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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

That hubby won't even discuss more children.

57 replies

MadJeffBarn · 02/12/2016 21:18

We have two wonderful children. After I had my second, and a case of postnatal depression, we both agreed he was our last. One of each, nuclear 2.4 family, why would we want more?
Anyway, recently I've been feeling a bit broody (can probably thank my niece coming along for that) and I asked my hubby now I'm alot better, would we maybe consider in the future? I was met with a resolute, resounding no. Now, I understand his reasoning, that ive had postnatal depression with both of them, but I feel that a huge decision has been taken away from me without even a proper conversation. I would never get pregnant 'by accident' or take it upon myself to give him a 'more kids or divorce' ultimatum but my heart hurts knowing that I won't be having more. Aibu to feel this way?

OP posts:

Soubriquet · 02/12/2016 21:24

Yanbu to feel this way

Yabu to keep going on if your Dh is clear no is no

Sorry OP

scottishdiem · 02/12/2016 21:26

From his perspective the decision was made already jointly and you are going back on it and that a huge agreement you both made is being taken away from him?

Do you think its just the post natal depression he is worried about? What about space in the home and finances? Did he have plans over the next several years as your children get older? etc.

crazyoldc4tlady · 02/12/2016 21:26

but I feel that a huge decision has been taken away from me without even a proper conversation.

I think yabu, sorry.

to agree on further children takes both parents and to veto it only one. You had PND with both of them. It is hard on you but it must have been hard on DH as well.

I think you will just have to accept it.

crazyoldc4tlady · 02/12/2016 21:27

apart from this you had already agreed to.atop after DC2

user1480713432 · 02/12/2016 21:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

statetrooperstacey · 02/12/2016 21:28

It's not been taken away from you though has it. It was never there, you say you had both already decided you were done with two. So really it's you who changed the goal posts. I guess the conversation you want to have is the same as the one you had last time and his reasons would still be the same. Nothing has changed really has it. Sorry

Allthewaves · 02/12/2016 21:29

You both agreed. Now your trying to change goalposts. Yabu

littlesallyracket · 02/12/2016 21:31

If he feels that strongly about it, it would be wrong of him to mislead you. You asked him a question and he's been honest with you. It's a shame it wasn't what you wanted to hear, but if he is that dead set against more children, there isn't much more of a discussion to be had. I'm not sure that, deep down, you'd feel any differently if he'd had a long discussion and then still said no.

I don't mean to sound unsympathetic though. It is a big thing to think about and I'm so sorry to hear you had PND; any kind of depression is hideous but having it while also having to care for your babies must have been truly awful for you.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 02/12/2016 21:32

user really? That is a really awful thing to say. Piss off.

OP, I don't have any advice, but coming to terms with something and realising that's it for the rest of your life can be hard. Be kind to yourself.

expatinscotland · 02/12/2016 21:34

Hope he's not expecting you to be responsible for all the contraception and then bully you into an abortion if you fall pregnant. He doesn't want more he should be a vasectomy.

monkeywithacowface · 02/12/2016 21:36

If DH asked me to consider more children it would be a resounding no without discussion. There is no proper discussion to be had when someone resolutely doesn't want more children.

Original poster

MadJeffBarn · 02/12/2016 21:37

Yeah, I know. But I think in the pit of depression I genuinely meant it, that I didn't want any more children.

Now my head is clearer, and I guess I've realised the implications of that decision. I wouldn't force it on him though, I do understand.
User, really?

OP posts:

NavyandWhite · 02/12/2016 21:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PaulDacresConscience · 02/12/2016 21:41

I've reported the post from user1480713432

OP YABU I'm afraid. Although YANBU to feel the way you do. But imagine if the situation were reversed and it was your DH who was pressing for another baby and you wanted no more DC. You cannot force someone to have a child, it's just not fair.

MissVictoria · 02/12/2016 21:45

Your decision may well have been influenced by your PND, but your husbands clearly was not. You decided together on 2 children, and 2 is more than enough. You can't change your mind and expect him to re discuss something thats already been discussed to conclusion.

