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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Grandparents and presents

60 replies

Notgoingtobeamug · 05/12/2016 13:25

DP and I work full time and we are extremely lucky that we have relatives who help with childcare for half the week. I am grateful and recognise the effort that our families make. We are very happy that DS(3) gets to spend quality regular time with his grandparents and they are all very close. They have toys there for him to play with and he really enjoys himself.

BUT - 2 sets of his GPs will only ever give presents that MUST remain at their houses and I struggle with this. They are very generous and the presents are exciting - such as a red shiny tricycle for his birthday (he doesn't have a bike at home). Any presents give by his auntie and uncle on that side must also stay at their houses. DS struggles with opening presents and then not being able to take them home. He is only 3 and gets upset when it is time to go home but cant take the gifts with him.

Would IBU to ask them to perhaps get him a small gift (such as a book) and then if they want to buy him a big gift (which really isn't necessary or expected at all), that they give it a couple of weeks later and not wrapped up and given as a Christmas/Bday gift?

OP posts:

Original poster

Notgoingtobeamug · 05/12/2016 14:02

Knaffedoff- that's why I think I shod suggest buying him a cheap present for Christmas and then the bigger gift a few days later. It means that all of the gifts DS receives from DPs side of the family don't come home.

OP posts:

TinyTear · 05/12/2016 14:07

That is not generous. that is manipulative and controlling...
I would make sure to tell the 3 year old in ear shop of the GP how silly they are and maybe grandma wants to have a go on the trycicle when he isn't there - let's hope she isn't too heavy for it and doesn't break it!

alotlikeChristmas16 · 05/12/2016 14:09

Not your suggestion is sensible, they've not thought it through from a 3 year old's perspective. My DC wouldn't leave, I'd have to physically drag them away - is that how they want Christmas to be? I'd try gently talking to them about what you think will happen on Christmas day if they operate their usual rules. Don't fall out though - so nice for your DC to have committed GP. Mine deluge us with stuff and then we hardly see them.

littlesallyracket · 05/12/2016 14:11

That's a bit weird.

My mum keeps some toys and books for her grandkids at her house, but they aren't their presents - they're just bits and pieces, mostly stuff from her childminding days I think, that they can play with if they're bored. But she would never tell them they had to keep their Christmas or birthday presents at her house - when they're excited to get something new that they really love, they obviously want to take it home and play with it all the time.

Sometimes if buy my nieces and nephews craft kits or messy stuff I suggest 'You might want to take it to Nanny and Grandad's house and do it there...' because I know their mum isn't that keen on that sort of thing taking over her kitchen (big family, small house) but it would only ever be a suggestion, not an order!

middlings · 05/12/2016 14:13

That's really mean. And why do the aunts and uncles presents have to stay there too? Is this a very odd family tradition?

winterisnigh · 05/12/2016 14:13

If they are providing childcare for you, it's not unreasonable to give a gift that can be played with when at their house

But the child care is for the parents and the gift is for the child, why should the child suffer?

Op most gp I know who look after small dc, get cheap toys from charity shops and never have many of them either. I think its cruel to buy shiny bike and not let him take it home. I really think you need to say this is upsetting for your son and you cant accept gifts from them in future if he cant take them home.

Bringmewineandcake · 05/12/2016 14:15

My parents also have toys that stay at their house, but it's things like jigsaws, small toys and my old things. If they buy things to stay at their house it's at different times of the year, not wrapped up and not presented as a gift. Of course he's going to want to take a tricycle home to play with every day. Either they let him take his presents home, or they buy much smaller gifts that won't cause such an issue when he has to leave them behind.

alotlikeChristmas16 · 05/12/2016 14:16

one thing is for sure, your DS's reaction is only going to get worse as he starts to anticipate having to leave the gifts.

Notso · 05/12/2016 14:20

I don't understand. Surely if he can understand the bigger gift stays at GP's if it's given after Christmas then he can understand it stays if he has it for Christmas.
PIL bought bikes for my two youngest to keep at their house, they had a few winged about wanting to take them home but once we got home that was that.

winterisnigh · 05/12/2016 14:21

your DS's reaction is only going to get worse as he starts to anticipate having to leave the gifts.

^^ its not acceptable you need to nip it in the bud now.

Notso · 05/12/2016 14:25

...your DS's reaction is only going to get worse as he starts to anticipate having to leave the gifts.
Or he will understand that the gifts stay at GP's and not make a fuss at all.

alotlikeChristmas16 · 05/12/2016 14:27

really notso, they can understand at 3 that it happens but not why or emotionally accept that. My DD would fixate upon this issue and anticipate having to leave the presents and would spoil it for her. TBH unless you had given her homework as a gift it could be anything and she'd be upset about it.

