If you are fit to work, does that = fit to have a child?

[ElizaDontlittle]

This is running through my mind as I work things out about my situation and what to do. My heart is longing for a child, but I don't want to be unfair to that child, by having me as it's mother.

I'm have a mobility disability and a chronic illness that required emergency surgery this year (bowel related). I'm in my 30s (so may not even be able to conceive) and DH is 50. I am fit to work - although hanging on to my job by my fingernails due to my health problems and being in hospital for about 6 weeks of this year.

I read of mums not fit to work but raising children but I think most of them were pretty well at the time of birth - is it fair to go into it knowing that you will be a poorer parent than many, by being limited in this way?? Do you 'judge' disabled/ill parents in some way?
I guess my AIBU is - if I'm fit to work am I unreasonable to feel I would be unfit to parent?

I had rheumatoid arthritis before my children were born, and when medication wasn't as effective as now. For quite a lot of their childhood I hobbled about on a walking stick, and had very little support from the DH at the time, but it all worked out just fine. I worked full time as well.

My own mother also had RA, was housebound and us kids had to do a lot more than other kids, but we didn't mind one bit.

Your DCs won't know anything different and will go with the flow. If you have a physical disability but they know they are loved and cared for they will do much better than children born to healthy parents who don't care.

I've had to change my line of work - we can't all just 'quit' because of that sort of thing. I've got an ileostomy - so much more output than a colostomy, much less predictable, and continuous - and I've had to change with it to something more manageable. Although, it's much easier to empty a bag out and about than if you need the toilet conventionally - so I don't allow it to interfere with normal life if I can help it. I wish it was a colostomy tbh. But we are all different. And I am also paralysed below the knees from an accident, so can't drive or do that sort of "normal" stuff. Sorry - realised my frustration is overflowing. Apologies if that seemed judgemental, it was just pain talking.

Seven do you mind me asking how you cope with eg toddlers that run off and playing more physically with your children? I have noted with friends DC that I can do everything with them til 18m-2ish and then they find me a bit boring for a couple of years as I can't run around until jigsaws and lego and painting become a bigger 'thing' around age 4. And how you provide financially if you are unable to work?

I am finding all the posts really helpful - it's so hard to talk about in real life and DH thinks we are just about coping, why rock the boat. But he tries to understand the longing.

I have a birth defect I have 2 children both adults now it wasn't easy sometimes bit Dh was very supportive if you want to try for a baby try. Friend of mine has 5 children and her youngest 2 were after her Ms diagnosis

The 'skills' necessary to parent are not necessarily the same as those necessary to hold down a job.
Eg, I have had periods of being unfit to work due to IBD. Getting out of the house was almost impossible some days, but I don't need to go out/do a commute to parent.
I also have had periods of gynae issues which stopped me working, but again coping with pain when I can sit comfortably at home is not the same as doing it in a busy job.
The two don't necessarily have anything to do with each other.

As a midwife for many years I saw lots of women with all sorts of disabilities having babies. They mainly did very well although do consider the effects of pregnancy on your condition. Take advice on how it may fluctuate.

As you've had so much trauma and surgery this year I would suggest taking more time,meven another year to get yourself as fit and well as humanly possible. And also to save as much as possible so you have a financial cushion.

How hands on is dh? There is quite an age gap, does he have DC from a previous relationship or is he just ambivalent? He truly does need to be on board to do his share and possibly more.

Regarding benefit, I'm astonished you don't qualify for PIP. Have you had proper advice on this? Do ask at CAB for help with making another application. If you are paralysed from the knees down you should surely be getting higher rate mobility which qualifies you to join Motability and get an adapted car. You might well also qualify for tax credits etc if you have DC and your income goes down.

There are so many angles to this but once the longing for a baby is there it tends to stay so I'd be looking at being as practical as possible to see how you can make it work not if you can make it work.

Only you and your partner can decide if it will work for you and I would never presume to say that you should not have a child you desperately want.

