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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for help re 'playdate' etiquette

71 replies

BB2000 · 05/12/2016 16:27

My DD (5) has been asked round to friend's house for a play/tea after school on Friday. What is the norm, do parents tend to stay or not? She is in year 1 but young for her year and would not be happy to be left by herself. Added to that I don’t know the parents more than to smile to at the school gate. Given this my DH does not want DD to go by herself anyway.

Pretty sure the mum’s invite was really just for DD as her child is older/easily confident to stay at parties/playdates by herself. AIBU to tag along too (I would have to bring DS 2 with me too). To be honest I think this is the only option for me to go too – just don’t want to impose/upset the other mum. ( I would warn her first – of course!!).

OP posts:

Biffsboys · 05/12/2016 23:50

I would stay for a quick cuppa and leave my mobile no to call me if ds was at all upset ?

kelpeed · 06/12/2016 02:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rustythedog · 06/12/2016 03:01

I would not leave a five year old with people I only knew to nod hello to!!! I find it incredibly strange that anybody would do this. The house could be dangerous, the parents could be dangerous. Absolutely no way. I wouldn't have a problem with kids coming to my house (but would find it odd that their parents allowed it) but I would not be happy to leave my kids with somebody I didn't know.

Charlie97 · 06/12/2016 04:19

I always felt uncomfortable with leaving my children with parents who wanted me out the door first thing, mostly cos these parents - In my own experince - seemed to just want to have your children over to entertain their children without meanginful adult oversight so they could get on with their own vices (smoking,drinking with their mates, watching tv etc).

WOW!!!

I'm not sure how many parents would be doing any of that (apart from watching TV) at 3 pm in the afternoon? Let alone with the responsibility of another child in the house. I do not believe that people that have said on this thread that they would prefer the mum and DS not to stay, would be engineering a year 1 babysitter for their own child, to enable them to drink, smoke, hang out with their mates!

I think it's very kind of another parent to invite a child on a play date. Mine used to love them.

Do you have any evidence of any of these events taking place? Or just a generic judgement call on people parenting differently from you?

You remind me of Katie Hopkins...all children with names of places are horrible.

OP-If your daughter is nervous then stay, as you say don't rock the boat, be led by her. She'll also let you know when she doesn't want you around (they all get to that stage).

KeyserSophie · 06/12/2016 04:36

Being totally honest..... I'd probably say it was ok to stay out of politeness but I'd secretly be a bit FFS because I'd be hoping to get on with something while the girls played rather than making small talk and dealing with the dynamic of the spare toddler wanting to play with them and being rebuffed.

However, my perspective may well be because I live overseas, the expat community is quite small, the demographic narrow, and people tend to be more relaxed about "strangers".

dylsmimi · 06/12/2016 05:28

Wow this thread has surprised me. Once the Dc start reception it is the norm at out school that they go after school to play on their own
They all play independently and of course I keep an eye on them but don't get involved (they play in the living room so I can see them )
They like to feel grown up but maybe its because our community has a high level of vices going on at 4pm - all that daytime drinking, smoking, gambling etc
I wouldn't mind if a parent wanted to come along but it certainly wouldn't be the norm for after school - often the point being you don't have to do the school run!

Floggingmolly · 06/12/2016 08:24

But this is a Year 1 child... All this talk of "strangers", and "people we don't know"
They've been classmates for well over a year now, it's really not the same as sending your child off to play at the house of someone you just sat next to on the bus last week.
Any parents to avoid (and I'll allow there may well be some) will be blatantly obvious by now.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 06/12/2016 08:28

Flogging- you're very wrong unfortunately.

Floggingmolly · 06/12/2016 08:38

Why?

Crumbs1 · 06/12/2016 09:00

she manages at school or nursery so will be fine playing - you are problem imposing your anxiety. Let her go, let her grow up confident. Go shopping whilst she has fun.

witsender · 06/12/2016 09:03

You really can't make these ridiculous assumption about other people's children, they're all different!

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 06/12/2016 09:12

You're presuming everyone in the class has parents/older siblings/relations like you and it's naive to think that you can just tell what 'dodgy ones' look like by sight. Just because your child is in the same class as someone it isn't a guarantee of anything if you don't know the parents.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 06/12/2016 09:13

You really can't make these ridiculous assumption about other people's children, they're all different!

It's the adults /wider family that can sometimes be the issue ,the kids are usually fine.

chipsandgin · 06/12/2016 09:51

That is interesting DailyMailCrap, I totally get where you are coming from & as you have this bond with the parents hopefully that will make it easier moving forward, especially if they go to secondary together (& perhaps you will feel you know/trust the other parents enough when they're a bit older to be more independent).

I am wary of letting my 13 year old stay with people who are strangers to me - other parents however have no qualms apparently (which I know as have had several arrangements made for kids to stay here without any contact with the parents at all unless I force it, which is baffling frankly!).

Allthewaves · 06/12/2016 09:58

I'd ring the mum. Explain dd is nervous, unfortunately won't go by her self on a playdate so would they mind coming to you for tea for the first time

kelpeed · 06/12/2016 10:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kelpeed · 06/12/2016 10:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

golfbuggy · 06/12/2016 10:55

In my experience "nervous" children often have "nervous" parents.

That aside, I'd probably roll my eyes if a parent asked to accompany their 5 year old to a playdate, but I'd graciously say "of course". the main issue would be the 2 year old - my house wasn't toddler proofed by the time DD was in Y1, and I went straight from work - school - home so any extra housework would not have been appreciated. Plus if you introduce a 2 year old into the mix you get a different play date dynamic.

Your problem will be next time. Actually there probably wouldn't be a next time if you insisted on coming again.

DrowningInPoop · 06/12/2016 11:18

Speak to the mum and say that DD wouldn't be happy to stay on her own, so she'd either need to be accompanied by you and DS, you'd be happy to meet at insert local soft play or that you'd be happy to host them at yours.

Charlie97 · 06/12/2016 21:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Italiangreyhound · 06/12/2016 22:27

golfbuggy "In my experience "nervous" children often have "nervous" parents." Which is a 'nice' way of saying any issues a child will have are just straight from the parents. Not very helpful or scientific.

and "Your problem will be next time. Actually there probably wouldn't be a next time if you insisted on coming again." Not a very kind post at all.

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