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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or was this a really nasty thing to say?

38 replies

Crisscrosscranky · 05/12/2016 13:27

I've posted before about a difficult relationship with DH's dad's side of the family.

DH is one of 5 boys - he has two half brothers on his mother's side (A and B) and two half brothers on his dad's side (C and D). He is the only child between his mum and his dad who split when he was very young.

Our DD is 9. Two of DH's brothers (A and B) adore her and she is, as you would expect in a family of men, treated like a princess. DH's dad's side, and brothers C and D have never shown much interest at all- in her or in our lives. I had put this down to step-MIL being a bitch TBH.

I am 10 weeks pregnant and DH told his DF yesterday. His DF said "Congratulations, excellent news- now you can redeem yourself and have a boy this time". Shock.

It's not that they would like a boy - I get that. Lots of family have said "it would be nice to have one of each". It's the word "redeem"; like we did something wrong with DD.

I am angry and upset. This baby has been a long time coming for us and I quite honesty don't care what sex it is so long as it's healthy. If baby is a boy I'm worried they are going to try and be all over him and DD will feel like she's not wanted which is apparently not far from the truth. If it's a girl I am sad for my DH as he thinks his DF is the bees knees and I think a big bit of him if hoping for a son to please his dad. I want to go NC but DH won't.

AIBU or was it a really nasty thing to say? Sad

OP posts:
formerbabe · 05/12/2016 13:28

What an odd choice of word....yanbu.

CaraAspen · 05/12/2016 13:30

Might have been jokey?

ElphabaTheGreen · 05/12/2016 13:31

Go NC because of an offhand remark on gender preference? Are you hormonal because that seems ridiculous to the extreme? Or is there a lot more to it.

My DM still chastises me for having two boys, to the point that it does get beyond a joke and more than a little wearing, but nodding, smiling and changing the subject tends to suffice.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 05/12/2016 13:33

It was a stupid thing to say, not a nasty thing. If you generally get on with your FIL then treat the comment with the contempt that it deserves - not the person. Other people really don't matter in things like this. Do you really think that your FIL will be mean to the baby or not love him/her when they arrive?

If you have a huge backstory to impart then that might change things but otherwise, YABU.

I really despair of people who talk about 'going NC' for what seems really minor. However, you're an adult, if you don't want to see him anymore then I suppose you needn't. Don't speak for your husband though, he can do what he wants. Family is important to me and I wouldn't relinquish it without a very good reason because that's what family means to me.

Aderyn2016 · 05/12/2016 13:33

His dad is a prick. Your dh might not refuse to have contact but you can certainly insist that your dc have none with people who consider girls to be less important than boys.
I would be very pissed off with my h if he allowed someone to imply our dd was not as worthwhile as our male dc and he would get a proper bollocking if he didn't defend our dd.

ChicRock · 05/12/2016 13:34

she is, as you would expect in a family of men, treated like a princessConfused

You're all strange.

NicknameUsed · 05/12/2016 13:37

Unless there is a massive back story to this I think you are over reacting a little. It wasn't a nice thing to say, but not something I would go no contact over.

Original poster
Crisscrosscranky · 05/12/2016 13:37

This isn't the first thing by a mile - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2748465-WIBU-to-go-NC-with-DHs-family and www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2680367-AIBU-to-go-for-this-job are just a couple of scenarios. This has been a decade of watching them treat my DD and DH like shit.

It definitely wasn't a joke. I can't explain how I know that - I just do IYKWIM?!

OP posts:
Eaglesandbeagles · 05/12/2016 13:37

Firstly congratulations on your wonderful baby news.
Secondly try not to take notice of the insensitive things said by a family member who hasn't put the effort in with your daughter and probably won't bother much with the new baby too. Focus on family who have been there for you. I doubt he meant it to upset either of you and I doubt you or your husband will appreciate child number two any less if the baby is a girl. I don't even think you'll see much of Fil if he hasn't bothered before. Sounds like one of those family dynamics where effort isn't really a requirement whereas a and c have put effort in before so really id concentrate on family like them who will be more likely to help you through the good and the bad days not just the days they fancy being a close family.

