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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Field sports and family life

77 replies

FromAtoB · 04/12/2016 21:08

DH said to me yesterday that he is thinking of quitting shooting and hanging up his gun. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I'm not sure if DH is really serious about giving up.

We are neither of us massively into the sporting life. It was fine when we didn't have kids, and we have had some great weekends. But then when the DC were little it was always that thing of waiting for Daddy to come in, or standing at the peg being cold or trying to keep the DC entertained. Now our DC are older, they have their own sports to do at the weekends, and we need family time/taxiing them around time.

Plus, there's the unspoken but utterly permeating sexism of field sports in general.

But, but, but... DH's family have been big field sports folk for generations and we have lots of friends who socialise like this in a big way. We have two DSs who may want to do this and I sort of feel if we drop out now we will lose that cultural attachment.

AIBU to thing field sports and family life just aren't that compatible?

OP posts:
Witchend · 04/12/2016 21:15

I would think it would be the same as any sports.
It takes commitment and time to do it at a reasonable level. Plus there is a community life round it.
Does he want to give up to spend more time with you? Or because he's had enough of it?

RestlessTraveller · 04/12/2016 21:18

If you think that the only problem
with field sports is sexism YABU.

Original poster
FromAtoB · 04/12/2016 21:19

I think he has probably got a bit bored with it, and I think he is also thinking like me that it causes quite a lot of strife on shoot days - getting everybody where they need to be etc.

It came up in the context of planning our time.

OP posts:
scottishdiem · 04/12/2016 21:22

I sort of feel if we drop out now we will lose that cultural attachment.
big field sports folk for generations

You dont need to drop out completely to still take part (say more of the conservation stuff and less of the shooty stuff). Plus there is an opportunity to create your own activities to be passed down as well.

Original poster
FromAtoB · 04/12/2016 21:37

I feel like we do have to commit, though. Shooting is expensive. Also, inviting people back is kind of essential.

I know that DH doesn't have to completely throw this out, but if he quits it will be an active decision.

OP posts:
MiddlingMum · 04/12/2016 22:08

Or maybe he's thinking of giving it up because he's realised that shooting animals for fun is a horrible thing to do?

cariadlet · 04/12/2016 22:14

YABU for referring to blood sports as "Field Sports". I hate that euphemism.

Original poster
FromAtoB · 04/12/2016 22:15

Maybe. He's certainly not excited about doing it, despite the skill involved.

The meat gets eaten, btw. I'd rather be a pheasant shot out of the sky than a chicken for M&S.

OP posts:
Original poster
FromAtoB · 04/12/2016 22:16

It's not really a euphemism if it is actually known as that and has been for centuries before anyone coined the term 'blood sports'. Confused But, we digress.

OP posts:
maninawomansworld01 · 04/12/2016 22:37

I don't think that it has anything to do with the specific activity, just the stress of having a time consuming and expensive hobby alongside a young family.
Nothing wrong with taking a few seasons out and then reassessing the situation when the kids are a bit older.

We are a hunting and shooting family and have been for generations. At the moment my 3 DC's are too young (6 months DD and 3 year old twin DS's) but when the time comes they will partake (if they want to), I've already got their child sized guns in the cabinet to learn on.

At the moment nephew shoots with me and loves it. He started aged 8, is now 15 and a better shot than me some days. We have spent many happy days together driving up and down the country to shoots and running our own shoot on my land.

We've done all sorts together from camping out in the woods while stalking wild boar to staying in some of the best hotels in the country while making our annual pilgrimage to Scotland in the summer for the glorious 12th.

We eat what we shoot and enjoy the competition of coming up with the best dishes using our kills, family and friends are more than willing judges! On our shoot at home our post shoot get togethers are attended by all the guns beaters etc with partners, kids and dogs. We have a big old boathouse down by the river which has been kitted out and the parties are legendary , we've had some great times, made great friends and love it. Last year 2 of the beaters who met on our shoot got married so there's a whole new family being created because of Fieldsports.

So I'd argue that it's an extremely family friendly activity, but I guess it depends on your family.

Original poster
FromAtoB · 04/12/2016 22:43

But isn't it essentially men doing things for them and the women/dc spending their weekends trailing after them, or instead, doing all the taxiing for the DC: children's parties, team sports etc? Does your nephew do weekly team sports as well?

OP posts:
maninawomansworld01 · 04/12/2016 22:44

DW has taken a step back while our kids are young. The boys are just about old enough now to come out for a few hours but DD obviously not.

Last season DW would come down when we were shooting at home for the last drive or two with the boys and stay for the meal before taking them back home (or twisting GP's arms to come and get them)!

This season she's not been at all with DD being so young but next year she'll start slowly again.

