AIBU to expect him to man up before we try to have a baby?

[SWtoSEGirl]

I have been married for almost 2 years, and with my DH for 8 years. Talk over the past year has naturally turned to children and we have just bought our first place together.

DH is really keen to try for a baby now - I'm not quite there yet, but it would really help me if he could engage in the financial repercussions and other responsibilities involved - I try and bring it up regularly, but he just dismisses these things and says he'll 'take care of it all'. This is all very well - at the moment we earn exactly the same amount, but either of us taking time off to care for a child would have a significant financial impact. I've drawn up various budgets to try and plan for the future - but he is so laissez faire about it & this frightens me a lot.

It isn't just this though - I'm sure many people find this, but I take the lion's share of the household chores, washing, cleaning, house admin etc. (we both work equal hours) - and I'm afraid I'll be left looking after two people.

So whilst he says ' he'll take care of it all' - he has done nothing to prove that he would. What would you do in my situation? I've tried talking to him & he says he'll get better, but never does. I don't doubt he'd be a wonderful Dad, so would you just jump in and go for it and trust it would be ok? Or would you insist they help out more and prove themselves before you bring a baby into the equation?

Right to make you feel better... I was there.

DH was brought up this way, it took many many years to change. In retrospect he expected it as everyone he grew up with was the same, so I probably seemed the odd one to him.

He had other qualities that proved themselves along the way, kind to me, faithful, a rock emotionally if I hit rough times. To be fair I got accidentally pregnant, and seemingly planless he stepped up fast. More kids later, I gave up work and kept a joint account and it was still always equal. He stepped up at work, learnt to see chores better in time etc and grew into a wonderful partner.

I'm sure mumsmet would have said ltb(I nearly did!).... does this sound similar to you? There are a lot of shades of grey in relationships and only you know where you are

(Btw yes I gave up work but DH saw I was financially not at risk as an in asked for gesture, I did it because I suddenly wanted to have time wth kids)

We had houseguests this weekend - and I was the one up early to get breakfast on the table, making plans & getting tea & coffee. These basics just don't seem to occur to him

Look I know you love him, but it's time to take off the rose tinted glasses.

He didn't make them breakfast cos the little woman would be doing it, like she always has.

When you saw the clothes strewn everywhere what did you say?

Throwing a baby in the air or playing football with a child does not make a great dad if that's what you are thinking.

Someone else said that parenthood is 99% drudgery while being dead on your feet and that's hit the nail on the head.

Life goes into a tailspin with a first child. You literally have no idea what the fuck has happened to your life. Not only will you likely be recovering physically from the birth (you may be lucky and be fine, others are not and require stitches or worse an EMC), you will be trying to establish bf, often spending hours just sat with the baby, changing nappies or trying to get the baby to sleep. That's pretty much it for weeks. It's incredibly hard to envisage the emotional turmoil having a baby puts you in, the hormones, the tears (happy tears) and the absolute mindblowing exhaustion that a newborn brings.

I had my first with a dickhead and I ended up with PND, a house that looked like a warzone and I struggled so badly because he wasn't providing at home or financially. He also ended up very violent but that's another story.

If you don't mind having to do everything then crack on but otherwise I'd suggest you tell him that unless he gets his act together this won't work long term.

I've tried talking to him & he says he'll get better, but never does. I don't doubt he'd be a wonderful Dad

I think you are deluding yourself.

If he's already happy to leave you the bulk of the housework, when he has just as much work/free time as you do ...

If he's continually refusing to engage in the obvious, necessary discussions about the financial impact a baby and time off from work does from a family ...

If he's repeatedly suggested he'll change, but he never does ...

He will likely be a crap father.

By him not doing his share of household drudgery and life drudgery and planning, it means he's happy for you to pick up his share for him.

Seriously. It means he's happy to dump it on you.

Do you honestly think he won't mind dumping all the drudgery of having a baby in the house on you, too. Even if you're working, too. Sure, he'll step in and be the fun dad from time to time, and do drudgery when you complain, but he will quickly revert to form.

You need to sit down with him and lay it out for him. This is what it's been like. Change is always promised, but never happens. So why on earth would you add to your lopsided burden with the addition of a baby with him.

You need to see long term proof of change and planning. Otherwise, I think you'd be nuts to have a baby with him.

he'all be a great dad

Will he though, or will he just be happy to have a play buddy because he's a man-child??

He gets to wake up & get on with life in the real world & put some proper financial planning. hope he's not a half-arsed lazy git at work who'll end up getting himself sacked halfway through your ML

It's fine you stuck it out with your DH SexDrugs but to me if a man can't grasp the notion that modern life with kids generally necessitates both parents pitching in equally with the drudge work then the relationship is not worth proceeding with. To me a supportive partner sees when the washing, laundry whatever needs doing and gets on with it. Actions are louder than words when you've got young toddlers to look after and are constantly knackered.

