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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still be angry with a vicar?

104 replies

sananbaz · 06/12/2016 19:36

Back story: DH family is very religious. Church every Sunday, Church functions, lay preaching etc. Our family (me, DH, DS9, DD6) are not religious at all. FIL regularly invites us to go to church, occasionally tries to bribe or coerce the DC, but is fairly good natured when we say no.

This Sunday, we accepted the invitation to go to a cristingle service as DC wanted to see their cousin. Service went well - I enjoyed the singing, DC enjoyed making the orange candle things (I'm sure they have an official name!). Afterwards, there was tea and coffee in the hall, but we needed to leave so only went in to say goodbye to the family. The vicar came over with a plate of mince pies asking if anyone would like one. Some people took one, but the vicar kept wafting the plate under my son's nose - who blatantly didn't want one. When the vicar put it under his nose for the fourth time, I said no thanks, he doesn't want one (DS has social difficulties). Vicar started trying to persuade him to have one, so I explained that actually he couldn't have one because he was allergic. The vicar looked at me incredulously, stooped down putting the plate under DS's nose and his face close behind it and said, oh, these are so delicious, they're really lovely, you're really missing out.... All said in a sneery, nasty way. I told him not to be so cruel, gathered the DC and we left. I resisted the urge to knock the whole plate out of his hand - this church is my IL 's life and they would have been mortified. I found out later that the vicar had also frightened my 2 yo nephew by shouting at him when he ate the sweets off the orange. We've already said that we will not be going back again (first time I've ever been but DC have gone 2-3 times before), which obviously has upset the IL's.
AIBU to still be angry at how cruel this vicar was? My DS has had a life time of being told he can't have things because of multiple allergies, why would someone think it was (presumably) funny to be cruel and make fun of him? A vicar of all people! Are they not meant to be kind??

OP posts:
buggerForTheBottle · 07/12/2016 04:39

honeyrider
The vicar's behaviour is creepy, I'd have asked him why did he have such an interest in a young boy.

No need for that, is there.

@OP
You're talking about someone who's spent their life thinking about a made up, nasty man in the sky. What were you expecting? Rational behaviour?

BratFarrarsPony · 07/12/2016 06:06

Grin @ bugger - you might indeed have a point

SVJAA · 07/12/2016 06:28

No YANBU, I used to get really annoyed when I explained about DS2 having a severe milk allergy and people would still try and give him ice cream or milk. Funnily enough my dad is a minister (Church of Scotland) and he wouldn't do something like that to a child, the bairns all love my dad because he's so chilled out and easy going. The vicar in this instance was a twat.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 07/12/2016 07:16

It's a non issue ! I think you want an excuse to hate the vicar TBH

derxa · 07/12/2016 07:37

It's a non issue ! I think you want an excuse to hate the vicar TBH
Amen to that

shovetheholly · 07/12/2016 07:44

What? How is this a non-issue?

You've only got to look at the upsetting thread on showering naked at school to see the kind of damage that blind deference to authority can do to children, and the kind of predatory behaviours that it can lead to. The scandal after scandal raining down on us about the abuse of children by people in authority shoudl tell us that. It's time that we confronted the fact that these weren't 'a few bad apples' , a number of evil deviant men. They were enabled because of a much, much wider culture that didn't respect the personhood, dignity and rights of children when set against the power of authority figures. That culture stretches from minor incidents like this to far more major ones of sexual abuse -it's all part of the same picture.

Behaviour like this isn't acceptable any more.

Minesril · 07/12/2016 08:28

He sounds like he's in the wrong job! My vicar is fantastic with children - i think in another life he'd be a teacher. Lovely man - and his sermons are over in 5 minutes. Smile

If you're vile to your congregation, why on earth should they go back??

FlappysMammyAndPopeInExile · 07/12/2016 09:15

Our vicar is a pretty nasty individual personally (I am a licensed reader and worked very closely with him for umpteen years), but as the public Face of the Church, you couldn't get better - great with kids, very accommodating re: Christenings and weddings, does a lovely funeral etc. Very, very charming man until you know him.

But it's all top show. - He's not nice. Jealous, greedy bully actually who has driven at least one curate into a nervous breakdown.

