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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU not wanting my toddler to sleep with step Grandad?

82 replies

Badgoushk · 05/12/2016 20:39

So we see my MIL and her husband (my daughters' step Grandad) a few times a year but not often at their house. They live 2 hours away but I have a just-turned-3-year- old DD and a 1-year-old DD so, kindly, they usually come to us. Understandably, their place isn't particularly child friendly and there are a lot of low lying glass and china ornaments that remain on display during our visits.

So, we visited them this weekend for the first time in months, if not years. MIL had been saying to DH that she wanted DD1 to sleep in her bed with her and her husband. DH said no it's alright we'll bring a travel cot. They have 3 bedrooms and DH and I slept in one with our baby in our bed (we cosleep) and our DD1 in the travel cot in the same room. DD1 is still in a toddler cotbed with high sides at home.

MIL wasn't happy with this arrangement. She wanted DD1 in with her (she's late 60s, husband is about 80). We said no but MIL likes to do what she likes to do.

So the evening comes around and MIL wants to bathe the girls (fine). Then read stories to DD1 in her bedroom (fine). Then plan was for DH to put DD1 to sleep in the travel cot. MIL was taking AGES so in the end DH went up to hurry her along and found MIL and DD1 under the covers together, almost asleep.

Anyway, I know this is going to come up again during the next visit as DD1 is getting too big for the travel cot.

DH wants a quiet life but he's lost trust in his Mum (there is a lot of back story) when she blatantly disregards what he/I want.

MIL wants DD1 to sleep in her double bed with her and 80 year old step Grandad. I do not. I think it's a bit weird. AIBU?

OP posts:

Ilovefffffffridays · 05/12/2016 21:58

YANBU. I would not like it.
You cannot be polite when your kids are involved and you are not happy with a situation. If you don't feel it's right, it's not right. Go with your gut.

StarsandSparkles · 05/12/2016 22:00

That just sounds weird and rather creepy to me

lorelairoryemily · 05/12/2016 22:04

Yanbu. That is so weird!! I would just say no, absolutely not, strange woman.

dailymaillazyjournos · 05/12/2016 22:06

I think it's a bit weird and YANBU. DGD will fall asleep on me but I'm her maternal grandma and have looked after her a lot since she was born. I'm divorced and if bf was staying over, no way would he be in the same bed as DGD. And if DD said she didn't want DGD to sleep in my bed (she falls asleep on me and then I put her in travel cot and sometimes I bring her in bed if she wakes at a crazy time in the morning, just to try to get a bit more kip for both of us.) that would be the end of it. I'd not be wheedling to try persuade her otherwise. And if DGD didn't want to get in my bed, that would also be the end of it. Stick to your guns and don't apologise for it. Your wants/feelings and DS's come first here.

ConvincingLiar · 05/12/2016 22:09

Weird. Don't let her insist.

curlyhairandsocks · 05/12/2016 22:17

Sounds really weird. More so the fact that MIL has preplanned the situation. Your post gave me shivers

MariamaMay · 05/12/2016 22:21

YANBU!

It sounds strange. There are big alarm bells ringing for me here. It may be just weird but I would be extremely cautious.

VimFuego101 · 05/12/2016 22:21

I find it really odd that she's actively pushing for this to happen. It would be different if the children were staying with her and they went to her in the middle of the night.

Footinmouthasusual · 05/12/2016 22:22

Vim well exactly

Miserylovescompany2 · 05/12/2016 22:23

Why would you seriously want somone else's young child in your bed? It's not as if lack of space is a contributing factor either? I wouldn't feel at all comfortable about it either.

Imagine how the LO would feel if she woke in the night to 80 YO snoring his head off? The poor child might have nightmares for years to come.

I can understand MIL wanting to be close to her grandchild(ren) but there are other ways to achieve that without resorting to disrespecting the parents wishes.

Personally, I would make a huge fuss of your LO and let her pick out a special big girls travel bed. Let her sleep in it at home the night before. Then she'll be the one to say "NO, I want to sleep in MY bed" then you just reinforce her wishes...

