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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not tell FIL

53 replies

Maxwellthecat · 05/12/2016 14:56

So recently my FIL has been hinting that he wants us to hurry on up and get to having grandbabys for him as quickly as possible.
My DH is an only child and his parents have been super supportive financially if a little (very very) overbearing.
Recently my FIL has been making hints about us having children, for example in a family Facebook group about a cousins wedding arrangements he said 'weddings, weddings, weddings, when will we have a christening?' To which I replied 'feel free to have a Druid naming ceremony for one of our cats whenever you like' to which I got no reply.
Then last night they gave us a Christmas decoration which was a mini fireplace with stockings hanging off it, FIL had very kindly written our names on the stockings and it is very sweet, he'd done one for me, my DH, the cats and left one blank 'for room for expansion in the family wink' I replied, 'that's funny we have been discussing getting a dog' and he laughed and said 'you know that's not what I mean'.

the thing is me and DH don't even know if we want kids, and we certainly won't be having them soon. I know that DH is there only chance for grandchildren and it makes me feel so guilty but I have a lovely life as it is and don't want a baby. Am I being unreasonable to just not say anything to FIL about it or should I tell him we aren't trying, I don't want to keep his hopes up but also fuck off out my fucking womb!

OP posts:

Verbena37 · 05/12/2016 16:42

I'd also get your DH to speak to him.....assuming your DH knows that you don't want a baby?
I have never understood why grandparents go on ndcholdren so much. We had our two because we wanted to but I would never dream of telling them I expect grandchildren. That's up to them.

Perhaps it's because they only have one child and maybe would have liked more that they harp on about it so much? Maybe grandchildren will, to them, be more like them having more of their own children......which obviously is weird but understandable.

Original poster

Maxwellthecat · 05/12/2016 16:45

Yes my DH and I regularly discuss our desires for the future re children etc and we're very much on the same page.
I think you're right Verbena they're open about the fact they wanted more but it wasn't to be.

OP posts:

Tuktuktaker · 05/12/2016 16:47

The day after we got married, my father-in-law asked when he could expect his grandson. The misery was compounded as a) I was old to have my first child (35) and more importantly b) had been told by a Very Important Gynaecologist that I probably couldn't have children, much as I wanted them. (Husband was aware of this.) Husband was dispatched to tell him to STFU advised this conversation was not on.

Original poster

Maxwellthecat · 05/12/2016 17:02

its weird because the family line is always that they just want us to be happy but then these little comments have been coming out. Going to have to get DH to put a stop to it. DH is not the most tactful person in the world so might have to tell him not to bring it up over Christmas dinner and bite my tongue until Christmas is over.

OP posts:

Verbena37 · 05/12/2016 17:09

Could you have a girly chat with your MIL and explain the situation and get her to chat to FIL about it?

Cherrysoup · 05/12/2016 17:12

My DM used to do that until I told her it was none of her fucking business to ask such personal questions.

ohfourfoxache · 05/12/2016 17:20

Had the same with my fil within about 3 weeks of (now) dh and I going out.

I was 17.

Dh had a stern word. He hasn't brought it up hated me since. Mil has though- but then she always has been as thick as mince.

Original poster

Maxwellthecat · 05/12/2016 17:21

cherrysoup if it was my mother I'd tell her to fuck off too but for some reason I don't feel I can with my inlaws, totally different dynamic. They don't do direct.

OP posts:

ohfourfoxache · 05/12/2016 17:47

I think he's taking advantage of the dynamic then - he's relying on you not saying anything.

This does have to stop- can your dh have a word?

MNRandom · 05/12/2016 19:23

With all due respect PurpleDaises don't patronise me.

Obviously there is a massive back story of which I'm not prepared to overshare.

DinosaursRoar · 05/12/2016 20:27

ask DH to call his dad and have a chat about it before Christmas. Don't let him say that you don't want children though, because then your FIL may be on a mission to change your mind.

Better to say that hints about babies are upsetting as it's as if he's suggesting you are 'failing' as a daughter-in-law by not being pregnant yet. That you don't want to feel like a 'watched pot' and could he stop it, if you have news, he (and MIL) will be the first to know. Until then, can he just enjoy the family he's got, rather than constantly making you feel like it's not enough.

(The above approach might lead them to think you are unable to have DCs and are trying, but as long as you don't straight out lie, let them think that as long as it leads to them leaving you alone).