I've scaled back a little with the travel to other shoots but then I realise that I am extremely lucky to have my own shoot and live right in the middle of it. Not a luxury everyone has but it does make shoot days easier juggling kids.

maninawomansworld01 · 04/12/2016 22:53

He plays cricket in summer and is a good eventer. Obviously his parents run him around mostly but I help out.
Winter weekends are shooting time though and parties etc take a back seat to the shoot dates. We fix dates in August and that's that, they're immovable and once you commit then you don't back out unless you're ill or there is some kind of family crisis.

I honesty don't find much of a gender divide in our group, 4 of our guns are women (including DW), most of the pickers up are also women.

There is a sexism in the wider Fieldsports community but there are women only groups (have a look at the shotgun and Chelsea bun club).

Thing is, shooting isn't based on physical prowess.
There's nothing stopping a woman being better than a man so just get good at it. Nothing humbles a cocky bloke like a slightly built woman with a 20 bore wiping the floor with him - it is fucking hilarious. You get respect after that.

Original poster
FromAtoB · 04/12/2016 22:53

Well, I think it's the 'step back' that is maybe the issue. Woman stays home, man carries on... I think DH is re-assessing priorities in terms of modern life.

But I agree, we have had lovely times over the years.

OP posts:
maninawomansworld01 · 04/12/2016 22:54

My DW started coming along for the weekends away (pre kids) but soon put her foot down and said if she was coming then she was shooting as well.
And she did.

maninawomansworld01 · 04/12/2016 22:58

It's like trying to balance any sport or pastime with family
life, , if it doesn't work then it doesn't work.

Keep your guns and certificates, lock them away and re visit it in a few years. If the interest isn't there then sell them.
Trouble is if you've gotten rid and given up certificates then it's a pain in the arse to get it all back, especially if out of nowhere someone invites you on a shooting weekend and you think 'oh yeah, the kids are away that weekend why not'.... oh wait we got rid of everything!

Original poster
FromAtoB · 04/12/2016 23:01

If me and DH shot then who would take the DC to their clubs/friends and all the other life that happens at the weekends? I have a job, I need weekends to do home life for me too.

I feel the culture is still grimly sexist (although you maybe in more enlightened circles). Definitely more SAHMs and more women making the lunches, IYSWIM.

OP posts:
maninawomansworld01 · 04/12/2016 23:11

Don't know your setup, I guess the same would apply to any hobby for either of you.
I couldn't just sacrifice everything to run the kids around every weekend, I think as adults you need some 'me'time to pursue your own interests (even if it's infrequently).

A pal of mine had his kids a few years ago and when they were very young he didn't shoot (time and money) but by the time the first one was a couple of years old and was in nursery a day a week he would take a half day off midweek and go clay shooting once a month. Then when they were a bit older he'd come over here now and then and shoot with us. I knew his situation so didn't make him join up full time and commit but if one of the regulars was ill and couldn't make it I'd ring him and let him know he was welcome if he was free.

There are ways round it if you enjoy your sport enough , just depends whether you get enough out of it to justify the effort. Remember your kids will grow up but if you've lost your social circle then it's hard to get back in.

maninawomansworld01 · 04/12/2016 23:13

Most of the women in our group are more into hunting anyway so they have their girls days and we blokes get to sort the horses and tack while they bugger off to the pub.

It works for us.

Original poster
FromAtoB · 04/12/2016 23:20

Yeah, gender lines.

And who's going to run the kids around if you don't?

OP posts:
maninawomansworld01 · 04/12/2016 23:30

God knows. You'll just have to figure that one out yourself like the rest of us.
I don't really have any other big time consuming hobbies so when I put my shoot dates in the calendar then I am allowed them (for those that don't know, the season only runs in ernest from mid oct - end of Jan).

If the DC's miss ONE poxy party because try as we might we can't sort a lift then it's not the end of the world, it doesn't actually mean the end of the world. No one in a family can have it all their own way and that includes the kids!
I just don't get parents tying themselves in knots and sacrificing all just to make sure that the DC's go to every last party / club / event going.

Wookiecookies · 04/12/2016 23:46

YABU to kill amd maim defenceless animals for fun. And to use the bullshit excuse of rather in the field than for the supermarket.

Original poster
FromAtoB · 04/12/2016 23:47

It isn't one poxy party. When they get a bit older they have their own team sports commitments, every weekend outside school holidays and sometimes during holidays. The idea of adults having 'me time' just seems a bit immature if it costs that.

That's really at the heart of this thread. Basically, should DH's hobby dominate our family weekends?

OP posts:
Wookiecookies · 04/12/2016 23:50

Lovely hobby this...

m.youtube.com/watch?v=PIGkdZJPpk8

horseygeorgie1 · 04/12/2016 23:51

I think you are very brave to start a topic on field sports on MN!!

I think the 2 can mix very well actually. And I'm not sure about the gender divide, that certainly doesn't apply where I am. But then we are a mainly hunting family.

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