Grandparents and presents

[Notgoingtobeamug]

DP and I work full time and we are extremely lucky that we have relatives who help with childcare for half the week. I am grateful and recognise the effort that our families make. We are very happy that DS(3) gets to spend quality regular time with his grandparents and they are all very close. They have toys there for him to play with and he really enjoys himself.

BUT - 2 sets of his GPs will only ever give presents that MUST remain at their houses and I struggle with this. They are very generous and the presents are exciting - such as a red shiny tricycle for his birthday (he doesn't have a bike at home). Any presents give by his auntie and uncle on that side must also stay at their houses. DS struggles with opening presents and then not being able to take them home. He is only 3 and gets upset when it is time to go home but cant take the gifts with him.

Would IBU to ask them to perhaps get him a small gift (such as a book) and then if they want to buy him a big gift (which really isn't necessary or expected at all), that they give it a couple of weeks later and not wrapped up and given as a Christmas/Bday gift?

Just take the presents home with you OP. End of discussion. Don't listen to the GP or the aunts and uncles just take all the gifts home.

the class bear isn't the same though - it's obvious the class bear lives in the class whereas presents typically belong to the recipient permanently. Of course one can force children to habituate to anything where necessary, this seems avoidable and unfair.

This sounds rather unkind, and it's not much of a present if the recipient isn't allowed to take it away.

Both my parents and PILs have some toys / books that live at their houses - a mix of hand me downs from their own kids, charity shop finds, and new things bought cheaply. These have always been preeented to the DC as "grandparents toys" that live with the grandparents, and any new ones appear randomly throughout the year. The DC have never objected to leaving these toys behind, as they've understood these belong to grandparents, not them.

Birthday / Christmas presents are separate, and can be taken home or not as the DC and us wish. There are a few presents that stayed at grandparents houses - mostly presents that duplicated toys we already had at home, or presents that were easier to use at grandparents houses, but there's never been any expectation that presents are left there.

I don't think it's unreasonable for them to give the occasional gift that they mean for him to play with at their houses, but to do so with all his gifts is really mean. He is 3 and obviously is going to want to play with his presents. They also don't belong to the giver once they are given.

I would start asking for cash

Alternatively, you could tell them that this is bothering you because it means he doesn't get to play with his toys and you can see it upsets him to leave them. Ask them to not bother unless they are happy for the toys to go home with your DS.

Notso - but was that the case with every gift they receive from that side of the family and were they only 3? He spends boxing day being given presents, none of which he gets to take home. You think a 3 year old should accept that?

No not every present, but a few biggish ones and they were 3 and 2, my older ones got a wii to keep there. This year PIL have got goals for my two youngest to be kept at their house, they are 5 and 4, I don't expect any complaining from them. It's not as if they don't have any other presents.

I'm not saying it's fair he has to keep everything at their house but if you and your husband are not willing to do anything to change it then surely it's better to help your son understand how presents work at GP's house.
If you think he could understand that a say an unwrapped bike presented after Christmas is not to be taken home then he is capable of understanding that presents at GP's stay at GP's. He is only going to be three this year, so hopefully next year it will be easier.
If I wasn't happy for PIL to keep things at their house I'd have no problem in telling them.

Have your tried talking to the aunts/uncles - presumably yours or your husbands siblings? Don't they mind? Or is this oddness so ingrained that they can't see what's weird about it. Using a bike once a week is so wasteful as they grow out of them so quickly at that age.

YANBU

I agree with you that it would be so much nicer if they could buy small gifts for your DC to be taken home.

Fine to have bikes etc to play with at grandparents house, but these don't need to be given as Christmas/birthday presents.

Even if it's a difficult subject to approach with your in-laws (I understand it's not always worth rocking the boat!!), you should at least talk to the aunties/uncles. Those presents should not be kept at the grandparents house.

I think to do it with every present is a bit OTT, but I can see why they ask for it that way.

My DC have my house and their dads. They go there once a week, like your DC. Their presents sometimes come home now, but mostly when they were this age stayed there. Bikes. Lego. Cars. Toy garage. Their dad bought them presents of things he thought they would enjoy to play with in the time they were with him. Which is what your grandparents have done. I don't see a huge amount wrong with it on the whole, but do think restricting all presents is a little over the top.

My gd lives with her dm but sees her dad ( my ds) in our home. All presents she receives for Christmas and birthdays she decides where she wants to keep them. Even the ones from her dad.
During the year l buy stuff ( not loads) for her to play with here and so does her dad, of course. But birthday and Christmas presents usually go to her dms where she has plenty of time to play with them.
Your ds does need toys at gps but is there some compromise ye could reach. Could he bring the new ones home and you pop some older ones to gps. As a gm l like lots of games, art materials and books here as my gd does a lot of that here and plays with toys more at her dms.

That is the way we've always done things here, whatever the grandparents buy goes to their house for the kids to play with there. I prefer it as we'd have far too many toys here. The kids do get to keep them at our house until the next time we are visiting either sets of grandparents, then we take the presents round to their house.