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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be utterly fed up and seriously considering doing a runner?

77 replies

MelAncoly · 05/12/2016 14:04

Been married less than a year so this is so hard. I'm not sure I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Our sex life is boring, he's never in the mood and when we do have sex it feels like he's doing it out of duty. There is never any passion or urgency about it. Just going through the motions.
We both work full time yet he insists he does more hours than me. How I don't know - if you take past two weeks as an example I worked mon, tues, wed, fri, sat, sun. He worked mon to Thursday and half day Friday. We had all weekend off and this week he gets all Friday off too. I spend my days off doing housework, he plays games. I'm exhausted and he doesn't seem to care.
Yesterday I was working but managed to come home for a few hours during shift. He didn't seem bothered, made no effort to sit with me or even talk to me. I was sat here for two hours before deciding I was bored and may as well go back to work.
On an evening we just sit watching whatever he has put on TV. I'm not a telly watcher so have no preference to what we watch to be fair but he never wants to DO anything. We could go for a walk to the local, take dog for walk - god forbid we could actually chat to each other but no, he just wants to watch TV.
Weekends are mind numbing. Saturday (if I'm off!) is spent with him on computer. Me wandering around bored. Again he never wants to actually go out and do anything. I'm in the process of changing my job so I don't work weekends but I'm starting to think "why?? I'll only be bored to death if I stay home!".
I'm always left second guessing his moods, like over the weekend he was really off with me, every time I tried to make conversation I got one word answers back. He insists he was not in a mood. He clearly was and I have no idea why.

I hate my job and I'm starting to really hate my life. I daydream if doing a runner a those day dreams are becoming more detailed as the weeks pass.

I'm 35 btw, he's 45.

OP posts:
allegretto · 05/12/2016 14:06

Did you live together before getting married? Was it always like this?

wizzywig · 05/12/2016 14:06

Was he like this before marriage?

mortificado · 05/12/2016 14:07

I'm not help sorry. But I could of wrote this post myself.
Hell, we could do a runner together!
Not helpful

Inthenick · 05/12/2016 14:07

Was he like this before? You sound very incompatible to be honest. You're only married a year, surely you knew who you were marrying?

SortAllTheThings · 05/12/2016 14:13

Are there any positives to the relationship? Do you love him? Do you look forward to seeing him?

What does he say if you bring up the things you're unhappy about?

my ex was like this. Never really wanted to do anything. Was happy playing computer games. I ended up spending night after night on my own after doing everything with the kids during the day. I had a chance to get out about a year into the relationship and I wish that I'd bloody legged it then. :(

Fuck him. You've only been married less than a year, he makes zero effort, you try and spend time with him and he's not bothered.

Sounds like you're bored out of your mind. Don't waste your life on this man.

Original poster
MelAncoly · 05/12/2016 14:13

I really don't know. I don't know if it's me or him.

When we first got together he was so much fun, wanted to be out every weekend with me, sex was good and frequent, we talked lots and wanted to spend time together. Naturally the buzz wore away after a while as you would expect it to to an extent but now it really is rock bottom.
He only ever wants to do anything if it's something HES into. For instance I've been asking for weeks now if we can go to cinema. Always an excuse "can't afford it, too tired, too busy" etc yet in Friday I got a text from him asking if I'd go to a stone roses thing with him that night. I said no. I'd been at work all day, he hadn't and again it was something HE wanted to do.

Last month we went to see a band and I agreed as long as we could go somewhere quiet first so we could enjoy a drink together and chat. We got there, sat in a corner - looked around us, awkwardly looked at each other, drank our drinks, looked at our phones ... then he asked what time our friends would be arriving. We can't even talk to each other in a situation we have engineered to do just that!

OP posts:
Hellmouth · 05/12/2016 14:13

Seriously, how long were you together before you got married? Did you live together before getting married? It sounds like he thinks that because he's "got" you, he doesn't need to make any effort anymore

Myrobalanna · 05/12/2016 14:16

There's no shame in accepting that it's not a good marriage - no kids, no mortgage? Time to break it off?

ChicRock · 05/12/2016 14:19

The one positive in this relationship that I can see is that there's no mention of children in your posts.

So cut your losses and run now.

