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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for help re 'playdate' etiquette

71 replies

BB2000 · 05/12/2016 16:27

My DD (5) has been asked round to friend's house for a play/tea after school on Friday. What is the norm, do parents tend to stay or not? She is in year 1 but young for her year and would not be happy to be left by herself. Added to that I don’t know the parents more than to smile to at the school gate. Given this my DH does not want DD to go by herself anyway.

Pretty sure the mum’s invite was really just for DD as her child is older/easily confident to stay at parties/playdates by herself. AIBU to tag along too (I would have to bring DS 2 with me too). To be honest I think this is the only option for me to go too – just don’t want to impose/upset the other mum. ( I would warn her first – of course!!).

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 05/12/2016 17:16

Lewwat "Would she really not be happy to be left? Or is it that you've just never left her. If she is with her friend I'd think she would be very excited and barely miss you!"

How can you possibly know the OP's daughter better than her?

Agree texting a good idea.

My daughter would have been very unhappy to be left at that age. OP, do what your dd's wants, just tell the other mum your dd will be unhappy if you don't stay and you will have ds so if it is a problem could she just go over for a playdate?

PS I've been to loads of people's homes with the kids and the other mum and i have a great chat and a cuppa. And of all the play dates ds has had recently at our home only one person left her child and that was because she had to go somewhere. I think the etiquette is what you make it. But it is best to be up front early, even when invited, so the other mum or dad knows what to expect.

I thin basically there is no norn, just everyone thinks what they do is the norn, including me!

PrettySophisticated · 05/12/2016 17:17

This is one of those strange parenting anomalies. We expect outside organisations to check everyone dc will come into contact with and then leave our dc with someone else who "seemed ok" at the school gate.

I always had the dc come here first. That way I could at least have a bit of a chat with mum before leaving mine in their care and I could see how their dc were. Not sure really if I've got the expertise but I did occasionally pick something up from the child that made me think I didn't want my child to be left at their house. The one that really sticks in my mind was child's fear of mum's boyfriend and it's since come to light that I should have taken action about that Sad

TinselTwins · 05/12/2016 17:18

What has it got to do with how mature or confident a kid is?
Seriously it's not okay to send your kid to a house you have never set foot in!
My kids can go alone to houses I've been to, but never to houses I've never set foot in - not at that age anyway! If it's the first invite I'ld go with, after that they can go solo.

Italiangreyhound · 05/12/2016 17:18

PS in the past we have usually had a short play date, snacks and drinks after school. Then if the kids really do get along we might move onto tea together and then the mum may not stay. That's with dd, ds (6) has not had anyone to tea yet really. It is hard to sustain their interest in playing nicely for a long time, I find, and so a shorter play with no waiting for the nuggets to cook is easier, especially first time! IMHO.

MigsSlippers · 05/12/2016 17:21

You could text the mum and offer to bring child round at 4pm or whatever. Tbh I think you should have sorted this when accepting the playdate. It's a bit off to invite yourself and DS along too now, but I'm not sure what choice you have if you've already accepted for DD and you aren't prepared to leave her.

WorraLiberty · 05/12/2016 17:22

I'm trying to think back to when I was a kid (I'm 47 now).

I don't ever remember parents accompanying their kids on playdates.

I think if the child wasn't confident enough on their own, then they just weren't ready yet.

I seem to remember being about 7yrs old before I went to my friend's after school.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 05/12/2016 17:22

I used to go the first time or just for a quick cuppa then come back later .

MigsSlippers · 05/12/2016 17:24

Sorry apologies, I'vevjustbreread you OP and it's notbexplicit whether you've accepted or not. Blush

If you haven't replied, just text back that would be lovely but would you mind if...

PrettySophisticated · 05/12/2016 17:27

I think Worra has it actually. The "problem" is caused by a mixture of playdates starting too young and children having less freedom

When I was a very young child the only houses I would have gone to play at were my mum's friends' kids, so she would have known them well and probably been there too.

By 7-8 yo rather than arranged playdates we would have just gone and knocked for a friend. If I felt uncomfortable in the house, I would come home and not gone back.

myoriginal3 · 05/12/2016 17:29

In my experience I stay for a cuppa for the first play date and then leave. By that time the children have gotten used to each other outside the usual environment and are happy. Usually delighted to see me leave and not so happy to see me return which usually ends in another cuppa to avoid war.

chipsandgin · 05/12/2016 17:33

After reception year I would have been a bit surprised and probably done a bit more housework if a parent wanted to come along on a playdate when their child was invited to my house! Definitely would have wanted to be pre-warned as it seems a bit odd (but would much prefer that than having a freaked out child who didn't want to be there)! If you approach the mum and explain that you don't think your child is ready to go on playdates without you and would it be ok if you came along or perhaps you could all go somewhere together then I'm sure you'll be fine. But in answer to your question I would expect a child in Yr1 to just tag along with us after school and be picked up after supper (6ish seems standard on a school night).

