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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you are fit to work, does that = fit to have a child?

52 replies

ElizaDontlittle · 05/12/2016 11:31

This is running through my mind as I work things out about my situation and what to do. My heart is longing for a child, but I don't want to be unfair to that child, by having me as it's mother.

I'm have a mobility disability and a chronic illness that required emergency surgery this year (bowel related). I'm in my 30s (so may not even be able to conceive) and DH is 50. I am fit to work - although hanging on to my job by my fingernails due to my health problems and being in hospital for about 6 weeks of this year.

I read of mums not fit to work but raising children but I think most of them were pretty well at the time of birth - is it fair to go into it knowing that you will be a poorer parent than many, by being limited in this way?? Do you 'judge' disabled/ill parents in some way?
I guess my AIBU is - if I'm fit to work am I unreasonable to feel I would be unfit to parent?

OP posts:
Namejustfornappies · 05/12/2016 11:35

I think it depends on how much help you have that you can rely on - at least in the early years. Could you afford a nanny / mothers help, or have close family able and willing? Would your partner be risking his job if he took time off to care for your child when you are I'll?
It's doable, but you need to plan it IMHO.

FilledSoda · 05/12/2016 11:36

Is your condition likely to worsen over the years?
I would have concerns about a child being a carer.
Your husband is in good health?

Arfarfanarf · 05/12/2016 11:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dawndonnaagain · 05/12/2016 11:36

If you want a child, have a child. It's not the place of anyone to judge your choices, and if they do, they are the lesser person. If you can care for your child, give said child lots of love, then what more can it need?
You will not be a lesser parent because of a disability. There are many parents who do not have a disability, who are rubbish parents, my mother (who was a headteacher) included.

user1477282676 · 05/12/2016 11:37

If you had to stop work and you had a baby, would you be able to manage financially?

MissVictoria · 05/12/2016 11:39

In my personal situation the answer would be no. Severe OCD since i was a very little girl, and depression for over 12 years. I've never been fit to work, but in the unlikely scenario i improved enough to work, i still wouldn't even be close to capable of raising a child, I need a carer myself.

DailyMailCrap · 05/12/2016 11:40

What is your disability? Is it progressive? How would it impact you to carry and care for a child? You are just 30 - are you able to wait a year or two to let current health problems settle? don't think about it in terms of the impact to baby, think of it in terms of impact to you now.

Happymumof3tobe · 05/12/2016 11:40

It's not for anyone to judge. However you need to think is your condition likely to worsen...? Do you have support other than dh? I grew up with a mother who was supposedly 'ill' whole other thread. Buy I ended up being her carer and looking after my siblings. As long as that's not something that looks like it's going to happen and you feel that you can support and look after the child then go for it! But only you know your limits and abilities. We can't make the decision for you. Good luck with whatever you decidecide to do. I apologise if my message seems a bit abrupt xxxFlowers

Original poster
ElizaDontlittle · 05/12/2016 11:40

No family, and we are not high earners (now I am working less - DH earns significantly less) - and DH though well, is older, and already has (an adult) a child.
I will generally get worse but over decades.
I'm just sad, I guess, that the responsible choice is so painful.

OP posts:
DailyMailCrap · 05/12/2016 11:42

My cousin is out of work due to severe Chrohns and has a colostomy but has managed to adopt - so parenting wouldn't necessarily be linked to ability to work.

Original poster
ElizaDontlittle · 05/12/2016 11:43

I have lots of friends, they have become my family really. And I am the main earner - which is a whole other thread really!

MissVictoria thank you for your post and your experience. Does it sadden you or are you too busy coping with life as it is?

OP posts:
Original poster
ElizaDontlittle · 05/12/2016 11:44

DMC that puzzles me - if not fit to work, which you can leave behind at the end of the day, how on earth can anyone be - or rather, feel they are, as it's more about that really, having that confidence - fit to parent?