However, I think this
If you want a child, have a child
is very wrong. Not everyone will be able to make a suitable parent.

Although of course I love them to death, I never intended to have children and never should have done. I am a single parent. I have anorexia, bipolar and possible anxiety/OCD which a) do or could affect their lives and b) could be passed on, either genetically or by example. I am not a good parent.

However, I can and do work full time and that's not a problem. There's a huge difference between being able to work and able to raise a child. Many people are capable of doing one well but not the other. Many can do both and some can do neither.

Also. People can become disabled at any time. You may start off in perfect physical and mental health and have a family and then it can all go tits up. If you start off with difficulties you've already learnt to manage within constraints before throwing children into the mix.
At least, that's how I look at it.

I did work before i had dc1 but i found i couldnt manage both for me it just wouldnt work I didnt have the energy to do both.

A very personal decision that only you can make. I have chronic health problems, but would not have a child, if I did not think I could look after them now and in the future. So prognosis matters too. I do not think it is fair to have a child knowing that you will not be able to look after them properly in the future, or that they will end up being your carer.

Given your health, and that you earn more than your DH (if I've read correctly), how would your DH feel about, taking extended parental leave (so you took, say 3 months maternity, then he took the next 9 months)? Would you seek outside childcare for your child, or would one of you stay at home with them while they were under 5?

Both my DH and I work part time, in office jobs. We would both say we go to work for a rest. DH's health has been (unexpectedly) variable since DD was born, but he's managed to stay in work. However there have been months when he's been OK to work, but not really fit to care for a toddler. How would that work for you?

You mention not much family support. We're in the same position, but do have good friends - DH has had emergency admissions to hospital, including when so unwell he couldn't recall what medication he'd had when (which was important). We have a good number of friends we can (and have) call(ed) on in that situation. Would you have the same?

I don't have the answer, but hopefully these are helpful questions.

To answer your question, no I wouldn't judge a disabled woman for having children, not at all.
If you are talking about a physical disability, my advice would be to try to imagine the day with a baby, how would you get him in/out of bed, will you need to go up/down stairs a lot, are you able to easily get down at floor level, will you be able to change nappies (ie either you will need to carry the baby up to a changing table or you will need to get down and change him at floor level). Will you be able to push a buggy or use a baby carrier, etc.

I didnt carry my babies a lot as they got older and wriggly i lifted them and i had baby seats i used to push about the house you do learn to adapt to things but you do need full support of your partner even though Dh worked he took his turn he let me rest when i needed to and ran about the park

I have an ileostomy too OP and I have a DS, being ill with IBD before my op was more of a parental challenge than my situation now, I was quite ill for a long time. My ileostomy gave me back my life.

I don't think anyone can really answer the question for you, it's such a personal decision but having read what you've written I'd say you were in a better position to have a child than a lot of people who do actually have children. You find a system and cut your cloth to suit when a child comes along, you can make it work.

I know 3 people with ME whom have two children each. They are not fit enough for paid work. They have very involved husbands who have very little free time, massively supportive families and have used childcare from a young age. Without a support network they wouldn't manage.

I'm just sad, I guess, that the responsible choice is so painful.

I think you know the answer OP. It isn't about judging disabled parents (those who do don't have opinions worth considering) but you being fully aware, before you try to have a child that your husbands older than 'ideal' and you with mobility disabilities.

All I'd say is that parenting is the most demanding thing I've ever done and that you're 'hanging on' to your job.

Re driving: you can learn to drive with hand controls. When I'm at my worst I can't use my legs - and that's when I'd need to drive even more than normal. So I learnt to drive with hand controls (had never driven before) so that I'm always able to get my and the kids about.

buggerForTheBottle - my Mum was very disabled and Dad was a similar age to the OP's DH when I was born, and neither made a bit of difference to whether it was appropriate for them to become parents in the first place, or how well they managed. I wouldn't have changed either of them for the world.