Original poster

Notgoingtobeamug · 05/12/2016 14:27

Notso - but was that the case with every gift they receive from that side of the family and were they only 3?

OP posts:

nuttyknitter · 05/12/2016 14:33

The childcare issue is entirely irrelevant. We have a selection of toys at our house for the DGC, and a couple of them are large items, but they weren't given as presents. If you give a child a present it's surely up to them what they do with it.

Nanny0gg · 05/12/2016 14:36

Mean.

I look after DGC and I have toys here for them. They are, on the whole, hand-me-downs with one or two that I have bought new.

Their presents are theirs and they live at their house. They are welcome to bring them along sometimes if they so choose.

The present should be for the recipient to do with what they want, not be dictated to about.

Budgiebonbon · 05/12/2016 14:37

YANBU- We are in a slightly different situation in that we are Aunt and Uncle.

We brought our Nephew an activity set gift which we had checked with SiL was age appropriate and that he would like, we put a lot of effort into getting it.

We had family boxing day at MiL and exchanged gifts, as SiL and BiL were leaving nephew was told to leave the gift we had given as he could use it when they went to visit MiL. They live 1.5 hrs away and visit once a month-ish, it's been used once or twice.

I was somewhat irritated, but once a gift is given you can't dictate terms. your DM & MiL should not dictate terms.

Could you get a box and rotate the toys at each of the GP's & Home say once a month. Then non-will live at a specific place, and they will get to see him play with some different toys. At 3 could you ask your DS what he would like to take with him for this month- it may put an end to GP's stipulating what stays and what goes.

Notso · 05/12/2016 14:49

That's your DD though alotlikeChristmas. I've worked in primary as a TA, in nursery and reception there tends to be a lot of children who get upset and make a fuss at having to return the class bear. By year one you might get one or two but it's quite rare because they accept class bear lives at school. They learn.

MarsBarsAreShrinking · 05/12/2016 14:51

I agree with whoever said further up that it's not generous, it's manipulative and bloody mean. And ridiculous. I would have to get this stopped now, it's horrible!

Out of interest, is it your parents or your in-laws?

Original poster

Notgoingtobeamug · 05/12/2016 14:55

In laws - otherwise I would have no problem with telling them to stop it. The trouble is that whilst DP agrees with me, apparently this was how it was when he grew up so it is a horrible tradition!

OP posts:

Original poster

Notgoingtobeamug · 05/12/2016 14:57

Notso - he spends boxing day being given presents, none of which he gets to take home. You think a 3 year old should accept that?

OP posts:

CurlyBlueberry · 05/12/2016 15:03

My parents buy things for my kids which then stay at their house - I'm bloody grateful for this as our house is tiny, theirs is huge, and frankly I don't want all the toys here as there's loads here already!

I suppose the difference is that my parents aren't at all controlling over it - if there was something the kids really wanted to take home, they could. They never have though. They've never made a fuss, they've always just known that they have toys at Grandma's and toys at home. I didn't think this was weird until I read this thread...

Come to think of it my in-laws also have toys for the children at their house (mostly stuff kept from when their own kids were small) which they bring out when the kids visit. Again, the children have never actually asked to take any of it home. Some of it is quite "exciting" like the enormous train set but no-one has never made an issue out of it and maybe the kids have picked up on it all being quite "chill"? I'm not trying to be mean honestly, just wondering if you are getting anxious about it and projecting onto them which then does actually set them off? (Plus to be fair your ILs do sound controlling about it, whereas in our case it's never been a problem either way.)

Katy07 · 05/12/2016 15:07

Can't he take his presents home on the day he opens them and then take them back to GPs permanently on his next visit?

Jiggl · 05/12/2016 15:09

Let them open their gifts then gather them up at the end of your visit and take them home. Then when they go "err, where are you going with my gift??" you can just sweetly reply that you are just doing what is obviously a family tradition given that this is the rule they enforce on a baby.

Do the same with their birthday and Mother's day gifts too.

DM has a toy cupboard and I update the toys from time to time with ones DS has outgrown or gotten bored with. New gifts are his to do what he wants with. As it should be.

Laiste · 05/12/2016 15:18

It's fine for there to be toys that stay at granny's - but not the xmas presents and birthday presents.

Think about it ... what would happen if PIL went to the OPs house for xmas day and everyone all opened all their presents there. Would MIL seriously gather up all the little boy's new toys from her and take them away?

Because that's the logic lots of posters are asking the OP to be ok with. The lads presents should be things he can take home with him.

Footinmouthasusual · 05/12/2016 15:29

It's wierd. I look after my gc 3 days a week and we just buy presents and it's up to him where he plays with them. They interchange and mix. Obviously big garden toys stay at ours.

Very strange tradition here.

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