Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have never left dd

55 replies

enchantmentandlove · 02/12/2016 21:09

My lovely dd is 5 1/2 months old, and I've never left her (other than a few hour and a half driving lessons). Our family don't live close, so it's just dd, Dh and I.

I adore looking after her, but sometimes wish I could have a little time to myself - although at the same time feel anxious at the idea of not being with her. I feel like all my friends who have babies have left them by this age, and I've just been watching mum vloggers on YouTube who seem to have one afternoon/one day a week to themselves. I don't think I would personally want this, it's just an observation.

Once a week or so I do something leisurely at home by myself (crafting, baking, having a relaxing bubble bath etc) for about an hour while Dh watches her. Also every 10 days ish Dh gets up with her while I lay in. Dh is a devoted and amazing father, so it isn't that he won't spend time by himself with her, we just tend to spend his time off as a family. He also works a hard job with long hours, so I like him to have lots of time to re charge and relax.

Dd is also very clingy and likes to always be with me, especially when she's tired. At the sqme time, she has a fantastic bond with dh and I don't like to interfere when he's doing something. Dd is formula fed as well.

I was just wondering if this is normal? By what age should I be leaving her for a while? The thought of time away from her makes me feel guilty, and I worry if she needed me and I couldn't be with her.

I hope that made sense!

OP posts:
theeyeofthetigerbread · 02/12/2016 21:11

Horses for courses, surely? If it's working for you then of course YANBU.

formerbabe · 02/12/2016 21:13

Your baby is still really little...I hadn't left mine when they were that age except with my oh. Whatever works for you. How about leaving her with your dh while you go for a swim or lunch with friends? Start small perhaps?

JenLindleyShitMom · 02/12/2016 21:15

I would say it's a good time to start stretching out those times when I are away from her. It's good for you to have something that doesn't revolve round baby. YOu are far more than just mum. WHat did you do before you had her?

ChasedByBees · 02/12/2016 21:15

I didn't leave mine for 8 months. It worked for us.

frikadela01 · 02/12/2016 21:16

It's such a personal thing. Everyone will be different and have different levels of family involvement.
DP took Ds out on his own when he was 2 weeks old. I was having a crap time with breastfeeding after an infection, Ds was loving the expressed milk from a bottle and refusing my breast and it was really getting me down. Dp took him Into town on the bus to buy bottles and formula and I slept for a few hours. Since then dp takes him out about fortnightly whilst I catch up on some me time.
He sometimes goes to his nan and grandad s for a few hours and is on his second sleepover there tonight (he's 5 months, first sleepover at 4 months).

This suits our family and Ds loves his time with his GPs and his alone time with dp. It's not for everyone though.b

wishparry · 02/12/2016 21:16

I have not left any of my dds,and one is nearly 6.
I haven't got a good relationship with family.sometimes it's hard,but I love how close we are.Smile

OhTheRoses · 02/12/2016 21:17

OP, I've left my DD many times even five whole nights. She's 18 now. I still worry about being there if she needs me. She's got an Oxford interview next week. I've booked an hotel for three nights in case she needs me because it's such a big thing. It's called live. Nurture it. She says se can tell me stuff her friends can't tell their mums.Wine

Finelinebetweenchaos · 02/12/2016 21:17

Do what's right for you. Mine is 13 months and haven't left her for more than a couple of hours, and just during the day. They are often clingy at this age! It's normal. If it's not driving you crazy try not to worry about it and go with your instincts!

Original poster
enchantmentandlove · 02/12/2016 21:17

Thank you for your replies.

We moved here away from family while I was heavily pregnant, so although I have some friends they are all from baby/toddler group, so when I see them outside of the group it's with our children.

I'm actually struggling to remember what I even did before having her.

OP posts:
5minutestobed · 02/12/2016 21:21

I have a six month old and the longest I have left him is for 2 hours. I'm not planning on leaving him for longer any time soon. Just do what you feel comfortable with.
My DS spends a lot of time with my DS though and I think thats important. I didn't let him get so involved with our first as I thought he would do things "wrong" and he has since expressed that he was upset by that so I'm glad he is much more hands on with DS2.

welshweasel · 02/12/2016 21:21

As others have said, there's no right or wrong. I had a night away when DS was 3 months and was back at work full time at 4 months. He's still never been left with anyone other than DH or nursery and he's 10 months old now. Being formula fed does make it easier and don't feel guilty if you want to spend some time apart. Equally don't let anyone tell you it's wrong not to leave her.

CrystalVision · 02/12/2016 21:23

Do whatever works for you, but remember you also have a hard job with long hours, so need rest and relaxation as much as your DH, even if that's just a long bath or an early night

burgundyandgoldleaves · 02/12/2016 21:23

I don't think it's unreasonable. Realistically at that age, you're only going to be leaving them in childcare if you've gone back to work, or close family/friends.

