AIBU to wonder why it's always a woman's job...

[Sunonagreyday]

To write the Christmas cards. Just received ours from my DDad, a 'to my daughter at Christmas' card, except it doesn't really feel from him, since it's written by his OH. They have been together some time and she is lovely but we don't really know each other since I was pretty much an adult already when they met. I just feel it loses some of the sentiment...it's like we are now deemed her responsibility and she also selects any birthday and Christmas presents, it feels weird to me, like my dad can't really be bothered, I mean how long does it take to write on the card. AIBU?

Christmas Cards are a thing of the past. Who can be bothered. Really

I bet a lot of things would die out if some women didn't insist on doing them. Would they be missed?

I do them because I enjoy doing them.

I buy cards I like, sit down with a posh pen, Christmas music playing and a glass of wine beside me.
It's a relaxing and enjoyable way to spend an hour.

Not in my world but it is in my mums. She asked me if I had to get Xmas cards for H's mum and sisters and I said no, why would I? She asked whether he would get them, and I said I didnt know but it was his family so his job. She was scandalized as she didnt want them thinking badly of me if they didnt get a card. She wont have that as far as I am concerned, the failure would be his and would be quite happy to tell them that!

I dont know any women who do this of my generation but almost all of our mums do, must be a generational thing.

Actually I do know one, but she is so controlling that I dont think her husband chooses which pants to wear each day....

YANBU, my mum thinks like this and it drives me mad.
If I don't write Christmas cards, DH doesn't bother or plain forgets.
So one year when he didn't write any and his mum didn't get one my mum's like "aww, glitter, you didn't write her one? That's not very nice, you forgetting her."
No, he - HE! didn't write any cards out, not me. Why is it always my job?!
That's the reason men feign such crapness sometimes - they just expect to get stuff like this done for them!
Wimmins work, card writing, innit.

Not in my world but it is in my mums. She asked me if I had to get Xmas cards for H's mum and sisters and I said no, why would I? She asked whether he would get them, and I said I didnt know but it was his family so his job. She was scandalized as she didnt want them thinking badly of me if they didnt get a card. She wont have that as far as I am concerned, the failure would be his and would be quite happy to tell them that!
My mum exactly! Totally does the scandalized about cards thing too.

It's only your job if you make it so. Just don't do it. If MIL or whoever judges you not your DH for not receiving a card, it says more about her than you. If she says something, just feign ignorance and say 'oh, didn't DH send you a card'?

Agree that some women seem to insist on doing a whole manner of unnecessary tasks or essential tasks ridiculously often that the vast majority of people, and pretty much all men, don't give a damn whether they happen or not.

:o not the only one then!

To answer your question, though it's because traditionally social correspondence was the preserve of the lady of the house - invitations, thank you letters, cards etc. Just as paying social calls was the responsibility of the lady.

That attitude still prevailed when my mum was growing up and was the norm even for her generation among her friends because they were SAHMs who ran the family/household while the men WOTH.

This creates perceptions in the house you grow up in as well - so even in my mind, Christmas cards, birthday cards, thank you letters etc are "my" responsibility even though my DH is very happy to participate and in fact wrote most of our Christmas cards this year. He won't do thank you letters though because he thinks I am insane to insist on them.

We both work full time out of the home also.

My Mum always did all the cards and present buying for my Dad's side of the family and now Dad's new wife does the same.
I was adamant that I wouldn't do the same though so DH grudgingly writes his Christmas cards and his side of the family don't get any presents because apparently they don't really do presents.(they live really far away and he is not close with them so I have no idea if that's true or not) but that's up to him!

Sorry OP, but that doesn't sound right or normal

It's pretty normal in my circle, OP. I suppose most of my friends are SAHM and so they have traditionally had a bit more time to do that sort of thing in, as did I before I went back to work.