Original poster
MelAncoly · 05/12/2016 14:20

I do love him, but I'm getting tired of trying.
Every time we talk about stuff and I bring these things up he either says it isn't true or he agrees to change it - it never happens. He has annual leave to take before Christmas she he's booked every Friday off work. Not once did it occur to him to find out my days off so we can spend time together (when he knows how few and far between my days off are!). I really do try, on the rare occasion that we have a day off together I suggest things to do and he makes excuses or agrees but makes it obvious he'd rather not.

Sometimes we're lucky enough to get a weekend child free - in the house on our own, I try an initiate a bit of intimacy but no, he'd rather do the housework or "catch up with eBay" etc.

Yes I do love him and it would kill me to leave him but I can't go on like this. I feel utterly unwanted.

OP posts:
Original poster
MelAncoly · 05/12/2016 14:21

No kids together but we do have a joint mortgage.

OP posts:
maddening · 05/12/2016 14:23

How many children do you have and whose are they?

Original poster
MelAncoly · 05/12/2016 14:27

We were together 4 years before we got married. In all honesty it has been on a slow decline for past couple of years but it was never this bad. I'm not even looking forward to the stuff I used to look forward to anymore.
We're going on a night out on Friday (I had to request it!) and I'm not really looking forward to it because 1) we don't seem able to talk lately so we'll just be sat there feeling awkward
2) He gets argumentative after a drink so chances are I'll be on egg shells all night not wanting to set him off

Even next years holidays I don't really seem to be looking forward to. We've ended up arguining on every holiday we've ever been on.

OP posts:
baconandeggies · 05/12/2016 14:36

argumentative - have you lost respect and love for him?

Racerback · 05/12/2016 14:36

Yes I do love him and it would kill me to leave him

No you don't. And no it wouldn't.

Serin · 05/12/2016 14:37

Tell him how you feel, you can't live another 50 years like this.

baconandeggies · 05/12/2016 14:38

So moody, argumentative, selfish, uninterested... Why do you love him? Do you think he loves you?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 05/12/2016 14:41

Sounds like shit, tbh.
He's settled into the "pipe and slippers" middle-aged routine, and you're not ready for it.

If you've nothing to say to each other, sex is shit and you honestly prefer to stay out of the house rather than be in it with him because he's not taking any notice of you, then really, what IS the point?

You might think you love him, but sounds like it's more of a habit that you're scared to break. Might have to be brave and put this marriage out of its misery before you both genuinely start to hate each other. :(

previously1474907171 · 05/12/2016 14:42

Time to call it a day, really. It won't get any better and at least you are young enough to make a fresh start.

Don't get into a situation where you are unable to leave, please. It is soul destroying living like that, and if it continues you might eventually end up with no friends because he will drive them away with his miserable existence, and dread the weekends and evenings. Eventually it gets to a stage where there seems to be no point in struggling on, and you just give up. Don't let that happen.

shovetheholly · 05/12/2016 14:45

I cannot for the life of me see why you are staying in this relationship. It sounds horrendous and life-sapping. When you would prefer to be at work than spending time with your partner, things are pretty bad.

There is nothing wrong with walking away from a relationship that isn't working. You've given it a chance, it hasn't improved. At this point, you're just wasting your future on a guy who clearly doesn't match your aspirations or needs.

blueistheonlycolourwefeel · 05/12/2016 14:45

Sounds exactly like my exH. He always wanted to do what he wanted, was never interested in things I wanted to do, moaned I spent too much money despite being left to pick up the cost of child care and food alone, sex was crap, he couldn't look after our small child for more than half an hour without help....
I got sick of it and left him.
Much happier!!!

wotoodoo · 05/12/2016 14:47

Why do you do all the housework? Are you nuts?

Why do you put up with someone you have to tread on eggshells to be around and is nasty to you?

Where are your boundaries and why are they so low?

Why have you turned into a doormat?

Honestly op get rid and get out and find your true fun side again!!

JugglingFromHereToThere · 05/12/2016 14:57

I think you should cut your losses and break free!

Original poster
MelAncoly · 05/12/2016 14:58

I know I don't love him like I used to. I want to but it's hard when you feel constantly rejected and unwanted.

I feel like I've chased him for so long I've worn myself out on him. He's never been as into me as I was into him, I know that. Although he denies it.

I don't know if he loves me. He doesn't even kiss me properly. He kisses me in the way I used to kiss my ex when I knew I didn't love him

OP posts:
wotoodoo · 05/12/2016 15:01

Great op, you know he's not into you anymore so you are really lucky!

Update us when you've left him please :)