Genuine question DailyMailCrap - how long do you anticipate continuing to chaperone your 8 year old? Do you let her go to long term friends houses or ones where you are friends with the parents? I only ask as my friends and I were talking about how with secondary school sleepovers quite often you literally know nothing about the parents or child and it is a tricky one to navigate. But surely they all start having sleepovers at about 8 years old, what happens then (not wanting to minimise what is a legitimate fear but I can't imagine you'll be turning up on the doorstep for the night with a sleeping bag and a flask of hot chocolate when she goes to sleepovers!!)?

formerbabe · 05/12/2016 17:34

I honestly think it's absolutely fine to send the mum a text saying "it's dds first play date so I'm a little worried she might be slightly nervous, would you mind if i came along for a little bit?"

JigglyTuff · 05/12/2016 17:45

I probably would have dropped them off/stayed for a cup of tea at that age but not any older.

I would have absolutely hated another parent and their toddler staying for ages, sorry. I think you should just say that your DD isn't confident enough for playdates yet, sorry.

DixieWishbone · 05/12/2016 17:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

waterrat · 05/12/2016 17:50

I think really the only answer here comes from the other mum!

I am longing for the day when I don't have to go every time my son has a playdate. I LOVE it when his friends come without parents/ toddlers in tow - it means he is happy playing and I get to get on with making tea/ listen to the radio etc - I am so so over 'playdates' where I have to sit and talk to an adult I barely know for 2hours.

I am a highly sociable person btw! but I still struggle with conversation now that the kids are old enough to run off.

I find it strained to have such a long conversation with a stranger - 20 mins over tea is nice, but the length of a playdate is just too long.

my son is Reception age and he and a friend will now vanish and expect no adult involvement in their play. So really best the other mum doesn't always come - though I totaly understand if they want to visit once.

Tottyandmarchpane1 · 05/12/2016 17:55

Reception - absolutely fine to say would love to come but would you mind if I just popped in for a coffee to make sure she settles then I'll dash off. I bet she'looks invite you to stay anyway. 3rd, 4th etc play date no thanks very much, even parents I really like I don't want to entertain every time my DC have friends round. Dailymail - I'd totally understand the first few times but it would frustrate me after a while and I wouldn't have you as much as other children. Not small minded just a time factor.

Coffeeisnecessary · 05/12/2016 18:06

It's common sense though surely?! If it's a group of teenage looking people and the one who has an ID is just over 18 so there is reasonable doubt about the fact that the others may be drinking it underage then fine- don't sell it. But middle aged people buying some wine to consume in their own homes who happen to be with their teenage children at the time of purchase?! I feel like the world has gone mad reading some of this thread!

myoriginal3 · 05/12/2016 18:09

Have another coffee pet.

Original poster
BB2000 · 05/12/2016 19:28

Thanks everyone for all the replies. Really great to have all your views. I spoke to DD and although hugely excited about being invited there is no way she will go by herself. So will have to phone the mum and see what she says.

Whether that means staying for a cup of tea while they play and then leaving with or without DD if she is happy to stay (I doubt it given how overwhelmingly shy/anxious she can be) or staying longer. But I fully appreciate that the mum would probably hate having me and the DS there for the whole thing.

DD has really struggled with shyness/making friends at school and finally in Y1 seems to be doing much better. So I'm very keen for this not to go wrong - either by upsetting the mum or by getting it wrong, leaving DD solo and it destroying the confidence she has just started to build up.

Also find it interesting, as a newbie to the whole school playdate thing, how people have such different views on leaving young children with unknown parents. If my DD was more confident - I still don't know how I'd feel sending her round to their house as I don't know them at all.

Thanks again everyone

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 05/12/2016 19:34

Why don't you invite children over to your house first, op?

Original poster
BB2000 · 05/12/2016 19:39

Yes I should do floggingmolly. Did do so in Reception and it went pretty badly tbh. So have kept it to 'easier' options like meet ups in the park etc.
But now is probably the time to revisit this.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 05/12/2016 19:44

"But I fully appreciate that the mum would probably hate having me and the DS there for the whole thing."

Why do you think that? I much prefer it when the other mum stays. She may resent it or may like it.

DailyMailCrap · 05/12/2016 21:49

chipsandgin

Dsd has had sleepovers already for school. She has 3 really good friends who would invite her over for sleepovers, usually on a Saturday night so the mums make a night of it too. Similarly when she has sleepover parties here all the mums stay over too. I've never had to explain my reasoning for my staying either - parents staying over at sleepovers is just the done thing here. I didn't realise it was weird - guess it's a good thing all 5 mums bonded over gin first then!

I've never thought about how long I'd do it. I'd probably let the kids guide us there. Right now they love having us over but they prob won't as they get older. There's also my friend (dsd's mum) to consider - I don't think she'll ever be happy to let her go alone. Not thinking about it right now.

DailyMailCrap · 05/12/2016 21:53

Tottyandmarchpane1 Each to their own I guess. I'm lucky that dsd's friends mum are mine now too & really understanding. I have them and all their kids over too, really spoil them, so that prob has some bearing about why it's not been an issue.

cheekyfunkymonkey · 05/12/2016 22:03

I'd go. I would want to check out the parents and how safe their house was etc at the very least. If that makes me weird so be it. I would need to meet and trust the parents before leaving DD with them.