To still be angry with a vicar?

[sananbaz]

Back story: DH family is very religious. Church every Sunday, Church functions, lay preaching etc. Our family (me, DH, DS9, DD6) are not religious at all. FIL regularly invites us to go to church, occasionally tries to bribe or coerce the DC, but is fairly good natured when we say no.

This Sunday, we accepted the invitation to go to a cristingle service as DC wanted to see their cousin. Service went well - I enjoyed the singing, DC enjoyed making the orange candle things (I'm sure they have an official name!). Afterwards, there was tea and coffee in the hall, but we needed to leave so only went in to say goodbye to the family. The vicar came over with a plate of mince pies asking if anyone would like one. Some people took one, but the vicar kept wafting the plate under my son's nose - who blatantly didn't want one. When the vicar put it under his nose for the fourth time, I said no thanks, he doesn't want one (DS has social difficulties). Vicar started trying to persuade him to have one, so I explained that actually he couldn't have one because he was allergic. The vicar looked at me incredulously, stooped down putting the plate under DS's nose and his face close behind it and said, oh, these are so delicious, they're really lovely, you're really missing out.... All said in a sneery, nasty way. I told him not to be so cruel, gathered the DC and we left. I resisted the urge to knock the whole plate out of his hand - this church is my IL 's life and they would have been mortified. I found out later that the vicar had also frightened my 2 yo nephew by shouting at him when he ate the sweets off the orange. We've already said that we will not be going back again (first time I've ever been but DC have gone 2-3 times before), which obviously has upset the IL's.
AIBU to still be angry at how cruel this vicar was? My DS has had a life time of being told he can't have things because of multiple allergies, why would someone think it was (presumably) funny to be cruel and make fun of him? A vicar of all people! Are they not meant to be kind??

Vicar sounds a bit of an oaf, but I don't think he was being deliberately cruel, just a bit socially maladjusted (quite a few of them around). But there are also some lovely ones.

A bit OTT to be angry with him, though possibly.

How do you feel about the church in general? If you would rather not go, then don't. It may just be something that you will have to disagree with ILs on. I may be wrong, but I am sensing some ambiguity, and it may just be better not to put yourself in a situation you don't feel comfortable with.

Sorry, cross post - I was saying thanks for explaining what the christingle is.

I'll admit, the little I know about vicars and church life is entirely from the Vicar of Dibley!

the little I know about vicars and church life is entirely from the Vicar of Dibley!

Ah! A documentary!

Horrible vicar. We also got one of those oranges and the vicar was opposite of you one you encountered. Must be someone high up in the church you can report him too as he sounds unhedged!

Actually, the reason the DC go with the IL's to church occasionally is because I want them to make their own choices about religion. I tell them the basics of all religious beliefs, and teach them to respect other's choices. They mostly say no thank you when invited, but wanted to go with their cousin this time. They were chosen to light the advent candle and went up to receive a blessing with my IL's because they wanted to. TBH I wasn't that impressed with this vicar's people skills, and am not surprised when my FIL complains about numbers being low. If my DC want to go again, I won't stop them, but I think I may avoid going again.

OP: All said in a sneery, nasty way ... AIBU to still be angry with a vicar?

Poster: I don't think he was being deliberately cruel

Why don't you believe the OP Shill ?

As another suggested, it sounds like the Vicar is an oaf, rather than deliberately cruel. YANBU to be upset though.

Unfortunately some very strange people are attracted to the priesthood (vicarhood?) there is no doubt..

Whether he meant to be deliberately cruel or he was just cruel our of hand, doesn't really matter though, does it? Or is he excused for being a silly socially awkward man of the cloth?

No excuses for causing hurt. Less excuses when you're in such a position, in fact.

How is it not cruel to learn that a child is allergic & then wave the food under their nose & tell them that they are missing out?

Thank goodness it wasn't something that Op's son wanted!

baconandeggies - because it's hard to believe someone would be that cruel to a child, in front of their parents and in a public setting, but easy to believe someone could be that stupid.

What do you think, OP? Any chance the Vicor was being stupid and dismissive, rather than deliberately cruel and bullying?

At the end of the day vicar's are just people, although I agree it is disappointing when they behave like this! Obviously, interacting with children doesn't seem to be his strong point. I wouldn't think twice about it. Some people are just daft and have little social skills or skills to recognise how others are feeling. Please don't let it put you off church though, vicars come and go!

*baconandeggies

Whether he meant to be deliberately cruel or he was just cruel our of hand, doesn't really matter though, does it? Or is he excused for being a silly socially awkward man of the cloth?*
Neither are okay, but malicious cruelty (or a deliberate attempt to 'poison' a child) is harder to forgive than unintended stupidity or social awkwardness. People in all walks of life can be (either pervasively or momentarily) stupid or awkward - it's something I at least try to forgive if ultimately no long-term harm is done.

So interesting to see the difference in language between the OP and some subsequent posters, who for some unknown reason are trying to excuse such behaviour...

OP:-

"The vicar looked at me incredulously"

"All said in a sneery, nasty way. I told him not to be so cruel"

PP:-

daft, stupid, oaf, idiot, clumsy,

If a shopkeeper tried to nastily insist that a DC eats a mince pie AFTER a mother told him he was allergic, I imagine the responses here would be somewhat different.

What did the vicar want? To cause the child actual bodily harm?

One of the reasons I stopped going to church was because of ignorant and rude clergy. YANBU!

londonrach unhedged!
Brilliant typo.

YANBU OP. What a weird thing for him to do.

Also I've met many vicars with terribly people skills which is really odd as it's such a people-y job. I know the theology bit's important too, but still...

If a shopkeeper tried to nastily insist that a DC eats a mince pie AFTER a mother told him he was allergic, I imagine the responses here would be somewhat different.
It isn't about him being a vicar, I'd be saying the same if it was a shopkeeper. It seems difficult to believe someone would deliberately try to poison a child, in front of their parents and in a public setting.

If the OP really thinks the Vicar was doing it deliberately, with the intent to harm her child, she should call the police.

The vicar sounds like an arse.

*raviolidreamin No is not a mixed message

Fair point. I guess I was just looking at it as if the vicar might have initially thought OP's son was being shy and trying to encourage him. Probably not though!

Not a nice vicar - in fact an idiot given he had no idea of the severity of the allergies, or the strength of will of your child had they wanted something that would have harmed them.

We aren't religious, but DS1's old school was heavily affiliated with the local church (not a church school, just generally, within the community) so we used to take the kids to the big occasions (including Cristingle, with small kids wandering around carrying oranges spiked with toothpicks on 200 year old uneven floors - at least they used glowsticks rather than candles for the little ones!) - the vicar and congregation were always lovely, and happy to see the children and parents. There are nice churches and vicars, plenty of them.

There are twats in every profession, every hobby and every walk of life.

It's unfortunate you came across one.

Dreadful, nasty man hiding behind a religious persona. YANBU ++++