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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not ask her to be a bridesmaid

66 replies

rollinghedgehog · 05/12/2016 10:25

This relates to my three friends, let’s call them Emma, Sarah and Jane. I have known Emma since school. She is getting married and I am going to be her bridesmaid.

I met Sarah at university. After university Sarah moved away but introduced me to Jane (her best friend from school), as we were living in the same city. Jane and I became friends and even lived in the same house share for a just over a year. I am also still friends with Sarah, who has since moved back and is getting married. Jane is her chief bridesmaid and I am a bridesmaid, which I did not expect.

Here’s my AIBU: I have just got engaged. I had thought that I would have two bridesmaids – Emma and Jane – but now my fiancé says I can’t ask Jane (Sarah’s best friend) and not Sarah as I have known Sarah longer and I am being a bridesmaid for her. I do not object to having Sarah as a bridesmaid necessarily, but I really liked the idea of just having two bridesmaids, and I do definitely want Emma and Jane. Is my fiancé right? AIBU to not ask Sarah? Would you be offended by this in her position? Is there such a thing as reciprocal bridesmaid etiquette?

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 05/12/2016 11:30

You can't do this, leave one out of your friendship group, especailly the one that introduced you to Jane, that is mean. Either you have all three, or you have one, and another different BM.

Original poster

rollinghedgehog · 05/12/2016 11:31

Plus as a bridesmaid I can keep her busy and away from the people I know don't get on with her! Poor Sarah, she's not coming off well from this. I promise she is a lovely friend in real life!!

OP posts:

amammabear · 05/12/2016 11:33

I had three adult bridesmaids, one who didn't really know the other two, so the night before the wedding, the two who knew each other shared a room and the one who didn't really know them shared with me even though she wasn't the chief bridesmaid (i wish she had been now though).

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 05/12/2016 11:35

Good, glad you've decided to include Sarah in your BM lineup. I do think it would have been a massive snub to Sarah if you chose not to ask her, especially since she has asked you to be her BM as well!

Who is getting married first, Emma or Sarah? Ask the first one to be matron of honour and the other one can then be one of your 2 remaining bridesmaids.

Castleheights · 05/12/2016 11:43

Im glad I have 5 sisters and never have to face this
I'm going to backtrack based on your updates. Don't have anyone you don't want to, i have stored indefinitely the photos of my dd baptism, I didn't want a particular friend to be a godmother, she assumed the role and we don't talk now, so my photos are a sore point.

SandyFeet177 · 05/12/2016 11:50

If you're being Sarah's bridesmaid too, I'd definitely ask her. It would hurt her feelings and make things awkward. I'm curious and, obviously, you don't have to answer this if you don't want to, but has Sarah annoyed you in any way? Is there another reason other than numbers? At the end of the day though, it's up to you, it's your wedding.

Hardshoulder · 05/12/2016 11:50

From what you've said you only want the 2 bridesmaids, and even if you wanted 3 there are friends you're closer to than Sarah you'd rather ask. Where do you draw the line? If other friends know you're less close to Sarah than to them, what if they get upset at not being one of the three and her being asked over you? Trying to please everyone else means you make compromises on a day thats about you and your partner.

This. I think it would be crazy to ask someone to be your bridesmaid purely because (a) she asked you (b) of her friendship with one of your other bridesmaids and (c) the fact that she introduced you originally, when there are other friends you are closer to and would rather ask - what about these other friends? If we're considering everyone's potentially hurt feelings, are they likely to think it odd that someone you're far less close to got chosen over them?

SENPARENT · 05/12/2016 11:53

I agree if you have Jane and not Sarah, you risk losing one friendship, if not two. In the situation you are proposing, I would be very hurt and upset if I was in Sarah's position.
Why not have Emma and one of your other friends?

gillybeanz · 05/12/2016 11:54

I think it would be mean, you've known Sarah longer and wouldn't have met Jane otherwise.
Why are you even thinking of not asking Sarah?

itsbetterthanabox · 05/12/2016 11:56

Is this what Wendying is?

SandyFeet177 · 05/12/2016 12:01

Sorry, just read what you said about her being a bit annoying. Missed that bit, I'd still have her personally. I had 12 bridesmaids, yes 12, this was 25 years ago and they were all my nieces, we have a massive family, 12 girls, 3 boys and at that point there were just 12 girls, the 3 boys came afterwards and there was no way I was going to pick one above another one, so I had them all on the proviso that their parents bought their dresses and shoes! They're grown up now, we are all good close friends and we're all glad I did, it was chaos but they looked adorable and felt special on the day.

frostyfingers · 05/12/2016 12:15

I had 2 bridesmaids, but my longest standing & closest friend asked specifically not to be a bridesmaid so she was sort of a maid of honour - no matching frock which was her idea of hell but was closely involved in all the prep and build up. Is there a "not exactly a bridesmaid" role you could get Sarah to do?

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 05/12/2016 12:26

I think you have to ask Sarah too. I had a similar situation and didn't ask one of my oldest friends to be a bridesmaid (also had logistical issues as she lives in the US). She was lovely about it, but I felt increasingly uncomfortable about not having asked her ... then it was too late ... then around last minute wedding organisation she was more helpful than anyone else! I didn't feel better about the whole situation until over a year later when I asked her to be my ds's godmother (instead of my other bridesmaids)! Felt like I'd finally rectified the situation.

DailyMailCrap · 05/12/2016 12:26

I was brought up that if you're a bridesmaid for someone then they should also be asked. I married last out of all my friends and had 10 bridesmaids and 15 flower girls (flowergirls were daughters of women who couldn't be a bridesmaid for various reasons). I actually don't remember any part of my wedding before we said our vows due to nerves etc but was told by others that it was beautiful.

scottishdiem · 05/12/2016 12:51

If you were her bridesmaids you have to ask her to be yours. Otherwise be prepared for a long time of hurt, confusion and friend break-ups because of it. Other friends who might have been in front of Sarah can be told you were just going for two but since you were Sarahs you had to ask her by way of reciprocation.

Aeroflotgirl · 05/12/2016 12:57

Excactly! If you did not ask her to be bridesmaid, and Emma and Jane, that would be a massive snub, I would be prepared for her not to come to your wedding, and not to be your friend anymore. Your DH is absolutely right. By the sounds of it, you don't like her very much, and seem very embarassed by her! I hope she's not a Mumsnetter!

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