WIBU to go NC with DH's family?(15 Posts)
My DH is 30- his parents split when he was 1 when FIL had an affair with DH's now Stepmother - they are now married with two sons of their own (20 and 17). DH and I have been together 10 years, married 5 and our DD is 7. FIL and his wife have never babysat, offered to babysit, shown any interest in DD's life or ours as a family - they were vocal they wanted us to have a boy. They kicked up a fuss when we got married that they had to sit on the same side of the church as DH's mum's family and then left at 7pm (we got married at 3.30pm) so Step-MIL didn't have to spend evening with MIL
who didn't give a shit if they were there; she was enjoying her son's wedding
Things came to a head a bit a couple of years ago I passed a postgrad and my GM made a comment on social media about how DH's family should be glad I'd bought some brains to it - I'm not sure why - I've never said they were stupid or anything; just GM thinking I'm the bees knees [and she is a bit nuts]. I called her out on it and apologised to DH's stepmother who was offended. That Xmas she asked us not to come over because "they wanted a family Xmas".
Since then I've seen them twice (they live 5 minutes away) and each time it's been uncomfortable. I make sure I buy birthday cards/presents/xmas presents etc for FIL, Step-MIL and the two boys but I post them as it's clear we're not welcome there for 'family occasions'. FIL phones DH to thank him but it's transpired he can't call him in the evenings when he's home as step-MIL says it's "family time".
I've asked DH why he puts up with it and he just thinks sun shines out of FIL's arse and it's not his fault step-MIL wants to pretend my DH never happened as he's a reminder of the fact he came first--I think he needs to grown some balls--
The straw that broke the camel's back for me came this weekend. DH and I went out for dinner and the whole of his dad's side of the family were out at the restaurant celebrating his GM's 90th birthday (we'd sent flowers- we'd not forgotten). We hadn't been invited as it was "no kids" - ironically we were out without our DD as we have the ability to book a babysitter
or ask one of her nice grandparents but we weren't even asked.
I'm so upset and can't work out what I've done to make them dislike us so much. I don't care if DH wants to keep in contact - I'd rather he did to be honest but I can't be arsed to try anymore and I'm wanting to go NC before DD realises she's not particularly welcomed. It's step-MIL's birthday next week and I don't want to buy a card and present or pretend I give a shit anymore.
I seriously thought about burning my bridges and writing to tell them what awful people they are but it won't achieve anything and will only give them a reason to say how awful I am. WIBU to just go NC and let my DH decide if he wants to carry it on?!
Just do it, I did it two years ago. Best thing I ever did
I did and dh decided I was right and dumped her too!!
I uninvited her to our wedding last year after she didn't bother with our new born ds. Lots of other stuff I won't bore you with. But you take the lead and use your 'balls' and tell her to sling her hook!!
You will feel so liberated I tell you!!
YANBU but to be honest with you it sounds like you have been making all the effort anyway and they don't seem bothered. I would have stopped buying gifts ages ago (in fact I'm not sure I would have started - If your DH wants his family to have presents he should get them.)
My experience with step-mothers is that they work towards isolating the male from his family until the step-mother and her family are the priority. People will say this is unfair, but it has happened to me TWICE.
I'd let your DH see FIL alone and see the rest of DH's family (except step-mother) together.
Sorry you're experiencing this.
Would you happily accept gifts from people without even thinking of thanking them, having them in your life at other times, or go back to treating them like dirt? Of course you wouldn't, that's awful. So why are you enabling your in-laws behaviour? Do not bother from now on, if your husband cares so much, he can sort it (and maybe open his eyes a bit).
YANBU and Grace that has been my experience too, although just the once.
For your own peace of mind OP go NC; I imagine you will feel better for it in the long run.
Also my experience - both DF and FIL remarried people who did not want any contact with the 'first' family'. I think it is very common. You have got to wonder where all the spines of these men go when they remarry.
If you go NC you will have an easier life, but you will have allowed the step-MIL to isolate him.
I am NC with my own dad 10 years now, but we struggle on with FIL, maybe see him twice a year when he only lives a few minutes away. Whenever we get together it is really awkward and DH walks away every time wondering why we still bother. We sit there listening to step-MIL list all the amazing things they do with her grandchild, when they have never so much as asked our DC round for tea. We need a strong stomach.
We tried to sort it out recently - DH, FIL and I were sitting there agreeing how it would be good if we could all make more effort. Step-MIL panicked and went into full attack mode and blew the whole thing up. She won - nothing changed.
Agree with the others saying go NC.However that stuff that your gran put on FB .I mean WTAF? It would take me a very long time to get over this,apology or not.It was rude and very unkind.
I wouldn't bother writing a letter. Your Step-MIL will just run around to everyone in the family showing if to them (with commentary) and use it to portray you as batpoo crazy and to justify keeping you at arms length.
If your DH still wants to keep in contact, I wouldn't force him to go non-contact. It would cause a bunch of disputes in your own marriage which you really don't need. I just wouldn't go around and see them any more or make any effort to get cards or presents.
One reason I wouldn't tell your DH to completely cut them off is his half-brothers may try to get closer once they are more mature adults and have got past their mother's influence somewhat.
I wouldn't write the letter but sounds like you (not DH) going NC or VLC would be an easy a liberating thing for you to do.
I've gone VLC with my ILs and DH is LC. NC would've potentially been too much drama (and they are not so bad that it was required). It was very easy as we were the ones who did 95% of the inviting so we simply stopped when we realised that we found their behaviour so draining it was all done purely out of obligation (they have strong traits of covert narcissism and love to create drama triangles). I stopped emailing, ringing, sorting out gifts for them - DH does all of that now.
Don't write the letter.
Just stop bothering. They probably won't even notice.
They've made it clear they don't want you as part of the family, likely for exactly the reasons you say, DH is a reminder of a previous marriage. Their loss.
I'd stop bothering with them. It doesn't sound like it would take any effort for you to go NC, actually less effort and I'm not sure they'd even notice.
I honestly don't understand why you have been buying all these gifts for people who don't like you. Whatever happens YANBU to stop that right away. Tell your DH in advance so that he can do it if he wants to I suppose.
I guess it depends what "go NC" means. If it's just stop making an effort, I don't see why not. However, I will say, I don't think they've done anything really awful in the scale of things, thought they do sound quite unpleasant. But for me "going NC" would be reserved for abusive family members, and I don't think they're in that territory. More fundamentally, I think that it's for your DH to decide what kind of relationship he wants with his parents, and I don't think you should stop your DD having a relationship with them either, even if it's not the perfect relationship.
I missed the last para about the letter -- oh my god, for the love of god, don't do that.
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