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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still be angry with a vicar?

104 replies

sananbaz · 06/12/2016 19:36

Back story: DH family is very religious. Church every Sunday, Church functions, lay preaching etc. Our family (me, DH, DS9, DD6) are not religious at all. FIL regularly invites us to go to church, occasionally tries to bribe or coerce the DC, but is fairly good natured when we say no.

This Sunday, we accepted the invitation to go to a cristingle service as DC wanted to see their cousin. Service went well - I enjoyed the singing, DC enjoyed making the orange candle things (I'm sure they have an official name!). Afterwards, there was tea and coffee in the hall, but we needed to leave so only went in to say goodbye to the family. The vicar came over with a plate of mince pies asking if anyone would like one. Some people took one, but the vicar kept wafting the plate under my son's nose - who blatantly didn't want one. When the vicar put it under his nose for the fourth time, I said no thanks, he doesn't want one (DS has social difficulties). Vicar started trying to persuade him to have one, so I explained that actually he couldn't have one because he was allergic. The vicar looked at me incredulously, stooped down putting the plate under DS's nose and his face close behind it and said, oh, these are so delicious, they're really lovely, you're really missing out.... All said in a sneery, nasty way. I told him not to be so cruel, gathered the DC and we left. I resisted the urge to knock the whole plate out of his hand - this church is my IL 's life and they would have been mortified. I found out later that the vicar had also frightened my 2 yo nephew by shouting at him when he ate the sweets off the orange. We've already said that we will not be going back again (first time I've ever been but DC have gone 2-3 times before), which obviously has upset the IL's.
AIBU to still be angry at how cruel this vicar was? My DS has had a life time of being told he can't have things because of multiple allergies, why would someone think it was (presumably) funny to be cruel and make fun of him? A vicar of all people! Are they not meant to be kind??

OP posts:
Lupinlady5 · 06/12/2016 19:41

Sounds like you are massively overthinking it. Sorry! Vicars always try in a comedy fashion to force you to eat mince pies at Christmas, crime eggs after Easter service etc. I think they learn it at vicar school. GrinSounds like he was clumsy at worst.

Crispbutty · 06/12/2016 19:41

Why did you wait for him to offer the plate 5 times? Why not immediately say sorry but no thankyou he's allergic ? Confused

TwinkleMumsie · 06/12/2016 19:43

The orange is called Christingle

GetOutMyCar · 06/12/2016 19:43

Is your son really allergic to mince pies?

PleaseNotTrump · 06/12/2016 19:43

YANBU.

LilQueenie · 06/12/2016 19:44

why can't the vicar accept no is no.

timeforabrewnow · 06/12/2016 19:47

YANBU - the vicar sounds a bit unbalanced. None of my kids like mince pies and it seems odd to try and make someone eat one!

JassyRadlett · 06/12/2016 19:51

Is your son really allergic to mince pies?

It's really not that unusual to be allergic to some of the ingredients in pastry, for example.

OP, the vicar was an arse. Good excuse never to go back. I'd try to leave it behind now, though. IME vicars are just like most other folk - some lovely, some total twats who enjoy power and authority.

raviolidreaming · 06/12/2016 19:53

the vicar kept wafting the plate under my son's nose - who blatantly didn't want one. When the vicar put it under his nose for the fourth time, I said no thanks, he doesn't want one (DS has social difficulties). Vicar started trying to persuade him to have one, so I explained that actually he couldn't have one because he was allergic

Why not just say he's allergic at the first offering, rather than the mixed messages? It sounds like you're looking for an excuse to be offended so you don't need to go back.

DrWhy · 06/12/2016 19:57

What Jassey said, some are lovely, some are awful. I go to a church near me that's wonderfully welcoming, I attend sporadically and am always welcomed like a long lost child. On the other hand last year I was staying with my mum for Christmas so we went to here local church for midnight service. The vicar made several pointed digs about people who only attend at Christmas including one directly to us as we left. Mum wanted to go to church but was nervous about just arriving on her own, had they been welcoming she'd have gone back, she obviously hasn't!

Elanrode · 06/12/2016 19:58

I think this sort of behaviour is really annoying but this is where you do need to be assertive from the off. Big smile and 'oh - he really can't as he's allergic, thanks though.'

Original poster
sananbaz · 06/12/2016 20:01

Yes, he is really allergic (to several of the ingredients).

I avoid saying "no, he can't have it" as it leads to the sad face, head tilt, oh, poor you reaction, which I don't think helps with my DS accepting this as a normal part of his life.
I think my lack of experience with vicars and church life means I don't get this particular type of humour Confused

OP posts:
FannyWincham · 06/12/2016 20:08

The service is called Christingle because the symbolic oranges are Christingles.

SharkBastard · 06/12/2016 20:12

My dad was a vicar...many that I met were odd. Tried to be funny but just weren't, also pushy!

YANBU I'd be irritated and would've said something

TremoloGreen · 06/12/2016 20:12

Vicar sounds like a twat. I'm sure many are lovely and have great people skills, but it doesn't seem to be a necessary qualification.

Seems like a really good excuse to not have to go back to church to me!

thatdearoctopus · 06/12/2016 20:13

Well, look on the bright side, eh? You seem determined to dislike Church and vicars and everything associated with them, and now you've found a reason.

Stay away in future.

Rochefort · 06/12/2016 20:13

Yanbu. Vicar sounds like a twat

TheLaundryLady · 06/12/2016 20:14

YANBU I would be angry too to tell a child will allergies that he'll be missing out is disgusting.
Not surprised you aren't allowing your DC to go back

Original poster
sananbaz · 06/12/2016 20:14

Thanks, that makes sense! Grin

OP posts:
JellyBelli · 06/12/2016 20:14

raviolidreamin No is not a mixed message.

Mindtrope · 06/12/2016 20:14

You simply had a badly behaved FIL.

I don't think vicars are any more well behaved than any other father in law.

Manumission · 06/12/2016 20:15

It really is much easier to start with "he/she is allergic" than resort to it People don't believe you for some reason if you keep it quiet until you get desperate to be left alone.

I get the same thing when I sometimes take medications that i really CAN'T drink at all on. If you're upfront about why, you get less of the tedious attempts to wear you down.

FlappysMammyAndPopeInExile · 06/12/2016 20:16

YANBU - why try to persuade anyone to eat something that they really don't want in a social situation? Particularly a child?

Some people don't like particular foods, others are allergic, others are unable to eat in public, others may just not fancy something to eat at that moment - what does it matter what the reason is? THEY DON'T WANT IT!

That particular vicar is an @rs£ - but not all of them are. I'm so sorry that you and your children have been put off church by this twonk! I'm sure that if you decide to try somewhere else you have a good chance of finding a much better priest.

baconandeggies · 06/12/2016 20:17

Vicar was a bullying shit.

diddl · 06/12/2016 20:19

What a complete idiot.

Told child has an allergy but obviously knows betterHmm