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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Grandparents and presents

60 replies

Notgoingtobeamug · 05/12/2016 13:25

DP and I work full time and we are extremely lucky that we have relatives who help with childcare for half the week. I am grateful and recognise the effort that our families make. We are very happy that DS(3) gets to spend quality regular time with his grandparents and they are all very close. They have toys there for him to play with and he really enjoys himself.

BUT - 2 sets of his GPs will only ever give presents that MUST remain at their houses and I struggle with this. They are very generous and the presents are exciting - such as a red shiny tricycle for his birthday (he doesn't have a bike at home). Any presents give by his auntie and uncle on that side must also stay at their houses. DS struggles with opening presents and then not being able to take them home. He is only 3 and gets upset when it is time to go home but cant take the gifts with him.

Would IBU to ask them to perhaps get him a small gift (such as a book) and then if they want to buy him a big gift (which really isn't necessary or expected at all), that they give it a couple of weeks later and not wrapped up and given as a Christmas/Bday gift?

OP posts:

NavyandWhite · 05/12/2016 13:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Notgoingtobeamug · 05/12/2016 13:29

Well yes but it wont be a birthday or Christmas gift. He understands that the toys at his grandparents stay there but they just appear - they aren't wrapped up and accompanied by all the fuss.

OP posts:

SleepFreeZone · 05/12/2016 13:30

How strange of them!

NavyandWhite · 05/12/2016 13:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NapQueen · 05/12/2016 13:32

I'd be very cross about this.

Maybe just bag his gifts up at the end for the day there and taken them with you. If they comment say "I will arrange a box of toys to live here and bring them next week" and make sure it's a mix for old and new.

These are gifts. They no longer belong to the adults they belong to ds.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 05/12/2016 13:33

Oh that's lousey!! I'd give everyone Christmas peesents you know they will love and then take them back and say "you can use it when you visit us", it might make them realise how mean they are being, or, you could just take it, put your foot down, they have given it to your we therefore it is not theirs and have no say in what happens it, so just tell them tough it is going home

HaveNoSocks · 05/12/2016 13:34

It is a bit odd of them but personally I wouldn't make a big deal of it. If your son knows before he opens them he shouldn't be too disappointed, especially as he'll probably have so many presents actually at his home.

Laiste · 05/12/2016 13:35

Oh gawd my outlaws used to do this. 'We've bought [insert my DDs name] a lovely x, y, z but want it to stay here so that ALL the grandchildren can play with it.

And by ALL she meant the 2 by her youngest son who virtually lived at hers were by far and away her favorite. None of their presents ever had to stay at hers

Anyway - have you tried asking if you can take the presents home OP? Sometimes it just takes a bit of guts to ask the unthinkable and people haven't the front to actually refuse

EmzDisco · 05/12/2016 13:37

Yes it's not really a gift if you can't even take it home with you, how weird!

As you say there may happen to be toys at his grandparents he gets to play with, but they aren't accompanied by a big bow and tag with his name on.

I'd be put out if I was given wine I could only drink in the gift givers house, or a jumper only for wearing in their presence, and I'm a bit older than 3! So YANBU and neither would your DS be if this upset him.

Mari50 · 05/12/2016 13:38

To be honest my DD's grandparents bought her bugger all so if they'd actually even bought things for her to play with at theirs instead of plonking her in front of the tv I'd have been delighted (esp as they went on about all the toys they had in the loft that exP's older daughter had been bought to play with- bring it fucking down then!!!)

lorelairoryemily · 05/12/2016 13:38

That is so mean!! I would ask if he can bring them home, that's just bonkers, maddest thing I've heard in a long time!!

Original poster

Notgoingtobeamug · 05/12/2016 13:39

I cant pre warn him, he is only just 3 and wont get the concept of having to open a present, say thank you and then hand it back an hour later. They make such a bog deal about how he now has a shiny new bike to ride at their house (once a week - when the weather is good) that its just not possible to then take it back.

They are very generous and it makes me feel bad to complain as they really are lovely gifts but the whole concept of giving presents and then restricting their use is alien to me.

