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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell FIL

53 replies

Maxwellthecat · 05/12/2016 14:56

So recently my FIL has been hinting that he wants us to hurry on up and get to having grandbabys for him as quickly as possible.
My DH is an only child and his parents have been super supportive financially if a little (very very) overbearing.
Recently my FIL has been making hints about us having children, for example in a family Facebook group about a cousins wedding arrangements he said 'weddings, weddings, weddings, when will we have a christening?' To which I replied 'feel free to have a Druid naming ceremony for one of our cats whenever you like' to which I got no reply.
Then last night they gave us a Christmas decoration which was a mini fireplace with stockings hanging off it, FIL had very kindly written our names on the stockings and it is very sweet, he'd done one for me, my DH, the cats and left one blank 'for room for expansion in the family wink' I replied, 'that's funny we have been discussing getting a dog' and he laughed and said 'you know that's not what I mean'.

the thing is me and DH don't even know if we want kids, and we certainly won't be having them soon. I know that DH is there only chance for grandchildren and it makes me feel so guilty but I have a lovely life as it is and don't want a baby. Am I being unreasonable to just not say anything to FIL about it or should I tell him we aren't trying, I don't want to keep his hopes up but also fuck off out my fucking womb!

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 05/12/2016 14:59

Just tell him the comments are out of order and you want him to stop. I hate it when people act like this. I can't believe he bought you a blank stocking ready for a child.

Stormwhale · 05/12/2016 15:03

Their want for grandchildren should have absolutely no impact on your decision to have a child. I would keep your feelings about children to yourself as you will just be opening up to a ton of guilt tripping. Just deflect the questions and change the subject.

WarwickDavisAsPlates · 05/12/2016 15:07

My mil used to be like this about us having a second child. It drove me mad.

I think if they say anything about it again you could just say "that's not something we have discussed yet" or "we will do it if/ when we are ready and not before"

It's certainly a lot more polite than what I said to MIL.

Original poster
Maxwellthecat · 05/12/2016 15:22

I thought he'd get the hints with my jokey replies to be honest but he's only got worse.
I know their want for a grandchild shouldn't affect me but it does because I love them and I know they'd be amazing grandparents.
BUT I'm not going to have a baby soon because that would be the worst reason for having a baby EVER. Also he doesn't know that we aren't trying, I could be sobbing my heart out every month!

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 05/12/2016 15:29

I'd tell him that you aren't having any. Ever. Then if you do eventually, it will be a lovely surprise.

My dad held his tongue for decades and when I finally produced DD (after years and two marriages) he finally admitted it was all he wanted. She will be his only GC and he's obsessed. But he never let on! He was told I wasn't having any as well.

Footinmouthasusual · 05/12/2016 15:32

Tell your dh to have a word. It's a bit yukky really that he's so invested in your sex life.

ThisThingCalledLife · 05/12/2016 15:33

just put him out of his misery - tell him you're not having any dc in the very near future.

Then suggest he focuses on his bucket list....i'm sure there must be plenty he still wants to experience?
Perhaps a round the world travelling trip?

StefCWS · 05/12/2016 15:35

Aw bless him, just tell we aren't sure if we want any. Defo don't tell him your trying as all the comments of "ooh its taking a while, is there something wrong" will start

Original poster
Maxwellthecat · 05/12/2016 15:38

Oh I'd never lie and say we were trying if we weren't but it just doesn't seem to be any of their business if we aren't. We have actually said that we aren't ready for children but I think he lives in hope.

OP posts:
Pineappletastic · 05/12/2016 15:42

My (step)FIL got a bit like this when we'd been married a year (background - no kids of his own, met MIL when DH(37) and SIL(35) were teens, SIL also married, no kids at time).

I don't really have any advice, I took to telling him I didn't need frequently reminding of the failings of my uterus. I think if I'd not been trying at the time I'd have told him that if he wants a baby he should adopt one, because I wasn't having one for him (but I'm pretty hard faced about this sort of stuff).

Original poster
Maxwellthecat · 05/12/2016 15:46

If he just asked me directly I wouldn't mind as much, it's the half jokes that get to me as I feel on the defensive by them.
My family are really direct and I am used to that. Also he doesn't say it to my DH just to me and I don't feel like I can tell him to fuck off the way I would a member of my side of the family.

OP posts:
livefornaps · 05/12/2016 15:47

People can be so insensitive and it makes me so mad!

As you say, for all he knows you could have been trying this whole time and feeling really upset by his remarks.

