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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be utterly fed up and seriously considering doing a runner?

77 replies

MelAncoly · 05/12/2016 14:04

Been married less than a year so this is so hard. I'm not sure I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Our sex life is boring, he's never in the mood and when we do have sex it feels like he's doing it out of duty. There is never any passion or urgency about it. Just going through the motions.
We both work full time yet he insists he does more hours than me. How I don't know - if you take past two weeks as an example I worked mon, tues, wed, fri, sat, sun. He worked mon to Thursday and half day Friday. We had all weekend off and this week he gets all Friday off too. I spend my days off doing housework, he plays games. I'm exhausted and he doesn't seem to care.
Yesterday I was working but managed to come home for a few hours during shift. He didn't seem bothered, made no effort to sit with me or even talk to me. I was sat here for two hours before deciding I was bored and may as well go back to work.
On an evening we just sit watching whatever he has put on TV. I'm not a telly watcher so have no preference to what we watch to be fair but he never wants to DO anything. We could go for a walk to the local, take dog for walk - god forbid we could actually chat to each other but no, he just wants to watch TV.
Weekends are mind numbing. Saturday (if I'm off!) is spent with him on computer. Me wandering around bored. Again he never wants to actually go out and do anything. I'm in the process of changing my job so I don't work weekends but I'm starting to think "why?? I'll only be bored to death if I stay home!".
I'm always left second guessing his moods, like over the weekend he was really off with me, every time I tried to make conversation I got one word answers back. He insists he was not in a mood. He clearly was and I have no idea why.

I hate my job and I'm starting to really hate my life. I daydream if doing a runner a those day dreams are becoming more detailed as the weeks pass.

I'm 35 btw, he's 45.

OP posts:
Original poster
MelAncoly · 05/12/2016 16:19

The children are 18 and 16. They are mine from previous relationship.

OP posts:
eyespydreams · 05/12/2016 16:19

You are actually in a better position than tons of people because you have a dream, and that dream is extremely attainable! I don't know where you are but UK and Ireland LITTERED with Victorian houses and cottages and terraces and castles (according to budget Grin) needing restored.

Very helpful in this situation is to wonder what you'll think of your life when you look back in fifteen years time. Imagine saying to your lovely group of friends as you sit in the kitchen of your beautiful Victorian house 'yeah, I was married briefly, but it didn't work out, which is just as well'. OR, still angry, sad, and by this stage extremely resentful of the life you could have had?

Just because you love someone doesn't mean they're right for you. If so there would be no music industry (esp. e.g. Country and Western).

Ohyesiam · 05/12/2016 16:28

This sound do painful and exhausting.
Concentrate on your dreams, imagine the life you want, and if it help s you to focus, imagine the next 40 years with your dh and see how it makes you feel.
It sounds as if he is being a bit cowardly to me, he is obviously emotionally long gone, but hasn't got what it takes to get behind himself be honest with you.

As others have said, you don't need his permission to leave, get out there and have the life you want before all your soul is sucked out of you.

Blobby10 · 05/12/2016 16:30

Sounds like my husband and me before we split up - the difference was that we had been married 20 years and had 3 children!! You are way too young to be going through this - I think you should split up.

YelloDraw · 05/12/2016 16:34

Life is too short to stay with someone who isn't compatible.

OohhThatsMe · 05/12/2016 16:34

What are your finances like, OP? Do your children live with him? You don't mention them much. Personally, if I had the money, I would leave him.

CozumelFox · 05/12/2016 16:38

35! You're so ucky - young, no kids with him, nothing tying you down to a sulking, angry man who doesn't even look at you!

Write him off as the disaster he is, ask yourself 'what was I thinking?' and maybe even consider some counselling - exploring why you chose this loser and hopefully identifying how you can avoid doing so again.

CozumelFox · 05/12/2016 16:39

lucky!

kidssmilesarethebest · 05/12/2016 16:46

He doesn't even kiss me properly. He kisses me in the way I used to kiss my ex when I knew I didn't love him

There you go, your answer is right there.

Original poster
MelAncoly · 05/12/2016 16:48

Yes children live with us but eldest is hoping to go to university next year.

You know, lately I've been getting an inclin that something more is going on with DH anyway. Last week he was home late from work twice (exactly 2 hours late each time) which is totally out of the ordinary. If ever he is late leaving, he makes sure he claims the time back whereas this time, he hasn't mentioned time owing (as I said, he's still using up annual leave).

He's home late again tonight, again with no text or phone call. Is it really bad that I'm kind of hoping he IS having an affair? It would make everything so much easier. It would also explain why he's been so distant the past few months.

OP posts:
cosytoaster · 05/12/2016 16:50

Oh just dump the useless fucker and get on with the life you want to live before he drags you down any more

sparklefarts · 05/12/2016 16:53

I married a man like this once. Lasted 18 months and that was 18 months too long.
I had been with him for 2 years before hand so should have known, but was so tanked up on anti depressants (from a past issue) that I just kept plodding on thinking it was me...

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 05/12/2016 16:57

You have 2 options really. First is run for the hills and the second is to work on your relationship.
Have an honest chat with him. Tell him how you feel and say you want to start dating again (cinema, pubs, meals out). It's hard to do but it can be done.
Sounds like you have forgotten how to be with each other.

Original poster
MelAncoly · 05/12/2016 17:02

We had a talk just two weeks ago about this stuff, me saying we needed to do stuff together, utilise the chances we get etc and he always nods in the right places but then forgets about it almost instantly. We're only going out this weekend because I have insisted. It's not something he has planned, it never is.

OP posts:
Original poster
MelAncoly · 05/12/2016 17:04

And he still isn't home. Only an hour and a half to go and he's exactly two hours late again like last week.

OP posts:
Christmassnake · 05/12/2016 17:05

Run while you can,things rearly change.and you could end up with kids like this

LumpySpacedPrincess · 05/12/2016 17:06

Just tell him it's over.

Is the house in both your names?

Christmassnake · 05/12/2016 17:06

An affair?? Is that why he's late?

OohhThatsMe · 05/12/2016 17:16

It's very common for someone to be distracted if they're having an affair and for them to believe they're behaving absolutely normally when they're not. It would also account for him having time off when you're working.

When he was late last week, did you ask him why?

Original poster
MelAncoly · 05/12/2016 17:20

Yeah I asked him and he stuttered something about a last minute problem (for two nights) 😒 He said "if you don't believe me I'll show you the emails". He never did show me the emails.
He's home now so only an hour late today. I've not asked him why yet.

OP posts:
JugglingFromHereToThere · 05/12/2016 17:21

I think it is kind of bad you're almost hoping he is having an affair?
I mean, what does that tell you about where you are?
No judgement, just an observation

MyPeriodFeatures · 05/12/2016 17:23

Tell him to leave, put house on market, start looking for your dream project and don't look back.

Cherrysoup · 05/12/2016 17:28

Don't waste any more of your life. Be brave and do it.

woowoowoo · 05/12/2016 17:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ohfourfoxache · 05/12/2016 17:43

Why carry on with him? It sounds utterly miserable. You could be so much happier

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