OP posts:

Joinourclub · 05/12/2016 13:39

Haha nocabbage that's brilliant!

HeyRoly · 05/12/2016 13:41

That's extraordinarily selfish. You don't give a gift with conditions!

It's all well and good to want a selection of good toys at your house if you care for your grandchild, but to refuse to allow them to take a lovely gift home with them is outright mean.

NoSquirrels · 05/12/2016 13:44

Oh, it's rubbish I agree, but then if they spend so much time looking after him (half the week) then it does make a sort of sense that they want him to have things to amuse himself there, and that they get to watch him playing with them.

Could you not just ask if you can swap over some of the toys at your house (some bigger items, even, if it's things like trikes etc) for a bit, in exchange for taking some a newer Xmas/birthday one home with him for a limited time til the shine has worn off? It IS crap to unwrap something and not be able to take it home, especially at 3 years old.

Your plan sounds good too though - to ask that the actual wrapped gifts are his to take away and anything else isn't specifically given to him as "his", but just something that lives at their house. They'd have to be pretty odd to find that a problem.

Mouseinahole · 05/12/2016 13:45

Sorry you do need to complain and if they don't understand then you must try to avoid an identical shiny tricycle etc for him to have at home. Give him yours first, even if its before the event. As a grandmother of 9ggc I would never do that. It is cruel to expect him to leave it behind.
I have toys etc here which I buy for the dgc to share when they come round but a) they aren't presented to any one child and b) if anyone takes a fancy to something small they can take it home.
They know the Brio, Sylvanians and Playmobil stay here but even so they are collections built up over years and the dgc sometimes buy me extras for presents. Your ds's grandparents are totally out of order.

Mouseinahole · 05/12/2016 13:46

Afford not avoid

Bringmewineandcake · 05/12/2016 13:47

Notgoing I really think you need to tackle this issue for your son. "That's so kind thank you. We'll be sure to bring it over but DS is going to love playing with that at home later / tomorrow / whenever".

MoreThanUs · 05/12/2016 13:50

I think that as they look after him regularly for half the week (and you're both working full time, so presumably your DS is only at home at weekends), it is reasonable that they like their presents to stay with them. If I was having to keep a 3 year old amused every week, I'd want nice toys around too.

MoreThanUs · 05/12/2016 13:51

I think a lot of posters replying are missing the point about them having your DS for a significant amount of time every week. To me, this changes everything.

Original poster

Notgoingtobeamug · 05/12/2016 13:52

The GPs involved have him either half a day or 1 day a week. He doesn't spend 2-3 whole days there. Its difficult with the aunt and uncles 2 presents as well, they have to stay at the GPs houses too!

OP posts:

Original poster

Notgoingtobeamug · 05/12/2016 13:53

We have 3 sets of GPs who split 2.5 days between them. 2 of the sets of GPs restrict presents and they have him for 1.5 days between them.

OP posts:

knaffedoff · 05/12/2016 13:56

If they are providing childcare for you, it's not unreasonable to give a gift that can be played with when at their house. Assuming your child takes all gifts home, what would he play with he is with grandparents? Perhaps your child can take a favourite gift home, on the promise that it's returned in a week or two

Mouseinahole · 05/12/2016 13:57

The aunts and uncles should be spoken to in advance about how a three year old will feel if half his Christmas presents have to be left behind. They are either gifts for the child i.e. they belong to him or they aren't. If they are only loaned then the child borrows them at grandparents' house.
I have rarely been so angry on someone else's behalf.

TheLambShankRedemption · 05/12/2016 14:01

That seems very weird to me, I've never heard of people doing that before. I was going to also say fair enough if he's there all week but one day? No that's bizarre.

Can you ask them if you can take the presents home but agree that you bring one or two of their presents with you each week for the day as a compromise? Otherwise can they spend less on the item but buy 2 of the same so one stays and one goes home?

My mum and MIL each bought things to keep at their houses, but they were not Christmas or birthday presents, just stuff for the children to play with when visiting.

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