Blossomdeary · 05/12/2016 13:41

Join the clan - when I had my third DD, with a gap of 6 and 8 years after the first two, I simply lost count of all the people who saw fit to commiserate with me. Unbelievable. At about the twentieth I lost my rag, pulled back the blanket on the pram and said: "Here is the most beautiful perfect healthy baby imaginable - how dare you be sorry for me!" Bit rude really, but honestly, how can people be so crass?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 05/12/2016 13:42

I would not want, or expect, my daughter to be treated 'like a princess'. That is, as ChicRock has said, 'odd'. She's a child, a family member, not a 'princess' to be objectified as something so vacuous.

EdmundCleverClogs · 05/12/2016 13:44

Well, no I wouldn't expect any girl I needed my family to be treated like a princess, much like you don't like the idea of a boy being treated like the second coming. I think you're over-reacting slightly, though it was a thoughtless remark.

My PIL were not overly excited to hear their new grandchild was 'another boy', but they didn't mean it in a callous was - all grandchildren are still treated with the same amount of love and care. I wouldn't be too worried having a girl, the initial excitement would soon wear off (especially when you realise young boys and girls are hardly that different).

Not sure about the two less interested brothers comment - some people just don't fawn over young children, that's ok!

fuzzywuzzy · 05/12/2016 13:45

I'd stay away from them for that. As you say how on earth will your poor DD feel if you have a DS and they give him lots of attention when they've ignored your DD so far.

Feel sorry for your DH to an extent, he's been made to feel not good enough.

MiddleClassProblem · 05/12/2016 13:49

He sounds awful! If it is a boy then poor DD will be left out! I think you need to talk to DH. Some people are just set in some strange "tradition" (misogyny in this case) where they think one way is the right way even if we are talking about things such as gender. I think you need to help DH open his eyes and protect his children from this, keeping his dad at arms length to them. He can have whatever relationship he wants with him but for one child to be preferred because of gender or two children to be ignored because of it then that's awful.

Once you have kids, they become your family nucleus and your parents become a slight step back, iyswim

MikeUniformMike · 05/12/2016 13:55

Your FIL is a twat. Ignore his comment - it just ain't wurf it. Congrats on getting pregnant and very best wishes for you, your DH and DCs.

littlesallyracket · 05/12/2016 14:00

I think it's a rotten thing to say, but it's also not uncommon for people to make off-colour 'jokes' of that nature. I'd be annoyed too, as it annoys me generally when people make assumptions about what sex other people's babies should be, but I strongly doubt it was meant literally.

A family friend told me that when they announced the birth of her DD2 her MIL sighed and said "Oh well, never mind. At least she'll be company for DD1."

Arfarfanarf · 05/12/2016 14:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PrivatePike · 05/12/2016 14:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shallichangemyname · 05/12/2016 14:07

My first was a DD, my second a DS. When I had DS my MIL said to me "we all love [Buttercup], but now that you have a son you will know how much a mother can love her child".
I was speechless. I asked her how she could possibly know this when she had no DDs. She said "it is well known that there is no love equal to that between a mother and a son".
She had about 2 brain cells in her entire head so I forgave her for her stupidity.

ElphabaTheGreen · 05/12/2016 14:08

Mahoosive back-story, then. Probably should have linked those threads in your OP, rather than drip-feeding. This is your second, if not third, thread asking if you should go NC. I think you know what answer you want OP. Entirely up to as to how you make that happen.

humphreyandlinnea · 05/12/2016 14:09

It depends what he is usually like, I think. It sounds like a bad joke or another passive aggressive comment in a long line of passive aggressive comments.

PrivatePike · 05/12/2016 14:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TinyTear · 05/12/2016 14:12

Did you get the job? are you working with Step-MIL?

MiddleClassProblem · 05/12/2016 14:22

Agree with the treated like a princess posts. It sounds like she's on a pedestal but I'm guessing you just meant that they love her lots not that they treat her like a brat

Scribblegirl · 05/12/2016 14:37

Ugh, my boss once congratulated a new dad in the office by writing in the baby card 'And a boy first time around - what luck!'. He was a sexist old man though.

Haven't read the other threads but NC on first glance is a bit off. Understand if there is some back story though.