I think you're right to feel concerned that you would end up carrying most of the responsibilities.

Explain to him the set-up that you would need to feel comfortable having a child. Explain that it would have to be in place now, so you could make that decision, rather than at the time when there would be so much change already.

You have a man-teen.
I have one too.
Difference is, I didn't realise it prior to marriage and first child - because while we were in the UK, he actually wasn't so bad.
When we moved out here, and to within his mother's sphere, he reverted so fast it would have been comical if I hadn't had to deal with it.
He's not a great dad - he's fun, they love him to bits, but he's shit at the basics. Really shit.

Oh yes, he changed the odd nappy when I made him.
He does half the cooking and half the washing up; and everso occasionally might clean something in the kitchen (work surfaces usually get a wipe, but nothing else, not the table, not the cooker, nothing else).
He does do his own ironing, but I do the laundry.
He forgets to feed the boys when he has them on his own (we're still together but sometimes I go out for the day [shockhorror!])

I went out Friday night to a girls' film night. Got back at 10:45pm. Both boys (4 and 8) still wide awake watching tv, their dad next to them on the bed fast asleep. Neither boy in pjs or with teeth cleaned.

God knows what would happen to them if anything happened to me :(

Sorry, what was the question?
Oh yes, YABU to expect him to do anything. He can't even manage to improve his behaviour and attitude now when he gets plenty of sleep and can do pretty much what he wants, when he wants - he doesn't stand much chance of doing it when a baby turns up.
But you can make it a condition of you deciding you want another child in the house, yes.

PinkiePiesCupcakes Mon 05-Dec-16 13:31:25
I don't think I can add anything to this, PINKY has summed it up perfectly.

"I've tried reasoning, I've often been left in tears & he promises to improve"
Well you've established that reasoning doesn't work. Time to get out the big guns, son't you think? Seriously, this is a shit situation. You've been left in tears? He really doesn't give a toss.

Do not have a child with this man. Consider looking for a better partner to have children with.

basically lazy & thoughtless & has very low standards. I don't know how to change his mindset
Seriously???! Don't even try. Fuck him off for someone who is none of these things! What on earth are you finding attractive about those qualities?

Please don't have a child with this man in the current situation.

I never understand why women do it all in the first place. Why??

If they do that their invariably have dc who don't think it's their job to help either and the vicious cycle perpetuates!

Best to draw up a list pre moving in as to who does what and stick to it!

Your dh is still stuck at the toddler stage op and hasn't even learnt the basics of how to hang out laundry or even do it without being asked!

Stop doing things for him and leave YOUR laundry for him to do but don't turn it into an argument, keep pleasant!

Expect him to shop, clean, wash and basically be kind and thoughtful.

If he hasn't got it in his DNA to be kind and thoughtful to you then you certainly don't want to be passing those genes on!

I've tried talking to him & he says he'll get better, but never does

've tried reasoning, I've often been left in tears & he promises to improve

He almost certainly isn't going to change.

The only thing that might get him to change - might - is if you actually leave him. If you are important enough to him, he might change. It would be unwise to bank on it though.

I think you have to decide if you're willing to put up with doing all the work for .. well, for ever. Child included because if he doesn't do it now, he sure won't when a child comes. Or if you want to give him an ultimatum knowing that you might have to leave him.

If he genuinely tries to change, that's something you can build on. But he sounds like he's got it good right now, and doesn't want to bother. Pretty promises are enough.

Unfortunately, you can't trust him when he says he will do something because actions speak louder than words. He breaks his promises.

I think there's much better men out there to have a relationship. Nice fun personality is one thing, but the underlying character is just as important in the long run.

I have finally realised that I have been misunderstanding the meaning of the words 'great dad'. All this time I had thought it was a man who took an equal part in bringing up his children, setting a good example and teaching them how to be well rounded grown ups.

After reading a myriad of threads on mumsnet where these words are used I have suddenly realised that what it actually means is an unpleasant man child with no respect for anyone apart from himself who will take only a cursory interest in some of the least tedious parts of their child's life.

Phew! Now I have that straight these posts make so much more sense.

He WONT be a great dad. Being a dad is about mind-numbingly boring repetitive tasks, nappies, sterilising, feeding, tidying, ensuring you have baby wipes "in stock" at home, making sure you have clothing for the relevant season, wiping noses, playing the same god-awful peekaboo games 100 times, etc etc etc.

He's already shown he likes to leave crap jobs to you. I guarantee 100% you'd be left with the "parenting" job too.

PinkiePiesCupcakes has a great post further up. In fact loads of people have said things that are spot on.

Parenting is HARD, BORING, EXHAUSTING, REPETITIVE (3 under 5 here) don't even think about leaping into it with someone half-arsed.

he is basically lazy & thoughtless & has very low standards

But you still think he'll be a great dad?? No, he won't. He'll be crap. And all the things that annoy you now about him will be multiplied x 100 when there's a baby in the mix.