Eliza my four little ones aged, 1, 2, 2 and 4 go to nursery four mornings a week. I pick them up at 1pm . The nursery staff are great and put them in the car for me. Then a neighbour or friend or my teenage daughter ( when not in college) helps take them in the house. The nursery keeps the children outside most of the time even in December so running about using lots of energy.
Then in the afternoon they nap followed by CBeebies etc. Dd5 aged 12 is home at 3.30 and will often play with them . Also dd3 who is five gets home the and she likes to organise them playing schools mummies and daddies etc.
Dh gets home around six. We are very fortunate that he earns a good wage so I don't need to work, and we can afford nursery and a lady who cleans and dies the majority of the laundry.
We have extensive life insurance in case anything were to happen to dh.
I do know how lucky I am to having help, without it we wouldn't have been able to have as many dc.
If you are on a lower income and are a sahm you would receive tax credits to pay for childcare even if only your dh works as long as you receive pip/dla.

StillSmall. I'm sure you wouldn't. I've no doubt they were wonderful parents and I didn't mean to suggest they weren't.

I don't want to upset the OP as they're clearly trying make a very difficult decision.

I do think that having children should be a decision though, based on your ability to look after them. Factors included are financial, age and mental and physical ability. I wouldn't have another child now as I'm getting on a bit (chance of baby having a disability are higher), I'd be nearly 70 when they were doing their A Levels and it would be physically harder than it was with the first two.

I'm not for a second suggesting that you didn't have great parents but of course it made a difference as to how well they managed. I've had my own problems and it made a difference to how well I managed.

Sorry re toddlers running off I only ever take one toddler at a time with a harness and on my knee. Only had one running off incident in Matalan - I just shouted the staff and they grabbed dd.
I drive everywhere though , if I was to go to the park for example dh or one of my older girls would come to help.

Sorry more post!
We were given an adapted cot by a charity plus they supply a pram that attaches to a wheelchair. Pm me if you want details.
Also just wanted to say my dc, even the two year old twins understand what mummy can and can't do. I really wouldn't let your disability stop you from being a mother.

Andnow of** course! Sorry I didn't see it earlier.

Feel sorry for you

Sorry but I wouldn't in your situation.

For your DH was younger or wealthier / higher earner it would be different.

Lots of men in their 50s get health problems I know and no way could look after a little one FT or after work with a wife in poor health

I don't mean to cause offence but maybe you could offer to have friends children for the weekend a few times a year or become the default 'babysitter' or 'aunt' type figure? Some of my female friends have become this to my DC and see them a lot and are actually very involved in their lives.

Wishing you peace.

No one has caused offence - not to me anyway. I've valued every input.

So many people doing an amazing job in tough circumstances. Seven my hat off to you especially with how you manage your days - your older children sound fab!

I suspect I shall remain mad cat lady but am blessed to be "Aunty Eliza" to a number of unrelated children and so I have much to be grateful for.

I have MS and that's what propelled me into a decision to start a family asap.

I had a seriously bad first attack with multiple symptoms and I decided I'd get better, but was in a hurry to get pregnant asap so I could start disease modifying drugs if I needed to (you can't fall pregnant on the treatment that were available back then).

I didn't factor in that I wouldn't make a full recovery and I'd have further relapses, and that I'd lose my job through ill health. But these beautiful lives are such a joy to me, and I believe I'm able to be a good Mum despite my very real limitations. My children dote on me and I am there for them. They know they're loved. The way I see it is some able-bodied people aren't good parents, and some disabled are brilliant ones. And vice versa. So what I'm saying is the two things are separate. What you are sensing perhaps is the guilt that people carry over parenting with a disability. I reckon you'd find a different guilt if it wasn't that though. It's parenthood!

I will fight allowing them to be my carers with every bone in my body though. I think it's really important. What happens is that I make sure there are substitutes for where I lack physically, and they always have me to come home to.