Longtalljosie · 05/12/2016 22:26

I had this. DD1 - who's hypermobile and therefore sleeps v deeply - never ever even considered anything other than getting into her own bed and zonking out so I was as as anything when she stayed at MIL's and I was told she'd "wanted" to come in with Grandma. She didn't sleep well and was exhausted all week. A few months later at another sleepover FIL was relegated to the spare room to facilitate it from the off. I had to ask her not to in the end, it didn't go down well. Kondo has it, I think it was a nostalgic thing, but for me it wasn't good for DD - who wasn't getting the sleep she needed. And was creating a bad habit which had never occurred to her!

CheerfulYank · 05/12/2016 22:33

It's weird. All of mine have slept in bed with my parents at one time or another but if I'd said no and they didn't back off I would NOT be okay with it at all.

Footinmouthasusual · 05/12/2016 22:33

Well as a grand mum I always listen to my dss and dds and follow their parenting wishes.

And as a mum of 4 I value my sleep so as daily says unless it's to help dgc sleep or cope then no why would you?

JellyBelli · 05/12/2016 22:36

YANBU, and I wouldn't leave her alone with them from now on either.

Christmassnake · 05/12/2016 22:40

I co slept with all my kids,it's lovely...I kind of understand in a weird way,she probably has nice memories from her own days as a mother....but,it's a step grandparent,and plus you have said no...so that should be the end of it.

ChuckGravestones · 05/12/2016 22:42

Did your husband take the child out of the bed, or leave her there?

ChicRock · 05/12/2016 22:45

It's not the wanting to co-sleep that's weird.

It's the bloody insistence and manipulation to try and make it happen that's fucking creepy.

InTheKitchenAtParties · 05/12/2016 22:52

MIL sounds like a woman who wants her own way always. She needs to learn that 'no' is a full sentence.
I don't actually think she cares too much about co-sleeping with your DD.
She just wanted to dictate to you how the sleeping arrangements would be and you were expected to comply, whether you agreed or not.

Original poster

Badgoushk · 05/12/2016 23:14

Thanks everyone so much for your replies. DH thinks I've misrepresented things by focussing on the Stepgrandad. He says his Mum wants to sleep with DD1 and the fact that he's in the bed too is an aside. Either way, it wasn't suggested that he sleep elsewhere.

Thank you for the personality disorder link.

I've shown my DH your replies and I think he gets more where I'm coming from now.

OP posts:

QueenofLouisiana · 05/12/2016 23:15

Odd. DS has shared a bed with my mum and step dad when little. But it was always his choice to sneak in for a cuddle! It was never manipulated or "encouraged" and DS has stayed with them from being tiny- not a rare event.

I would find it uncomfortable in the situation you describe, despite my general support for blended families.

ClopySow · 06/12/2016 08:44

Actually your husband is right, step grandad isn't the problem here, granny is.

BratFarrarsPony · 06/12/2016 08:48

and could I please just say that this person is not a 'step grandad' he is some old bloke who lives with your MIL.
Just dont take her there any more. Why be so insistent about having a child in your bed? weird.

Crumbs1 · 06/12/2016 08:52

She wants the warmth and cuddles but less weird than unsafe. Two elderly people likely to roll and suffocate so absolutely not.

littlesallyracket · 06/12/2016 12:32

Actually your husband is right, step grandad isn't the problem here, granny is

I agree. It's not the grandad who's obsessed with having the kids in the bed, is it? It's your MIL. Some wriggling sprog kicking him in the kidneys all night is probably the last thing he wants, in fact.

If your child got up in the night and was worried and got into their bed, it wouldn't bother me; that would be normal and fine IMO. But the MIL being so insistent on this is weird. It's just a boundaries thing. You've said you'd rather your kids sleep in their own bed, so that's how it should be. End of story.

katiekrafter · 06/12/2016 14:42

YANBU - she should buy a teddy bear. Totally unreasonable behaviour and very weird imo.

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