And what if you do try in future and it doesn't work - are you therefore a failure?!

People putting pressure on you to have kids is so so unreasonable and inappropriate!

Given that he's continued with his comments despite your hints, get your husband to sit him down and explain politely but firmly that it has to stop. If you are ever pregnant he'll be the first to know. I wouldn't even ever tell him if you start trying, he'll pile on the pressure again and it'll be a complete nightmare.

In the meantime, enjoy your life and your marriage. Too many people look to add meaning to their lives by the very act of having kids

talksensetome · 05/12/2016 16:01

I would just say we are unable to have kids as DH has a low sperm count. that will shut him up and then if you do have one eventually he will be pleasantly surprised.

SapphireStrange · 05/12/2016 16:02

'Can you stop with the little jokes and comments about babies, FIL? I'm tired of them.'

Block him on FB if he keeps doing it. In person, raise an eyebrow, say 'I asked you to stop' and change the subject.

I fucking hate this and you're right; it's very insensitive –he doesn't know if you're trying to conceive, or, on the flipside, if you have terrible problems or trauma in your background that means you really don't want them.

I don't understand this thing about people begging for grandchildren. Why does other people's family planning suddenly become their business?

MNRandom · 05/12/2016 16:04

I had this in reverse with my family inlaws. They badgered DH saying he was 'too old' (late 30's) and the seeds planted. We never had children and I bitterly regret it!!!

Have children in your own time, for your own reasons.

EweAreHere · 05/12/2016 16:05

Your DH needs to have a word and shut him down. It's not cute. It's not funny. It's pushy, invasive and showing a complete lack of boundaries.

DH needs to tell him to stop.

MNRandom · 05/12/2016 16:05

I would have loved inlaws dropping positive hints! Would have made all the difference to dh's decision.

PurpleDaisies · 05/12/2016 16:07

I would have loved inlaws dropping positive hints! Would have made all the difference to dh's decision.

With the greatest of respect you can't know that. Your husband is a grown up. If he'd really wanted kids he'd have ignored his parents.

Trifleorbust · 05/12/2016 16:07

He is out of order to keep hinting and asking; not only is it your own very private business but he doesn't know you're not trying and struggling to conceive. Very insensitive.

"FIL, I would really appreciate it if you could stop talking about babies. We haven't made any decisions about this at the moment and I would prefer us to have some space to think about what we want."

amusedbush · 05/12/2016 16:13

Ugh, my MIL is like this. I feel like telling her there's no room for a baby with her camped out in my uterus!

She knows that we don't want children at all and is mortally offended by this. She has stopped commenting in front of me but DH tells me that she still makes sniffy comments when he visits alone.

Tenshidarkangel · 05/12/2016 16:19

I'm not even married yet, only been with DP for 6 months and already get the not so subtle winks, nods and suggestions. Hmm

Radbadsad · 05/12/2016 16:21

I'm an only child and used to get comments like this from my parents until one day i snapped and said that if they'd wanted to up the chance of having grandchildren they should have had more children themselves and not put all their eggs in one basket. Cruel I know but it shut them up.

Lireal · 05/12/2016 16:25

My mother is like this. Started during our wedding planning and hasn't stopped. She even wondered when we would be having a third when whe visited newborn ds2. She actually does do it to piss me off. She badgers everyone in the family about life events, because she doesn't have her own life.
Get your dh to have a word.
Or burst into tears and dramatically wail 'I wish I could have my own children!'

CaveMum · 05/12/2016 16:25

While we were in the midst of fertility troubles MIL loudly announced at a family Christmas dinner "I don't know if I'll ever get grandchildren."

Granted we hadn't told anyone we were TTC (why would we?!) but it took all of my strength not to rise to the bait, and a lot of sobbing on DH after we got home.

Whether or not you want/have children is no ones business but your own.

Lottapianos · 05/12/2016 16:36

Dear god OP, your FIL is being seriously out of order. Even my MIL who is the absolute queen of guilt trips has never mentioned babies once. Like others have said, he has no idea what the two of you are planning regarding babies, and his comments could be extremely hurtful for the pair of you.

It is absolutely no-one else's business what you are planning to do with your uterus. You do not owe him or anyone else any babies. Be as blunt as you like, or get DH to do it, but he needs to be told to pack it in immediately. FIL is lucky that you haven't exploded at him by now. His behaviour is outrageous

I recommend the childfree life very highly by the way, so please don't feel under any pressure to change your mind if you do feel that parenthood is not for you Smile