Parenting is 99.99% complicated drudgery

There is a moment that a thank my lucky stars. And that moment is when DD has a tummy bug, has thrown up on the last clean sheets and is crying and covered in vomit. DH grabs the sheets, says, "you get her into the bath, I'll get the bed sorted". He mocks up larger bed sheets into a usable bed for DD while I bath a miserable child and DD is back in bed and feeling better withing minutes. This happens once a year at least (terrible vomiter is DD).

If your DH is not that man, life is less good. DH is a wonderful father. But it's not playing tag or bouncing her on his knee. It's shitwork and being a team.

DD used to be a mummy's girl until a particularly bad run of norovirus, when we all got it in turns. I was so ill at the same time as her. DH stayed up for three nights with her. After that, she knew that he was there even when times were rough.

There are shades of grey - he is emotionally supportive, challenges me in a great way and is ultimately my best friend. His mother is very similar and her house is extremely unkempt/ dirty - so I can see where he gets it.

It makes me sad to read the posts - but I know they are right - if I were to read my original post I'd likely reply in a similar way! I am tired of constantly having to ask for him to do things, picking up after him etc,. When he leaves dirty clothes on the floor, wet towel on the bed, dishes in the sink - it just shows how little he thinks of me in all honesty and a complete lack of respect.

He always tells me how much he loves me etc - but a poster above was right, all I want are actions, his words are starting to mean very little.

So...I think I am going to try and proceed on the basis of just doing my housework, my washing etc. I may take him out, sit him down and tell him I'm staying on contraception until I feel suitably supported & until we can discuss the future in an adult manner. I hope that isn't too manipulative - but I think it is the only way to forge a positive future.

Appreciate all your thoughts!

Oh, the lofty Family Provider he sounds like a bellend OP and that when you have a baby you will gradually find yourself forced into becoming his housekeeper as 'he works'. If you become a SAHM he'll hold that over you every moment, and if you don't, you'll be looking after a baby, your home and him, because I guarantee he won't change.

I know that sounds harsh but women are on here all the time upset because they're trapped with a lazy arse of a husband with no time for themselves or anything else.

hmm, you're obviously in it for the long haul with him.
best of luck. you'll need it.

you are, of course, doing women in your vicinity a big favour by keeping him out of circulation so he can't fuck up some other poor woman's life.
he is your burden to carry forever and ever and ever.
it leaves other possible female victims off the hook.
he doesn't really love you or respect you because if he did, he wouldn't keep on being a selfish prick.

I sympathise a bit more with the OP. My DH sounds a bit like yours - he was crap at doing anything I called 'non-deadline' i.e. he'd shop and cook because we needed to eat, he'd wash because else he'd run out of clothes, but he would rarely notice the bathroom needed cleaning and never the floors or kitchen cupboards. I genuinely think he had lower standards than me because I sometimes didn't do anything either because I was too cross/ busy and he'd quite happily ignore it all. However, in all other aspects, he was and is my ideal man; incredibly loving, kind, funny, smart, attentive, just a lovely guy. I hated the arguments over chores (and it was the no.1 cause of rows) but equally, I wasn't going to chuck away a man I adored because he didn't sweep the skirting boards! I complained, I nagged, I yelled and he did improve over the years but I confess the problem was only really solved by getting a cleaner. The monthly outlay on that to remove virtually the only source of disagreement between us was well worth it. I am pregnant now and he has continued to be absolutely lovely and talks amiably about how he's expecting to change all the gross nappies I can't face and how since I've carried the baby for 9 months, he will carry him about for the next 9 in a baby sling I believe he will - after all, these are immediate must-do tasks not distant dust and grime.

I guess what I'm saying is, I don't join in the LTB chorus and he might well be a great dad. However, right now his broodiness gives you some great leverage to make a lasting change in his attitude to cleaning etc. If nothing has worked up to now, it's definitely worth a try to say no baby till you man up. I'd also definitely stop doing anything that doesn't affect you directly like his washing/ironing etc - he'll soon do it when he's got nothing left to wear. And don't entrust him with your washing - do your own!! Good luck!!

X-post with you, OP - honestly, your frustrations remind me so much of mine in pre-cleaner days. Definitely worth trying to change him before you bin him though! I honestly think sometimes people in a relationship genuinely have different standards. Hope you find a compromise.

Good luck Cuppa. If your DH has any residual lazy traits your new baby will light those up like the Blackpool Illuminations. Assurances of chipping in with nappy-changing is always raised by those in pre-baby phase as the ultimate sign of a good man....trust me, nappies are ABSOLUTELY NOTHING compared to the cumulative nature of everything else.

OP - Pinkie upthread is a man, so it's not just a chorus of bitter women warning you off. Sounds like you're making the right choice, though. Definitely not a LTB situation yet, but adding a baby would definitely turn it into one.