OP posts:
veryveryVERYdarkblue · 05/12/2016 11:45

I have MS , I work 4 days, I have a child. I may get much much worse, I may get a bit worse, I may just bumble along as I am now. You do what is right for you. You get what support you can. You manage.

amammabear · 05/12/2016 11:48

I have Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. Having the children has progressed my condition (which was previously undiagnosed. I'm no longer able to work, but that doesn't mean I can't care for my children as I have family support etc- family can't go in and do my job for me however.

WorraLiberty · 05/12/2016 11:49

How would you manage financially?

Original poster
ElizaDontlittle · 05/12/2016 11:52

very did you know about the MS before you had a child?
Worra that's the (or one of the) big practical questions really. What if I couldn't work and with PIP being as it is, still didn't qualify. We live quite carefully, small mortgage, some savings, and disposable income is put towards UK holidays so there are cutbacks. But it's another whole area I'd feel like a poorer parent. My FT colleagues have decent second incomes and I am in a totally different situation.

OP posts:
veryveryVERYdarkblue · 05/12/2016 11:55

No I didn't know about the MS before she was born. I have a family member with more severe ms than me who is also a parent. That would tell me that one does not cancel out the other.

DailyMailCrap · 05/12/2016 11:56

My cousin believed that she could be a good mother and wanted more than anything to adopt and give a child a good home. The LA supported her but wanted her to try fostering first as a test and she was brilliant. She had to quit her job because in her line of work it is v v difficult to work with a colostomy bag - she doesn't get regular breaks, and might not even be in a place with toilets. Doesn't impact her parenting though - she can drive her children around, do drop offs and play dates and all the other things parents do.

DailyMailCrap · 05/12/2016 11:58

I know someone who decided to get pregnant after she was diagnosed with MS. She doesn't regret it even though doctors believe pregnancy might have progressed her condition.

AndNowItsSeven · 05/12/2016 11:59

I am disabled ,almost wheelchair bound and have seven dc.
I won't have anymore because of the toll on my body but I would never have not had them due to my disability.

AndNowItsSeven · 05/12/2016 12:00

Amamabear - do you mind if I pm you? I think my dd may have ED.

RhodaBorrocks · 05/12/2016 12:00

I'm a disabled single parent to a disabled child. I'm fit to work but there have been times when I haven't been. I've relied heavily on family in those times (I've had 8 operations in the past 5 years). I don't get PIP but I get other benefits like tax credits and HB.

I had health issues before I had DS and even though he was unplanned i knew he might be my only chance, so I took it. He is definitely the best thing I've ever done and I've found reserves of strength I never knew I had (I went full time when he was 3 and my relationship broke down). I'm not saying it would definitely be the same from you, but my experience is that my DS has made me more driven. Like a PP I have Ehlers-danlos Syndrome.

WorraLiberty · 05/12/2016 12:02

Ahh I see OP.

But to answer your question, no, being fit to work doesn't always = fit to have a child.

For example if someone has an office job where they're sat at a desk for most of the day and then they clock off at 5pm, that's obviously different to 24hr parenting.

Even with lots of support, it's still very different.

However, it's something only you and your DH can decide after weighing it all up.

Marynary · 05/12/2016 12:12

I had children knowing that I had a chronic progressive illness that was likely to get worse (although nobody knew how quickly) . I was well at the time I had them and took into account the fact that DH would be a good parent. My children are now teenagers and I still work and care for them as well as any other parent. Some people will disapprove (although I have only had one disapproving comment and that was from a nurse!) but only you know your situation.

HHH3 · 05/12/2016 12:27

I have MS and have 2 children. One was born before I knew I had it and one after (the younger one has SNs as well). Due to various circumstances I'm also now a single parent. I also now can't work.

It's hard at times because I get so tired and there are some things I'd like to do with them that I can't. And I do worry sometimes about getting worse and not being able to care for them. But no one knows what the future holds - I could get run over by a bus tomorrow!

I wouldn't change my decisions though. They're the best thing that's ever happened to me. I'm not the best parent in the world but who is? We all do our best and we can't do any more than that.