AIBU to expect him to man up before we try to have a baby?

[SWtoSEGirl]

I have been married for almost 2 years, and with my DH for 8 years. Talk over the past year has naturally turned to children and we have just bought our first place together.

DH is really keen to try for a baby now - I'm not quite there yet, but it would really help me if he could engage in the financial repercussions and other responsibilities involved - I try and bring it up regularly, but he just dismisses these things and says he'll 'take care of it all'. This is all very well - at the moment we earn exactly the same amount, but either of us taking time off to care for a child would have a significant financial impact. I've drawn up various budgets to try and plan for the future - but he is so laissez faire about it & this frightens me a lot.

It isn't just this though - I'm sure many people find this, but I take the lion's share of the household chores, washing, cleaning, house admin etc. (we both work equal hours) - and I'm afraid I'll be left looking after two people.

So whilst he says ' he'll take care of it all' - he has done nothing to prove that he would. What would you do in my situation? I've tried talking to him & he says he'll get better, but never does. I don't doubt he'd be a wonderful Dad, so would you just jump in and go for it and trust it would be ok? Or would you insist they help out more and prove themselves before you bring a baby into the equation?

OP I know many "families" where coffeecuppa's situation is the norm. I got together with DH a bit over 10 years ago, round about the time I discovered Mumsnet, also round about the time I was quite depressed and realising that my own approach to a lot in life needed to change. I came from a very unhappy family where mother was a deeply bitter martyr who did everything (resentfully, and made it clear how much she hated it all and hated me for existing), and father was a "good dad who played with the children sometimes" and was otherwise rude and boorish. DH came from a family that was loving and kind but that hadn't taught him basic life skills (because his mum regarded those as drudgery that she didn't want her kids to have to learn, and his father earned enough to throw money at anything that his mum wanted to outsource).

Reading AIBU and Relationships on Mumsnet allowed me to develop an idea of what I wanted in my relationship with DH. He was sensible and kind, and in many ways more loving than I am, but he was a complete man-child. I spent many years being alternately resentful and patronizing, and he spent many years not bothering to step up and leaving all the house and social stuff to me. Crunch time came when we moved abroad for his job and it became clear that I was unable to continue my career where we were. I had to consider whether it was worth staying if I couldn't work - and I decided that the relationship had to change. I said repeatedly that I would not have children with him and did not want a relationship that was as unequal as my parents' and that I would not stay unless things changed. He would step up, make a single meal, tell everyone about it, then go back to his computer and back to ignoring everything except his work and his friends.

What made it change was me actually leaving to do two jobs overseas, one for 6 months and one scheduled for 5 years (which turned out to only be a year). In the lead-up to the first job overseas DH really changed a huge amount, because I left it up in the air as to whether I was coming back at all. We started spending time together (as opposed to just in the same room), he started asking to help with house stuff and asking for instruction on how to do things. By the time I left for that job he had proposed, I'd said yes, we'd bought a house (and DH did nearly all of the work of buying it), and we were both terribly sad when I left. By the time I left for the second job we both knew I was doing the wrong thing and should be staying (I went anyway out of a mistaken sense of duty - thankfully the job was crap and I got to leave after a year).

Dh has been completely awesome since I came back. He knows how to do house stuff, he initiates us doing things together, he is supportive and kind and emotionally intelligent. We now have a DS who is 4 weeks old. DH has done literally ALL the cooking and washing and cleaning since we got home (as i've been parked on the sofa feeding DS non-stop), and did most of it when I was heavily pregnant and knackered. He changes nappies, he plays with DS, he initiates discussions on what needs to be bought/ planned for, etc. Life is great.

So it is possible to get a man-child to change, but they have to really want to change. DH only wanted to when it looked like I wasn't coming back.

This thread should become part of the national curriculum!

The vomiting story reminds me of my STBXH. We were camping and the toddler threw up in the night. He woke up with me in a panic because the baby was sick and I couldn't find the torch. He wordlessly passed me the torch, and rolled over and went back to sleep. He used to describe himself as a hands-on dad too.

Incompetent husbands links

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/amp/?client=safari

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.urbandictionary.com/define.php%3Fterm%3DStrategic%20Incompetence%26amp%3Dtrue?client=safari

m.youtube.com/watch?v=SqQgDwA0BNU

My contribution to the national curriculum

I WISH I'd been on mn when I was in your position.

In my experience they don't change. My ex now has 6 children (our dd was his first) and he's never done a night waking with any of them.

When I met him he couldn't cook (I'm talking couldn't even boil an egg!), the only reason he knew how to do laundry and ironing was the army taught him, couldn't budget well, plan for the future financially etc.

I managed to get him to improve a little while we were together (11 years) but basically he didn't think it was his responsibility, regardless of the fact I worked full time - actually longer hours - and even earned more than him for the first few years.

2nd wife now works full time, he works part time (supposedly so they need less childcare as she also earns more) but she still does the majority of housework, household admin and organisation. Frankly I think she's nuts to put up with it!

I've also noticed that the most successful and longest lasting marriages I know are where they are true equals and there's genuine mutual respect.

My advice

Double up your contraception.
Do the 'straight talk' you suggested. Be clear on what you will/won't accept.
Be clear there's not going to be any babies until HE starts acting like an adult!

Honestly I'd set yourself a deadline too for ltb. You can't spend forever hoping he'll change and him not doing it. Whether you tell him the deadline is difficult choice to make. Could be seen as unfair if he doesn't know but if he does he could see it as he only has to step up until then.

What a great video!

You aren't his surrogate mother and although you can sympathise with his upbringing, you really shouldn't parent him.

😂 Arfarfanarf

parentsvPIL lovely story that. But yes, if people are going to change at all, it's not until it's make or break time, is it. Bloody hard work.

congrats on your lovely little bundle :)