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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

That hubby won't even discuss more children.

57 replies

MadJeffBarn · 02/12/2016 21:18

We have two wonderful children. After I had my second, and a case of postnatal depression, we both agreed he was our last. One of each, nuclear 2.4 family, why would we want more?
Anyway, recently I've been feeling a bit broody (can probably thank my niece coming along for that) and I asked my hubby now I'm alot better, would we maybe consider in the future? I was met with a resolute, resounding no. Now, I understand his reasoning, that ive had postnatal depression with both of them, but I feel that a huge decision has been taken away from me without even a proper conversation. I would never get pregnant 'by accident' or take it upon myself to give him a 'more kids or divorce' ultimatum but my heart hurts knowing that I won't be having more. Aibu to feel this way?

OP posts:

LostMyBigGirlPants · 02/12/2016 22:17

I feel broody sometimes, especially around newborns. It's normal. But I really struggled with DS and I have to remind myself to weigh up the fantasy versus the reality. Could you cope with PND a third time, with two other DCs to care for? Could your DH? Yes, they're snugly, sweet-smelling bundles of cuddliness - they also wake up at ungodly times of the night, repeatedly, shit at the most importune moments and cry a lot. I'd stick with the decision you made previously. The arrival of your niece is possibly allowing you to look at things through rose tinted glasses.

Laiste · 02/12/2016 22:19

I don't think you're being unreasonable to want to talk about it again.

Even if his feelings are clear and strong he can still manage a conversation about it surely? Just saying no and no discussuion is how you talk to a child, not your partner.

NotAnotherUserName1234 · 02/12/2016 22:29

Strange that people are on a forum called 'mumsnet' - that actually states 'by parents, for parents' and these people have decided that not only do they not want children, they want to discourage anyone else from having children - So OP many many people get pregnant by accident

PaulDacresConscience · 02/12/2016 22:32

Is that comment aimed at me NotAnotherUserName1234?

LostMyBigGirlPants · 02/12/2016 22:33

How do you mean, not?

LostMyBigGirlPants · 02/12/2016 22:34

I bloody hope not, paul!

Pagwatch · 02/12/2016 22:36

NotAnotherUserName1234

Suggesting to the op that she gets pregnant 'by accident' is really stupid.

Soubriquet · 02/12/2016 22:36

So because this is a parenting forum, we should say "of course he is being unreasonable Hun. If you want a baby you go get one!"

No. It's his choice too. He may not be pregnant but the baby affects both of them

PaulDacresConscience · 02/12/2016 22:37

So do I Lost because having shared something quite personal, it would be a bit shit to think that someone would use it to query why I'm on MN.

LostMyBigGirlPants · 02/12/2016 22:38

I think not's been on the Friday night vino and is not reading posts properly....

Because the only other explanation is that her comments are both hurtful and irresponsible.

Soubriquet · 02/12/2016 22:38

And telling her to get pregnant by "accident" is despicable

NotAnotherUserName1234 · 02/12/2016 22:40

and why are you both on a parenting forum telling people not to be parents?

LostMyBigGirlPants · 02/12/2016 22:40

paul. For the record, I thought your post was considered and sensitive - you didn't have to share that, but you did in order to help the OP. We need more of your kind on here.

LostMyBigGirlPants · 02/12/2016 22:41

not. Did you read the OP? She IS a parent - twice over.

Soubriquet · 02/12/2016 22:43

ODFO Not

Child free people are welcome here too

And they are telling her it takes two people to make a child. If one doesn't want it, the other doesn't get to force it to happen

NotAnotherUserName1234 · 02/12/2016 22:45

yes - i did read the OP's post, she has children and would like her OH to consider having another child. That's not that unusual.

Soubriquet · 02/12/2016 22:47

It's ok to want to discuss it

It's not ok to "accidently" fall pregnant

PaulDacresConscience · 02/12/2016 22:50

I'm not telling people not to have children. I'm saying that it's not fair to make someone have a child who doesn't want one. OP's DH doesn't want another child - I'm not round there force feeding here the morning after pill FFS. My life choices are mine, not someone else's. Not having children doesn't mean that I don't like them.

Mindtrope · 02/12/2016 22:52

I think you need to find some ways to discuss this as a issue. I entirely understand OHs view, but you have feelings and sadness, and it's entirely reasonable to discuss deep feelings within a relationship.

Perhaps your OH is afraid that by having a discussion about the issue he is giving a green flag up to negotiation on whether to have another child or not.

But discussing the reasons why you are feeling this way and how it is affecting you is reasonable.

ricepolo · 02/12/2016 22:58

OP YANBH to want to discuss it again. All this 'not being allowed to move the goalposts' is rubbish. Things change, people change, and adults (and mature relationships) can deal with that. DH didn't want another baby until we sat down like grown ups and discussed why: once he'd been reassured about his concerns he was on board. This wasn't moving goalposts, this was having a rational conversation.

Once you have had that conversation you will need to accept the outcome, but he should be willing to at least talk it through with you. I'd be pretty angry if I was denied even that.

ilongforlustre · 02/12/2016 22:58

OP. I have two DC's. I would have liked another but my husband gave a resounding no. Internally I have struggled with that. I say internally because his wish not to have more is as valid as my wish to have another.

Also I have had to accept that there is more to my feelings. Both my DC have Autism. I work with small children and sometimes the realisation that I never got to have "normality" (no offence meant, just for want of a better phrase) can be painful.

There are no guarantees OP, if my husband changed his mind tomorrow I could have another child with Autism. You could have worse PND. As well as the urge to have children I think there is the urge for everything to "be as it should".

Concentrate on the blessing of the children that you have. I do that, it helps.

dontbesillyhenry · 02/12/2016 23:00

Wtf not?
Sorry you've had to listen to this shit Paul there are some absolute cunty tosspots posting on these boards at the moment

Headofthehive55 · 02/12/2016 23:10

I don't think there is anything wrong in revisiting decisions taken. He might have responded with, I was thinking the same thing!

I understand the feeling of trying again to try and have a better experience. I was ill with the first, baby ill the second, fortunately the third was a good experience all round. Sometimes things don't happen the way we want.

KittensWithWeapons · 02/12/2016 23:15

PaulDacresConscience, DP and I are in exactly the same boat. Years of ttc, five miscarriages. We decided to stop. I genuinely didn't have it in me anymore.

Hey, Not, no its not unusual to want another child. It's pretty unusual and stupid to encourage a woman to get pregnant 'by accident' though.

Anyway. Apologies for daring to post on your forum. I've been here for nearly a decade. Been made to feel very unwelcome lately by threads 'pondering' why us childless women dare to post on here. Perhaps I should take my ill functioning uterus and bugger off elsewhere.

PaulDacresConscience · 02/12/2016 23:23

Kittens - we're in it together. Subverting MN one post at a time.

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