · 07/12/2016 08:54

Because emotional labour is left to women.

Bumbleclat · 07/12/2016 09:11

My dad has always been like this.

Last xmas he split from his OH and is now with a woman who I haven't met yet, he keeps wanting me to have the landline number so I can get to know his new OH but to avoid countless scenarios like the one you've outlined in your OP, I just ring him on his mobile.

Men can be lazy with stuff like this but I think it's really hurtful and shows zero investment in your relationship with him.

Haha no hiding behind OH anymore DF!

KatharinaRosalie · 07/12/2016 09:11

I don't think this necessarily a woman thing, more a personality type thing. - isnt' it lucky that women tend to have the suitable personalities though? I can't think of a single family where the man makes sure he sends cards to all wife's cousins (twice removed). And where wife's mum would call him and remind him not to forget wife's great aunt's birthday next week..

amispartacus · 07/12/2016 09:16

Some interesting reasons to justify why it's done. - love the 'I have neater handwriting one'. It reminds me of 'I changed my surname because I don't like my surname' excuse.

Sugarandsalt · 07/12/2016 09:19

Joint effort in my house. He writes his cards, I do mine. I address his, he addresses mine. Planning to do them tonight!

LBOCS2 · 07/12/2016 09:22

Generally if I take over the more traditional 'women's roles' it's because I'm on maternity leave and have more time than DH so I offer.

Specifically relating to cards, Mr LBOCS has written and handed out 32 Christmas cards to his team at work.

I have written six. They're waiting to be addressed and stamps found for them.

amispartacus · 07/12/2016 09:25

I suspect a lot of industries would die out if women didn't 'take charge'. The card industry, fancy wrapping paper, most of the wedding industry etc.

Life would go on.

FinallyHere · 07/12/2016 09:38

For my mother's generation, the expectation was that thus was wifework. She was happy to buy i to that. I have always resisted and would not share my life who expected me to do things, rather than talk about who does what. DH values cards, so he sends 'em. I'm more of a Jacqui Lawson girl...

GinAndOnIt · 07/12/2016 09:46

What I find most bizarre is the whole 'his family, my family' thing. I see us as just one big family. I like to send cards and so I do it all, plus I'm the one with more time on my hands. And anyway, if we did the whole split thing, I'd have two cards to write and he'd have about fifty!

lynniep · 07/12/2016 10:04

Actually it was my job, then last year the 6 year old decided he was taking over. Result! (I'm hoping the now 7 year old is going to decide the same thing this year - I'm going to get the 9 year old to write the addresses on the envelopes -job done!)

TheNaze73 · 07/12/2016 10:10

You've allowed it to become your job.

I seriously think 99% of the population couldn't give a toss about cards but, as it's important to you, you do it

whattheseithakasmean · 07/12/2016 10:12

I think this is the thing that pisses me off about 'wifework' as it is so often tossed about on Mumsnet, A lot of it seems to be doing totally unnecessary shit and then being a martyr about it and calling it 'wifework'. It isn't ;wifework', it is a waste of time. If you want to waste your time in that way, it is highly pass-agg to start bleating about having to do 'wifework'. If you like writing cards - rock on (but you are doing the environment no favours). I don't, so I don't. I just looked outside & the world is still turning.

sianihedgehog · 07/12/2016 10:13

Just don't do it. This isn't like when they don't do the dishes, or hoover. If they don't do it themselves, they are the ones who suffer.

cheekyfunkymonkey · 07/12/2016 10:38

YANBU if it were up to the no cards would get sent and no gifts! I make him buy for his brothers and parents but always feel guilty because they just get booze usually ( whereas my family take a lot of time trying to get personal gifts) He has brothers though (not sure if this dynamic changes anything or if it is a coincidence) and none of them are big on presents. I am the only person he really makes an effort with gifts for.

Batteriesallgone · 07/12/2016 10:56

My BIL has neater handwriting so does all of his and my sisters cards. I do think in most families one person takes over responsibility for the cards - although my parents are a bit crazy about Christmas cards and send them to everyone they've ever met, so DF is in charge of The List which they both go through late Nov (do we want to send? Oh yes) and on Boxing Day (no card this year, that's three years in a row, cross them off the list. Alternatively we got a card from X, add them to the list). DM shops for the Christmas cards (grouped roughly as cheap/expensive atheist, cheap/expensive religious) and they both write to people on the list. Then DF monitors incoming Christmas cards and ticks off against the list / alerts DM if card has arrived from someone they haven't sent to. To which a discussion about which kind of card should be sent ensues, and DF usually writes it.

They are both very involved in the Christmas card process. I think it's their favourite bit of Christmas!

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