As other people have said - Vicars are people, too. There are nice and there are nasty, competent and incompetent - there are some who are so unpleasant and money-obsessed and self-serving you under where Christ is in their lives, and others are so hard-working and thoughtful and generous with their money and their time that they are in danger of making themselves ill.

differentnameforthis · 07/12/2016 09:27

Vicars always try in a comedy fashion to force you to eat mince pies at Christmas, crime eggs after Easter service etc Yes, hilarious when someone tries to force someone into doing something they don't want...

sweetstemcauli · 07/12/2016 09:56

For quite some years now there has been a crisis in recruitment into the C of E priesthood, I know this because I have a friend who works in this area. Regrettably this means that idiots like this vicar get through the net occasionally. Write to his bishop setting out the fact that this person shouted at a two year old and tried to goad your DC into eating food to which he had been DC was allergic - I'm sure they would be interested. His parish might be fed up with him too. Hmm

sweetstemcauli · 07/12/2016 10:03

Five minute sermons, Minesril? Excellent! After all a preacher should be able to say all that they need to in that time, the rest is padding.

Incidentally, OP, the christingle is name of the orange or tangerine itself. The tradition originated in Germany and seemed to gain popularity in the 1970s/80s here.

OzzieFem · 07/12/2016 11:49

The vicar is a nasty piece of work. Another reason to dislike the vicar is him shouting at a 2 yr old for eating the sweets off the Christingle. Does anyone really expect a 2 yr old not to?

Millymollymanatee · 07/12/2016 12:40

I must admit to a fleeting thought about what else that vicar gets up to with small boys. At one time we'd never have thought such a thing but very sadly we now know that there are professions that attract certain types of people.

Having status, access to children and ability to power and control are dangerous in the wrong hands as we have seen repeatedly over the last few years.

It saddens me considerably.

HaveNoSocks · 07/12/2016 13:06

YANBU no excuse for what he did, plain bullying. Why would you put sweets in front of a two year old and be surprised he ate them? No reason to think he's a peado just sounds like a nasty man plain and simple.

derxa · 07/12/2016 13:15

I must admit to a fleeting thought about what else that vicar gets up to with small boys. Goodness me. Well he's not doing a very good job of grooming seeing as he's upset both the little boy and his parents.
MN hysteria at its worst.

K425 · 07/12/2016 13:15

YANBU. As someone else said, No is a complete sentence. DS (13) and I have coeliac disease and we will tell people if food is being pressed upon us, but really we shouldn't have to.

As for shouting at a 2yo for eating the Christingle sweets, he needs to get a grip. For a start, kids and sweets. At my local church, once the Christingle decoration is underway, the request is "don't eat the sweeties until everyone's finished making their Christingle. That goes for grown-ups too. That includes [Sunday School teacher]."

Badhairday1001 · 07/12/2016 13:17

The vicar is lucky your son is polite!
I've not met many kids who actually like mince pies, not liking something is good enough reason to say no. YANBU he didn't behave in a kind way, I wouldn't go back either ( I wouldn't have gone in the first place).

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 07/12/2016 13:19

but very sadly we now know that there are professions that attract certain types of people

that's actually really offensive. Vicar acted like a twat but to go that far. whatever.... spread that muck and vileness with abandon

time to hide thread

Millymollymanatee · 07/12/2016 13:36

Take offence is you must, but what I posted is absolutely true. Certain professions do attract paedophiles and I did have a fleeting thought about it.

When you look at some of the cases of children being abused, religion is a culprit time and time again. What's more, senior clergy have gone to great lengths to cover it up.

derxa · 07/12/2016 13:40

Yes Molly but you're reacting exactly the way the OP wanted. She implied a lot of things with her OP.

Millymollymanatee · 07/12/2016 13:44

Yes Molly but you're reacting exactly the way the OP wanted. She implied a lot of things with her OP.

How you can read all that from the OP, only you can know.

buggerForTheBottle · 07/12/2016 13:48

The OP said he was 'sneery', 'nasty', 'creepy' but didn't allude to anything more sinister that I can see.

You're correct Molly but that has nothing to do with the thread and you're clearly trying to rile people.

derxa · 07/12/2016 14:00

How you can read all that from the OP, only you can know. Grin

Millymollymanatee · 07/12/2016 14:06

you're clearly trying to rile people

Absolutely rubbish. I don't have much time for the clergy or religion. I really think they need to get their house in order. I think you'll find that many people share this view.

I am not trying to rile you or anyone else.

buggerForTheBottle · 07/12/2016 14:12

I don't have much time for them either but you're bring deliberately provocative on a thread about something different Milly.