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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be utterly fed up and seriously considering doing a runner?

77 replies

MelAncoly · 05/12/2016 14:04

Been married less than a year so this is so hard. I'm not sure I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Our sex life is boring, he's never in the mood and when we do have sex it feels like he's doing it out of duty. There is never any passion or urgency about it. Just going through the motions.
We both work full time yet he insists he does more hours than me. How I don't know - if you take past two weeks as an example I worked mon, tues, wed, fri, sat, sun. He worked mon to Thursday and half day Friday. We had all weekend off and this week he gets all Friday off too. I spend my days off doing housework, he plays games. I'm exhausted and he doesn't seem to care.
Yesterday I was working but managed to come home for a few hours during shift. He didn't seem bothered, made no effort to sit with me or even talk to me. I was sat here for two hours before deciding I was bored and may as well go back to work.
On an evening we just sit watching whatever he has put on TV. I'm not a telly watcher so have no preference to what we watch to be fair but he never wants to DO anything. We could go for a walk to the local, take dog for walk - god forbid we could actually chat to each other but no, he just wants to watch TV.
Weekends are mind numbing. Saturday (if I'm off!) is spent with him on computer. Me wandering around bored. Again he never wants to actually go out and do anything. I'm in the process of changing my job so I don't work weekends but I'm starting to think "why?? I'll only be bored to death if I stay home!".
I'm always left second guessing his moods, like over the weekend he was really off with me, every time I tried to make conversation I got one word answers back. He insists he was not in a mood. He clearly was and I have no idea why.

I hate my job and I'm starting to really hate my life. I daydream if doing a runner a those day dreams are becoming more detailed as the weeks pass.

I'm 35 btw, he's 45.

OP posts:
SortAllTheThings · 05/12/2016 15:02

I spent years with a man like this. Wasted so much time on a man who just wanted to live in a cave playing computer games. No urge to spend time with me or do anything interesting. Even on holiday he would pretty much please himself.

Don't do what I did. Don't waste your precious time.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 05/12/2016 15:04

Come on, you know the answer here!
Just kill it now. The death throes are painful - swift chop and all over.

Tell him - go and find him and say "I'm not happy, you don't love me, I don't love you, we should get a divorce" and see what happens. Bet he agrees.

SENPARENT · 05/12/2016 15:04

Time to go. You can't spend the rest of your life like this.

Original poster
MelAncoly · 05/12/2016 15:07

My dream was to grow old with this man.

I'm now starting to see that growing old with him might mean a lifetime of boredom and depression.

I have a daydream of buying a crappy old Victorian house on my own and doing it up as a project. Maybe casual relationships, on my terms. Freedom to do what I want to do in my old "needs substantial improvements" house. No more worrying about why he's in a mood or why he hasn't wanted sex for the past month or why he's booking every Friday off work when he knows I'm going to be working ... no more waiting around on a weekend for him to want to spend time with me

OP posts:
Original poster
MelAncoly · 05/12/2016 15:08

When I've suggested separating in the past he's said no.

OP posts:
StillSmallVoice · 05/12/2016 15:08

Wish I'd done a runner six months into my first marriage (when I knew it was all wrong). Go while you can. Don't look back.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 05/12/2016 15:08

He loves you a bit, but not enough?

SortAllTheThings · 05/12/2016 15:10

You don't need his permission to separate from him!

Fontella · 05/12/2016 15:12

Well it's not going to get any better is it love?

You can call it quits and get out now, or have several more years of this.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 05/12/2016 15:12

Just what I thought Sort!

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/12/2016 15:17

I divorced my first husband. Great decision. It wasn't making either of us happy. And that's the level. Is this making you happy? No? And no children to consider? Get rid.

RainbowJack · 05/12/2016 15:17

You don't need to psychoanalyse everything.

If it's not working for you. Break up with him.

Staying married isn't mandatory you know.

previously1474907171 · 05/12/2016 15:21

Go with your dream, get the house. Don't suggest separation as if it is a choice for him, tell him it is happening and why.

I wish I had done it years ago. Living with someone who is so self absorbed that he won't speak is soul destroying. It might improve for a few days but it won't change long term.

BitOutOfPractice · 05/12/2016 15:22

Why on earth did you marry him?!

This relationship is clearly dead in the water

ICanTuckMyBoobsInMyPockets · 05/12/2016 15:26

I can not see any reason to stay with this man.

You are young.

Delegate. You don't need to 'suggest' it, you just tell him that's what's happening.

He may act shocked, but you've tried. There is no reason to try any longer or harder, you just don't want to.

And that's ok.

Lorelei76 · 05/12/2016 15:29

don't understand the question!!

of course you should leave.

candybar007 · 05/12/2016 15:33

Sorry but it sounds like he is unhappy and has checked out of the relationship, don`t waste your life with him.

Bonywasawarriorwayayix · 05/12/2016 15:33

You mentioned rare child-free weekends, so his DCs?

Aside from maybe pride and misplaced loyalty to your H, what's stopping you from leaving him? He clearly doesn't care.

Laiste · 05/12/2016 15:33
  1. It's not going to get any better.
  1. You can leave now or leave later or wait for him to leave you.
  1. You don't need his permission to go.

I did a runner. I dithered for15 years. Don't be like me.

JoeyJoeJoeJuniorShabadu · 05/12/2016 15:33

ah. you chased him.
always a bad move.
no, he doesn't love you.
i'd bail if i were you.

WeiAnMeokEo · 05/12/2016 15:51

oh I'm sorry. It sounds bloody soul-destroying. You must be emotionally (and physically by the sound of your shifts!) knackered.

Drop him. Get the house. Take lovers. Do things that make your heart sing. For life is short.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 05/12/2016 15:57

He said 'no' to separating? That's fine - go for a divorce. He doesn't get to decide and, if one person in a relationship wants out then the relationship is over.

You're free to have a life and you want different things so you can't have the life you want if you stay with him. Compatibility is under-rated and it's so, so important. It's everything in a relationship actually, in my opinion.

Divorce and find your bliss. It's not with this man. A year is long enough to know whether or not you have the spark and clearly it's not there.

Here's to 2017 being the start of something better for you - freedom!

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/12/2016 15:59

It takes two people to marry but only one to separate.

FlouncedBack · 05/12/2016 16:08

I would concentrate on the life you want - that dilapidated victorian house etc and make positive plans to take the 1st steps towards it. Thinking about leaving a marriage can fill all available headspace and before you know it the years have slipped by.

GoofyTheHero · 05/12/2016 16:15

How old are the children?

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