I can't speak for them, but for me, if I had time to do something useful while my DH was working, then I'd do it. Now I'm working again, we share it, although it's a hangover from me doing most of the card-writing that I do a few more, as I used to chat with the neighbours, milkman, postman etc. so although technically a 'family' thing, I actually made more connections than my DH in a domestic sense.

He's always done his family ones though.

FWIW, we have a very even split of stuff we do to keep the show on the road, and DH probably does a bit more than I do. Happy, balanced family life is made up of thousands of tiny kindnesses and a willingness to help each other. Isn't it a bit dismissive of someone doing something happily and willingly to refer to it as 'wifework'?

When my DH says "what are we getting for [his nephews]?" I just shrug

Not my circus. Not my monkeys

Are they your nephews as well, though?

I do them because I like to and DH doesn't. If I didn't do them, there wouldn't be any sent, which frankly isn't a big deal. We keep in regular contact with everyone who gets a card anyway.

I'll be writing (neater handwriting) but my DH has spent much longer making them with DS. If he hadn't made them, we probably would have split for immediate family and I would have written everyone else's. I try not to look at this in isolation though - we split most jobs 50/50 and he picks up some of the nastier tasks (bins!), so I can hardly complain about an hour or so of writing.

DH sends a few to people he works with and one to our next door neighbours but he writes them out himself, he hasn't ever asked me to write them for him. I don't send any no friends

Dh does his family and friends, they wouldn't get cards if I had to do it- I hardly know some of them so it would be a bit odd. But we do get cards from some of his friends which have obviously been written by their wives. Which I find peculiar, these women are writing cards for somebody they don't really know and a wife who they've never even met.
I do cards for my family and friends, and I write cards for the neighbours but dh has to deliver them as I find that inexpicably mortifying.

I write my side of the family - he does his own. Admittedly if it was up to him to buy the cards, his side wouldn't get any

DP doesn't send any, I figure his family must be used to not getting one off him by now so why bother trying to change it?

I have genuinely really lovely handwriting ( catholic nuns education, ruler was the weapon of choice for them) . Dh's looks like a spider crawled across the page to die. I write the cards, he wraps the presents win win...

The only people who write Christmas cards in our house are those that want to.

So far, none have been written and none are likely to. Dh might do some for work colleagues. I'm not doing any.

I do all the cards or no one would get any

idiotixt, I agree.

I do most of the "wifework", but it suits us just fine.
I am at home most of the day and have more time, it make for functional family life for me to do most of the cooking, all of the washing and the bulk of the housework through the week. OH does what he can when he is at home.
I feel we are both pulling our weight equally- it works for us.

I do almost all DH's presents (including for his side of family), most cards, and most children presents. If I didn't do it, they wouldn't get anything. He reckons they wouldn't mind, but I know he'd be pretty miffed if they forgot about him. Anyway, his family is lovely, and I feel no-present would give them the impression I didn't care about/appreciate them.

DH very disorganised and hates present buying. Always leaves till last minute and then expects my help, when I have finished (and posted - abroad) my presents in November to avoid xmas shopping hell. Or I budget carefully, and search for compact, lightweight things to post, and then he panics and spends a fortune, or buys something really heavy like a bottle of whisky which costs about £20 just to post.

OTOH he always buys me great presents. Very rarely a card though.

Around where I live its expected for the woman to write the cards. I started off doing them for ex...soon stopped as he has a massive family and doesn't like/ever see most of them I was sending a card too. So stopped and reckoned he was a big enough boy to do them himself so thereafter they got nothing. I believe the MIL was scandalised...however, he and his family do belong in the 1800's with their views of women in the home and their 'work'.

My dad also used to never ever sign a card or get a present. Until I was in my teens and pointed out he never signed a card and what was that meant to mean? He couldn't be bothered with me? There after he always signed both mine and now his grandchildren's cards :D still lets mum get the presents though.

Re your stepmum, I think that is rather kind to do that for you. But I do think your dad should step up and get the card and the present! I know what I felt when my mum did it all for my dad (and her).

Ain't in this house