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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not ask her to be a bridesmaid

66 replies

rollinghedgehog · 05/12/2016 10:25

This relates to my three friends, let’s call them Emma, Sarah and Jane. I have known Emma since school. She is getting married and I am going to be her bridesmaid.

I met Sarah at university. After university Sarah moved away but introduced me to Jane (her best friend from school), as we were living in the same city. Jane and I became friends and even lived in the same house share for a just over a year. I am also still friends with Sarah, who has since moved back and is getting married. Jane is her chief bridesmaid and I am a bridesmaid, which I did not expect.

Here’s my AIBU: I have just got engaged. I had thought that I would have two bridesmaids – Emma and Jane – but now my fiancé says I can’t ask Jane (Sarah’s best friend) and not Sarah as I have known Sarah longer and I am being a bridesmaid for her. I do not object to having Sarah as a bridesmaid necessarily, but I really liked the idea of just having two bridesmaids, and I do definitely want Emma and Jane. Is my fiancé right? AIBU to not ask Sarah? Would you be offended by this in her position? Is there such a thing as reciprocal bridesmaid etiquette?

OP posts:

Original poster

rollinghedgehog · 05/12/2016 10:59

Thanks for all the quick responses. You are right I do know the answer already really.

It is partly a financial thing - wanting to pay for nice dresses/ accomodation for my bridesmaids so not having too many - and also I have other friends who I see more than Sarah, who I would probably choose before her were it not for the Sarah/Jane relationship. I feel horrible considering my 'order' of friends like this.

I like the idea of readings though. I might ask two other friends who I would have put ahead of Sarah (ugh, there I go again) to do that.

OP posts:

Serin · 05/12/2016 10:59

Agree with other posters, I would ask all 3.

You will make everyone feel awkward if you leave Sarah out.

(is 2 your lucky number?)

Castleheights · 05/12/2016 11:00

If you want to remain friends you have to ask Emma.

Furthermore how fucking arkward for the two you do want as bridesmaids .

budgiegirl · 05/12/2016 11:02

I'd ask all three, or just Emma. I think you'd cause a lot of bad feeling if you ask Jane but not Emma.
If it's a financial issue, choose cheaper dresses etc.

budgiegirl · 05/12/2016 11:03

Sorry - if you ask jane but not Sarah

Somerville · 05/12/2016 11:03

Yes I agree with PP's (and with what you thought deep down, I assume from your 2nd post) that you should ask Sarah. It is rude, imo, to not ask someone to be a bridesmaid when you have accepted their request to be their bridesmaid. Unless you are not having adult bridesmaids at all, or have 5 sisters or something.

CaraAspen · 05/12/2016 11:05

I would also feel uncomfortable about placing friends in order. Ask all three.

Mistletoetastic · 05/12/2016 11:05

As you are all bridesmaid together for Sarah's wedding it might make it difficult if you don't ask her to be yours tbh, maybe you will get closer to her during wedding planning?

If you have just got engaged do you really need to choose/announce bridesmaids right now? Just enjoy the engagement

BaggyCheeks · 05/12/2016 11:06

There is secret third option - Just have Emma. Longest standing friend, and no awkwardness between two other friends.

CaraAspen · 05/12/2016 11:06

In addition, you are to be a bridesmaid at her wedding. That makes it very much worse if you hurt her.

Candlestickchick · 05/12/2016 11:06

Congratulations on the engagement!

The decisions you make about your wedding are up to you, but as a fellow bride to be who has been engaged a year, the advice I would give is that it is best to plan a wedding that is thoughtful and sensitive to others. Ordinary rules of offending people don't get suspended when it's a wedding. Sarah would be offended and you can't blame her. You would be sending a very clear message about her relative importance to you.

On your wedding day, it will be worth it to have guests who genuinely wish you well rather than ones who have turned up thinking you've been a bit of a dick about the whole thing.

Hellochicken · 05/12/2016 11:07

Emma or all 3.

deeedeee · 05/12/2016 11:08

Imagine the reverse AIBU

"AIBU to be upset at my friend . I'm getting married and have asked my friends hedgehog and Jane. I've known Jane since school, and hedgehog since university.
I introduced the two of them after hedgehog and I finished university and they went on to house share. The three of us are friends.

Hedgehog is getting married this year too, and I've recently found out that she's asked Jane to be her bridesmaid, but not me! Obviously she's entitled to ask who she wants, but I'm so hurt. She wouldn't even know Jane if it wasn't for me, and she's my bridesmaid. I know it's childish but I feel gutted, like she's snubbed our friendship. "

Candlestickchick · 05/12/2016 11:08

That wasn't intended do to imply you've been a bit of a dick btw, it's general proposition!

ElinoristhenewEnid · 05/12/2016 11:08

I always thought that bridesmaids were the unmarried friends of the bride so therefore you cannot have a reciprocal agreement!

PurpleDaisies · 05/12/2016 11:08

You're out of date elinor.

Trifleorbust · 05/12/2016 11:09

You can obviously do whatever you like but the reasonable thing to do would be to ask Sarah. What's it going to cost you, an extra £200? I would just do it.

Bluntness100 · 05/12/2016 11:10

I also agree you need to ask all three. Is there something else behind you not wishing Sarah to be your bridesmaid? You seem to be more against than you initially put forward, even to the extent of considering others first.

Kel1234 · 05/12/2016 11:10

I agree, Sarah should be asked as well.

Branleuse · 05/12/2016 11:12

you have to ask all three unless you specifically want to hurt feelings and make things awkward

Olympiathequeen · 05/12/2016 11:19

To not ask her would be mean and rude.

MissVictoria · 05/12/2016 11:24

I don't really agree with all the above posts tbh. Just because you've known somebody longer, doesn't mean you're automatically closer to that person. And whilst yes, you wouldn't know Jane if Sarah hadn't introduced you, that doesn't mean you can't be closer to Jane. Sarah lived away, and from the sounds of it whilst she has now moved back to the area you don't see her very often. Where as, Jane has been around locally and you became very good friends and see her more often than Sarah. IMO if Sarah is a decent friend, she'll understand that its YOUR day, and that you only want 2 bridesmaids and picked the 2 friends you're closest to. The fact she has known you longer and introduced you to one of those friends should be irrelevant.

If someone expects to be asked to be your bridesmaid just because they asked you to be their bridesmaid, that isn't a great attitude.
From what you've said you only want the 2 bridesmaids, and even if you wanted 3 there are friends you're closer to than Sarah you'd rather ask. Where do you draw the line? If other friends know you're less close to Sarah than to them, what if they get upset at not being one of the three and her being asked over you? Trying to please everyone else means you make compromises on a day thats about you and your partner. you may well end up really regretting not going with what you wanted, just to please others. Even if she does get upset, any reasonable person would understand if you explained. Bottom line, a friend worth having will understand and get over it.

PrivatePike · 05/12/2016 11:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Allthewaves · 05/12/2016 11:27

Just have one bridesmaid?

Original poster

rollinghedgehog · 05/12/2016 11:27

Hmmm yes Bluntness there is a little bit more. She can be a bit annoying and high maintenance and my family don't get on with her that well. She can frustrate me and be a bit flaky but she is a lovely person and a good friend, in spite of what it sounds like here.

Also, Emma does not know either of them that well (lives in a different city), so I didn't want her to be an outsider. I can picture Sarah going on about things that she and Jane and I have done together/ have in common and Emma feeling a bit left out - not deliberately at all, but she has a tendancy to do that sometimes!!

Anyway, the more I think about it, the more I think it will be lovely with all three of us. I do want Sarah there really, and Jane and I can manage her occasional lack of sensitivity!

OP posts:

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