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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for help re 'playdate' etiquette

71 replies

BB2000 · 05/12/2016 16:27

My DD (5) has been asked round to friend's house for a play/tea after school on Friday. What is the norm, do parents tend to stay or not? She is in year 1 but young for her year and would not be happy to be left by herself. Added to that I don’t know the parents more than to smile to at the school gate. Given this my DH does not want DD to go by herself anyway.

Pretty sure the mum’s invite was really just for DD as her child is older/easily confident to stay at parties/playdates by herself. AIBU to tag along too (I would have to bring DS 2 with me too). To be honest I think this is the only option for me to go too – just don’t want to impose/upset the other mum. ( I would warn her first – of course!!).

OP posts:

Buttwing · 05/12/2016 16:31

My daughters in y1 and if she was invited to tea at someone's house I wouldn't go especially with another child. Could you speak to the mum and explain that she's not happy to be left? She might invite you or she may suggest meeting somewhere all together.

baconandeggies · 05/12/2016 16:31

Ask your DD what she'd prefer? Then if it's for you to stay - see if you can stay for a cuppa until DD's happy for you to leave? (or not!)

AmberLav · 05/12/2016 16:33

Just ask the mum. Say DD is a bit nervous, but the mum might be happy to get to know you, so may be happy for you to stay.

DailyMailCrap · 05/12/2016 16:34

My dsd is 8 and mature but I always go with her for playdates.

Randytortoise · 05/12/2016 16:34

Are they going straight from school or will you be taking her? I think because you would have to take another child with you, you will definitely need to ask as surely they would need feeding too?

Lewwat · 05/12/2016 16:35

Would she really not be happy to be left? Or is it that you've just never left her. If she is with her friend I'd think she would be very excited and barely miss you!

I wouldn't gatecrash. Especially if you have another dc! If you feel she can't go then why not just invite them to yours

JennyOnAPlate · 05/12/2016 16:35

I think you need to ask the other mum. I wouldn't just tag along with another child in tow too...that would be pretty rude imo.

Buttwing · 05/12/2016 16:38

Dailymail why do you go? Not being snarky it would just never enter my head to go with any of my older ones.
Op why does your dh not want her to go alone? Is it because you don't know them well?

corinthian · 05/12/2016 16:39

By year one, I would say the norm is for them to go their own. Which doesn't mean that all childten in year one are ready to go on their own. If she isn't, then I would just tell the mum and maybe offer to have her child come to your house instead. The other mother can always then say if she is happy for you to come too.

willconcern · 05/12/2016 16:39

You definitely need to talk to the mum.

When my DCs were in year 1, there was no way I'd go with them on a playdate after school unless it was a good friend of mine and it was clear we were all invited.

If you asked me this, I'd probably say ok come along for a cup of tea, but I have to admit I'd think it was pretty odd.

DaisyMailcrap, why do you always go on playdates with your DD?

NoSunNoMoon · 05/12/2016 16:44

I think you'll need to ask, especially as you are going to take an uninvited child as well. It's a bit rude to expect her to feed 2 extra people. I never stayed when the DCs were invited for tea after they started school.

DailyMailCrap · 05/12/2016 16:45

I go because her mum was molested by a friend's dad during a playdate. dsd's mum was a good friend from my primary school years (she introduced me to dh). I knew the molester and the family well & had even played there myself. I think it just stayed with all of us (inc my sis who is nearly the same age).

SharingMichelle · 05/12/2016 16:45

Gosh. I think if my 8yo made a friend whose mother insisted on coming on playdates i would find excuses not to invite the child round. Sorry Daily but it's the truth. Are you sure you're not damaging your dsd's social life?

Anyway. To OP, you say "I'm afraid she won't be happy to stay by herself" and wait and see if the other mother says to come along, or if she says "oh dear, well never mind, maybe next year then." You could always say that your dd won't stay, so would the other little girl like to come to your house instead.

SharingMichelle · 05/12/2016 16:46

Oh god, awful cross post there. Sorry.

Floggingmolly · 05/12/2016 16:46

I can't believe you accompany your 8 year old on play dates, Daily!! (Is she ever invited back?)
It's generally the case that once they're in school, it's drop and go.
Is this her first ever play date, op?

Floggingmolly · 05/12/2016 16:46

Ah...

DailyMailCrap · 05/12/2016 16:48

Dsd's friends mums understand why I and dsd's mum might have issues leaving her alone sharingmichelle I don't expect your narrow mind to understand.

BearFeet · 05/12/2016 16:50

I can't think of anything worse than the mum coming too. If this happened I wouldn't invite the child again. But then again I'm very unsociable.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 05/12/2016 16:56

Given that it's after school; I don't think the other mum will be expecting you to go. They usually pick the child up then, and you collect later.

You could either speak to the other mum and say DD isn't keen on staying on her own; although that does rather change the dynamic (two extra kids and an extra adult as opposed to just one extra child), so it might be best to then go to a public place or something instead?

Or give other mum your mobile number before Friday; get her to give you a call if DD is upset. She'll probably surprise herself and be absolutely fine, and it's confidence building.

musicinspring1 · 05/12/2016 16:56

I have my own rule that I always go with my dd (now 7) the first time she's invites somewhere new. I generally stay for a quick cup of tea, ensure dd knows where the toilet is etc, is happy for me to go and then I leave them to it. This stemmed from dd being shy and unwilling and partly because to be honest I wasn't happy leaving her somewhere unknown! No one has ever had a problem with this (to my face!) DD is a lot more confident knowing I've been somewhere with her and on subsequent visits is fine on her own as it's a 'known place'. She's kept the same friends for the last couple of years. .. A friend did ask me if the same 'rule' would apply if someone new invited her over aged 10 for example.... I don't know the answer to that one!

witsender · 05/12/2016 16:57

My eldest is 6, but whenever she has been invited round it has very much been expected that a parent would go too. I would just ask the parent.

claraschu · 05/12/2016 17:02

I was always glad to have parents stay when mine were that age, and the 2 year old would have been very welcome too.

I made some good friends hanging around with other parents, and that was great for me, as I was eager to make new friends!

Squiff85 · 05/12/2016 17:02

I'd find it weird if the Mum came too, especially with another child.

I'd say you don't want to leave her and go from there, but I would text it rather than face to face or you put her in a difficult position where she feels she has to agree

formerbabe · 05/12/2016 17:08

I wouldn't find it strange if the mum came as the dd is only 5 years old. I think that's quite young. I'd be fine if mum did or didn't come along. If they did, I'd make some coffee and chat at the kitchen table. I think it's fine.

I might raise an eyebrow at mum wanting to come along if the child was a bit older though.

WorraLiberty · 05/12/2016 17:16

I think you need to chat to the Mum and explain that you think your DD might not be confident to go without you, then see what the reply is.

Personally, I would find it really awkward if you turned up at my house with another child in tow, especially since I'd be busy cooking tea for everyone.

I think in that position I'd be really understanding, but perhaps switch the playdate to a Saturday morning or something.

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