I left DD when she was four months to have my legs and bikini waxed. I left her with my friend, I was gone for about an hour. DD slept and I'm not joking, the second my friend went she woke up and started howling! Grin

HelterMcBelter · 02/12/2016 21:23

I barely left my dd for the whole time I was on maternity leave (1yr). Lots of people tried to make me feel ridiculous but I just wanted to make the most of every second with her.

You should do what feels right for you, and not worry about it.

I have realised since going back to work though that she is fine without me and nothing terrible will happen if I'm not there. And if I'm honest with myself it may have made the transition back to work easier (for
Me, not dd as she has coped well) if I had occasionally left her. I really struggled with that!!

Camomila · 02/12/2016 21:24

I don't think YABU, every one is different.

My DS is coming up for 8 months and the longest he's been away from me is 2.5h so I could watch fantastic beasts at the cinema (he's breastfed though and not a big eater so it's not like I could leave him for much longer even if I wanted to)

Do you think you'll go back to work? After Christmas I'm going to start leaving him for longer with DM and MIL so that it's not too much of a shock when he's with grandma for the whole day while I'm at work.

Original poster
enchantmentandlove · 02/12/2016 21:24

Thank you so much everyone, I was feeling like I was the only one who had never left my baby! I said to Dh recently that maybe on the new year I'd might like an afternoon to myself once a month, and he thought that was a good idea. He is great with her and very hands on - so I know realistically she'd be fine - there's just a part of me that dreads leaving her.

OP posts:
Mathsmess · 02/12/2016 21:26

I didn't leave my first until she was TWO. At the time I saw myself as some earth mother and couldn't understand how people left
Their precious children.

I'm on number 4 now and left this one regularly for half a day from 4/5 months. First overnight at a year.

Looking back I was so desperate to get everything right but I wish I hadn't lost who "I" was. I.e. Not just a mother.

Original poster
enchantmentandlove · 02/12/2016 21:28

When it comes to work a I plan on being a sahp for a few years, so it's not like I need to get her used to being without me. I just sometimes feel I can't remember who I used to be. But on the other hand, I just love being a mum and always being with her. My mum was never there (I've not seen her since I was a little girl), so I always want to be there for dd.

OP posts:
blueturtle6 · 02/12/2016 21:29

Do what makes you happy, my dd is 14 mo, and I am rarely away from her, however when we are put she is very sociable, I think the closeness we have has made her confident to be independent. If you are both happy leave things as they are, they are only little for short amount of time.

Original poster
enchantmentandlove · 02/12/2016 21:32

Dd is the same - at group/meeting for coffee with other mum's dd will happily be held by someone else as long as she can still see me. She likes being around other people and loves the attention!

OP posts:
autumnrained · 02/12/2016 21:38

Dd turned 3 in October and she's never left my side Blush
She's my 3rd child too but I just can't imagine leaving her Hmm
The other two go to grandparents every weekend too!

MommaGee · 02/12/2016 21:40

I depends if YOU want a bit more freedom really. DS is 17 months. MIL has had him three times at our house for a couple of hours whilst we get a meal at the pub on our estate. Other than that he's with me or Daddy.
However I do like the occasional trip to the movies and as DH and I can't do that together, I go out alone or with friends, grab a coffee and a movie occasionally. I also go into town for a coffee alone and leave DS with Daddy occasionally. I think being left totally alone has done wonders for his confidence in looking after him ("what if I die?" I said to DH "you'll still need to leave the house with him so best to do OT whilst I'm alive and call if you need me) as we as giving me sanity. DS is of course a PFB but his favourite seat is on my left arm (12 kg of PFB) and OT can be pretty intense at times

gillybeanz · 02/12/2016 21:45

Hi OP, I didn't leave any of mine when they were babies, just didn't seem right to me.
There is no right or wrong and you do what you feel most comfortable with.

Original poster
enchantmentandlove · 02/12/2016 21:50

I must say when I have had a couple of driving lessons (the only times I've left her) Dh did say it as nice to see that he could do it by himself. We can't really ever leave her with family even if we wanted to, as they don't live close and we want to spend time with them while they visit.

Thanks for your responses everyone, it's definitely making me think about when I'm ready to leave her. As a pp said gradually building it up would be best. I'm such a sap though, she's literally just upstairs sleeping and I miss her Confused

OP posts:
murmuration · 02/12/2016 21:54

If it's not bothering you, that's fine! I had to go back to work when DD was 4mo (left her with DH), and would cry on the way out half the days. I was miserable. I totally would have stayed with her every moment if I could. But by the time she was 18 months, I totally wanted a nice bath in the evening on my own (because she would fall asleep on me, and then I'd be stuck, argh!).

When you want your space, that's when you start working to make it. No need to push yourself into something that you're not comfortable with just because you feel you 'should'.