InTheKitchenAtParties · 02/12/2016 21:45

If your DH is not willing to even discuss it further or listen to your feelings YANBU.

MeadowHay · 02/12/2016 21:54

YANBU to want more children, but YABU to except to change your DH's mind and not to respect his choice and opinion. If he doesn't want more children, he doesn't want more children, it's got nothing to do with "taking a choice away" from you because it's only a choice for you if he wanted one in the first place.

BestZebbie · 02/12/2016 21:55

Nothing has been taken away from you:

There is no decision "for you" to lose - it would always need to be a joint plan, not just you deciding.

You already had the discussion and made your joint decision. You've had the decision already!

bibbitybobbityyhat · 02/12/2016 21:58

Yabu and I think you know it really.

Is this somehow connected to the thread about knowing when you've had enough children on here tonight?

I think most people who have another surprise child or child beyond the family they planned will generally be positive about their "extra".

But equally, those who decided on the right number of children for them and stuck to that will also be happy with their choice.

It is those who have another child that breaks the relationship or sends either parent off into a deep depression that needs to be worried about.

Flugelpip · 02/12/2016 22:00

OP do you think you're feeling broody because you're around a baby that's not yours? Maybe because you're not the mum, and you're not affected by post-natal depression, you're seeing it differently and maybe feeling you missed out on the happy times? I have two DCs and for different reasons I wish things had been different when both were babies. I've had to stop myself from thinking if I had a third I'd do it the right way and be able to enjoy it, because it's making little of what I did right in spite of difficult circumstances and ultimately it's a lovely, heartwarming fantasy.

If it was me, I would put the idea away for six months and then talk about it again with your DH, either to clear the air or ask for a rethink. But take the time to be clear in your mind about what you really want and why that's important to you.

diddl · 02/12/2016 22:00

Of course YANBU.

But what is there to discuss if he doesn't want any more?

Surely better to say no than enter discussions that give false hope?

elfonshelf · 02/12/2016 22:01

It's horrible when you are on different pages when it comes to having DC, but I think you are probably BU.

I had a hideous pregnancy with DD, very nearly died having her - DH had PTSD afterwards and episodes for several years - and then PND as well. I don't remember anything much about the birth as I was unconscious in ICU, and the PND is just a miserable blur, so I was fairly keen that we have a second DC.

DH has been 100% consistent that we are one and done. DD is now 7, and I'm actually fine with the idea now after being very sad for several years. I think it will be hard when I get the the point in life where more children are a physical impossibility and there is a sense of grief about it, but both parents have to be on board with the idea and I didn't have to deal with all the stuff DH did.

I have said that if anything happened to DD, and we could still have children then I would want to TTC and that is non negotiable.

IME, broodiness does tend to come in waves. Make sure you don't miss out on enjoying your existing DC by pining for an imaginary one.

Original poster

MadJeffBarn · 02/12/2016 22:11

I'm totally taking what everyones saying on board and I have said I wouldn't ever force it on him, I'm just feeling sad about it.

OP posts:

Hateloggingin · 02/12/2016 22:14

I think some replies are a little harsh, people and circumstances change. I think there's nothing wrong in asking him to have a proper conversation about it. X

PaulDacresConscience · 02/12/2016 22:16

Oh lovely

I don't have DC. I am infertile and DH and I decided not to pursue treatment and to stay childfree (I say 'childfree' rather than 'childless' as we made a conscious choice, rather than TTC and not being successful). I am happy with my choice and I love my life. With every year that passes I am more secure in my decision not to have DC. But when I was first told about my infertility it was really hard. We weren't even TTC; the diagnosis was connected to another health problem. It wasn't that I wanted a child, it was more that I wanted the choice to have a child - and it felt that the choice had been taken away from me without me having any control over the matter.

Your feelings are natural. Hopefully they will pass. Talk to your DH so he knows how you feel - not that you are trying to emotionally pressure him, but so that he can appreciate that you feel sad. Don't let it become the elephant in the room.

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