Original poster

Maxwellthecat · 05/12/2016 20:30

That's good advice dinosaur, I DO feel like a watched pot.

It also makes me a bit uneasy that if we do have children they'll think they are 'our' children rather than mine and dh's.

OP posts:

DinosaursRoar · 05/12/2016 21:35

Little steps - get him to back off. A word you are feeling like a 'failure' might be enough to stop him.

They might well get overexcited with a baby should you have one, but there's time to worry about that if you're not even trying now!

SapphireStrange · 06/12/2016 12:57

Don't let him say that you don't want children though, because then your FIL may be on a mission to change your mind.

Then he can be told to fuck off with his mission! Seriously, when people are so insensitive what's the point of worrying about telling them things in the 'right' way?

OliviaBensonOnAGoodDay · 06/12/2016 13:02

My mum is like this, I cannot stand it. Watching for tips with interest!

DinosaursRoar · 06/12/2016 13:44

Sapphire - because he might not say anything direct enough to tell him to fuck off, if it just becomes a conserted effort of tales of other people's children/grandchildren, makign sure any family babies (like cousins DCs etc) are handed to the OP with "suits you!" comments, lots of tales from DH's childhood etc... it doesn't need to be "you should have DC" but lots of pointed stories that are clearly about changing your mind. Not worth opening up that as an option - the OP wants her FIL to stop talking about babies all the time, not encourage him!

(Plus if you take a 'no children' stanse when it's not definate that you are going to remain child-free, then when you do announce you'll get irritating comments about you growing up, how they knew you'd change your mind, the child-free years being seen as you being silly.. stopping it all together makes more sense if an easy life is whats wanted)

SapphireStrange · 06/12/2016 14:02

Point taken, Dinosaurs. But I think DH should in that case say 'Stop talking about wanting grandchildren; it's not your business' rather than giving any details at all about when/whether he and the OP want them.

Starypjs · 06/12/2016 14:26

My Mil very kindly bought us a second hand cot for our first wedding anniversary. 13 yrs later we still don't need one (and won't need one)

Original poster

Maxwellthecat · 06/12/2016 14:34

My jaw just hit the floor star

OP posts:

Footinmouthasusual · 06/12/2016 14:37

It's truly bizarre isn't it?

We had 4 kids because we wanted them.

We have 1 dgs because my son and dil wanted a kid. I neither know nor care if any more of my children want children. If they do fine and if they don't equally fine.

It's bizarre to try and control or encourage or discourage other people procriating. It's a personal choice not a family aim or plan.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 06/12/2016 15:03

Your FIL and MIL had DH dependent on them for years and now they have time and money to baby the next generation.
Sometimes it's also the "carrying on the family name" thing but mainly the empty nest that makes parents so keen to become grandparents.

I'd be hacked off too but apart from, "Please don't keep on, you'll be the first to know if we have news" (white lie, tell whom you want in whichever order), I don't know what I'd say.

Don't feel bad for deciding your own life.

Original poster

Maxwellthecat · 06/12/2016 15:26

I have a feeling that if DH said anything to him he would say it was a joke or deny saying anything.
When me and DH first got together he 'jokingly' sent him articles about gold diggers and now denies it (my DH is not even rich, and if I was going to be a gold digger I'd be marrying some old billionaire not my DH who earns only slightly more than me).
Then before our wedding he took me to one side and asked me if my side of the family would 'behave themselves', this was in reference to the fact my parents are divorced. You can only imagine my glee when there was a punch up on his side of the family. He completely denies he said anything now and even accused me of making it up

It drives me mad!!

OP posts:

SapphireStrange · 06/12/2016 15:28

God, he sounds like a solid gold cunt going by these new details.

Response to 'it was a joke' is a stony face/flat voice and 'It is not funny. Stop it.'

Response to denial is 'Don't be silly. We both know you've said these things. Pack it in.'

I have ZERO sense of humour when it comes to fuckery like this.

Lottapianos · 06/12/2016 15:35

'He completely denies he said anything now and even accused me of making it up

He sounds like a manipulative, gas-lighting weirdo to me. Seriously awful. I feel for you OP. I like Sapphire's suggestions of stony faced responses. He's a bully and needs challenging.

Original poster

Maxwellthecat · 06/12/2016 15:37

Yeah I wasn't going to add those details because I thought they were too outing but I just needed to vent.

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