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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not ask her to be a bridesmaid

66 replies

rollinghedgehog · 05/12/2016 10:25

This relates to my three friends, let’s call them Emma, Sarah and Jane. I have known Emma since school. She is getting married and I am going to be her bridesmaid.

I met Sarah at university. After university Sarah moved away but introduced me to Jane (her best friend from school), as we were living in the same city. Jane and I became friends and even lived in the same house share for a just over a year. I am also still friends with Sarah, who has since moved back and is getting married. Jane is her chief bridesmaid and I am a bridesmaid, which I did not expect.

Here’s my AIBU: I have just got engaged. I had thought that I would have two bridesmaids – Emma and Jane – but now my fiancé says I can’t ask Jane (Sarah’s best friend) and not Sarah as I have known Sarah longer and I am being a bridesmaid for her. I do not object to having Sarah as a bridesmaid necessarily, but I really liked the idea of just having two bridesmaids, and I do definitely want Emma and Jane. Is my fiancé right? AIBU to not ask Sarah? Would you be offended by this in her position? Is there such a thing as reciprocal bridesmaid etiquette?

OP posts:

ChicRock · 05/12/2016 10:28

There's no financial reason or otherwise, it's just that for reasons you can't explain, you want two bridesmaids, not three?

Yes that's a big snub to Sarah.

neonrainbow · 05/12/2016 10:28

I think you should ask sarah. I had 2 bridesmaids i wasnt really that bothered about having (family) but it was the right thing to do and they were over the moon to be asked.

Ahickiefromkinickie · 05/12/2016 10:28

Did Sarah just have two bridesmaids (you and Jane)?

If yes, I would ask her to be a BM as well.

PixieMiss · 05/12/2016 10:29

I would ask Sarah but I am a bit of a "people pleaser".

Would she be invited to the whole wedding if she wasn't a bridesmaid?

Coffeeisnecessary · 05/12/2016 10:29

In theory I'd say, your wedding your decision. But tbh if I was Sarah I would probably be a bit offended.

harderandharder2breathe · 05/12/2016 10:29

I think you should have Sarah as well

purplefizz26 · 05/12/2016 10:31

You need to ask all three if you care about hurting anyone's feelings.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 05/12/2016 10:33

All 3 or it could damage the friendship. Sarah will always feel that she isn't thought of as well as the other two.

holidaysaregreat · 05/12/2016 10:34

I think you need to ask Sarah too. She would be upset and it's most likely not worth it in the long run.

Rattusn · 05/12/2016 10:34

Y would bu yes.

Ask all three, otherwise it will come across as a snub, and you risk damaging the friendship.

OzzieFem · 05/12/2016 10:36

Hmm, tricky. So basically while friends with Sarah you have spent the least time with her?

You might find that if you don't ask Sarah to be a bridesmaid then Jane might be upset as well. I guess you need to look at it from the point of view of possibly falling out with two friends not just one, against having three bridesmaids instead of just two. However I think from your original post you can already see this, so don't know why you are AIBU.

The real point is possibly losing two friends against having a third bridesmaid. Only you know if it is worth the risk.

Underthemoonlight · 05/12/2016 10:37

It your a group of close friends it would be mean to exclude her especially when she's asked you to be bridesmaid

PurpleDaisies · 05/12/2016 10:41

It doesn't sound like your friendship group is big enough to only ask Jane. I'd be upset if I were Sarah (although I'd plaster on a fake smile and never mention it).

Why two bridesmaids? You could just ask Emma to avoid the Jane/Sarah issue (or just ask them instead).

Sonders · 05/12/2016 10:46

I think if you're only reason for snubbing Sarah is because of numbers that's a bit rubbish but at the end of the day, it's up to you.

Just be prepared to lose Sarah as a friend and for things to be really awkward between you and Jane, it's not nice but could be reality.

Sonders · 05/12/2016 10:46

I think if you're only reason for snubbing Sarah is because of numbers that's a bit rubbish but at the end of the day, it's up to you.

Just be prepared to lose Sarah as a friend and for things to be really awkward between you and Jane, it's not nice but could be reality.

user1480182169 · 05/12/2016 10:48

Which is more important "liking the idea of 2 bridesmaids" or "snubbing and upsetting your friend for no good reason"

Your wedding, your choice.

KERALA1 · 05/12/2016 10:51

I would ask the 2 you want but ask Sarah to do a reading at the service.

mouldycheesefan · 05/12/2016 10:53

It could cast an issue over the whole event, it isn't worth it. Have the three. Otherwise your wedding will be the one where Sarah was snubbed rather than the one that was a fabulous day.

nocampinghere · 05/12/2016 10:54

your dh is right. ask all 3.

MoreThanUs · 05/12/2016 10:55

Have all 3 if them. Anything else is mean and divisive.

BaggyCheeks · 05/12/2016 10:55

In those circumstances I'd have the three of them. You wouldn't have met Jane if it wasn't for Sarah, so it could be awkward for the friendships if you leave her out.

pinkunicornsarefluffy · 05/12/2016 10:56

I think that Sarah will probably be very hurt if you have the other two and not her.As other posters have said, you could damage the friendship forever, and also upset Jane too. It's just not worth it OP. It is your wedding and your choice, but can you handle the fallout if you don't have Sarah?

29redshoes · 05/12/2016 10:58

Your wedding, your choice and all that. But in your shoes I'd ask all three.

If I were Sarah I'd be upset not to be asked although I'd act like I was fine with it.

ElspethFlashman · 05/12/2016 10:58

All 3.

Think of it this way, everyone is happy and has a reason to be really into the day. And it could be a right laugh getting ready that morning with all three of them.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 05/12/2016 10:59

I only had one bridesmaid, precisely to avoid this kind of situation. I'd be incredibly hurt to be the 'only one' not asked. It's different when there's only one...

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