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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have never left dd

55 replies

enchantmentandlove · 02/12/2016 21:09

My lovely dd is 5 1/2 months old, and I've never left her (other than a few hour and a half driving lessons). Our family don't live close, so it's just dd, Dh and I.

I adore looking after her, but sometimes wish I could have a little time to myself - although at the same time feel anxious at the idea of not being with her. I feel like all my friends who have babies have left them by this age, and I've just been watching mum vloggers on YouTube who seem to have one afternoon/one day a week to themselves. I don't think I would personally want this, it's just an observation.

Once a week or so I do something leisurely at home by myself (crafting, baking, having a relaxing bubble bath etc) for about an hour while Dh watches her. Also every 10 days ish Dh gets up with her while I lay in. Dh is a devoted and amazing father, so it isn't that he won't spend time by himself with her, we just tend to spend his time off as a family. He also works a hard job with long hours, so I like him to have lots of time to re charge and relax.

Dd is also very clingy and likes to always be with me, especially when she's tired. At the sqme time, she has a fantastic bond with dh and I don't like to interfere when he's doing something. Dd is formula fed as well.

I was just wondering if this is normal? By what age should I be leaving her for a while? The thought of time away from her makes me feel guilty, and I worry if she needed me and I couldn't be with her.

I hope that made sense!

OP posts:
Redesul · 02/12/2016 21:56

Meh, I have no family and I also have no friends remotely local. It was only for my mum's funeral that I left my son for an hour when he was a baby. Then it wasn't until he was 3 that he started preschool and I had to start leaving him. He does two and a half days a week, 9-3 and 9-12, I love the time to myself, I find it kind of annoying when my partner doesn't have a shift on those days... Up until that started happening it never bothered me, he slept through since 5 weeks so I always had the evening to do what I wanted, hobbies etc.

Original poster
enchantmentandlove · 02/12/2016 21:57

That must have been really hard to leave your dd so young, I feel really grateful I can stay with her. Thank you, I think you're right. I've just been feeling like I 'should' be leaving her lots, when I really don't feel ready to right now.

OP posts:
Bertucci · 02/12/2016 21:58

Mine were ebf and glued to my side for the first 6 months.

Original poster
enchantmentandlove · 02/12/2016 21:59

Also, some evenings not so much, but generally she's sleeping by 7:30 so I feel I get time to relax in the evenings. Sometimes she'll only stay asleep if I'm next to her, holding her hand and stroking her face - but it's so cute I can't object!

OP posts:
Maryann1975 · 02/12/2016 22:02

We didn't live close to family when we had our babies. I hardly left any of mine until they started at preschool. I'm a childminder, so no need to leave them for work. we didn't go out a great deal, If I went out in the evening dh would look after the DC, but as we were all in a similar situation (military, so everyone was away from their families) we didn't go out as couples. I had no reason to leave the DC during the day, it didn't bother me to be with them all day (which was lucky as dh was away for much of the early years). I look back fondly on the baby and toddler years.

Not saying if you leave your baby it's wrong, it just wasn't right for me. Whatever works for you is the right thing for your family. I have no problem leaving the DC now and never had any problems leaving them once they started at preschool. All perfectly well rounded, socialised children.

Confusednotcom · 02/12/2016 22:14

You can do exactly what you want to do! She's still a tiny baby, there's no hurry! It might be nice for your DH to be the primary cater for a few hours but only when you know you'll enjoy the time to yourself, if you're just missing her then what's the pout? I'm a similarly smitten mum tho mine are way past that point. Make the most of it.

Motherfuckers · 02/12/2016 22:17

My husband certainly did a lot more than yours does. A lie-in every 10 days! Shock

MsJudgemental · 02/12/2016 22:21

I left mine with his Dad to do a supermarket shop when he was 2 days old, is (and I was breastfeeding for 12 months). Not because it was my 'job' to shop and cook (My husband did and still does do it all 16 years later) but I fancied a couple of hours to myself after all the upheaval. Time to yourself is important as is letting the father bond with the baby and learn what to do himself.

Original poster
enchantmentandlove · 02/12/2016 22:28

Oh the lie in every 10 days is because of dhs shift patterns - every 10 days there's the opportunity for three lie ins - dh has one, I have one and the other dh lays in a bit later than me but everyone's ready at a decent time!

Thanks, I think over time I definitely want to have a little time to myself. I just need to feel ready for it I think, and I think dh would probably like some time alone with dd too.

OP posts:
sirfredfredgeorge · 02/12/2016 22:29

I think your DH would ideally have more time with your baby, to establish caring routines and relationships with her without you around, it's quite different when the mother is there, even subconciously between all involved.

There may come a time either when you want to be away for longer, or unfortunately are forced be away for longer, and you really don't want to put your DH through learning all the routines on how to comfort his DD at a time when there are likely other stresses.

With DD so young, it certainly doesn't matter, but I'd say when she's older, it will, so you might aswell start earlier, your DH will want a relationship just with his DD.

missm0use · 02/12/2016 22:31

We're in a similar position, we have no family nearby. I have about 2 hrs 1 once a week where my OH takes our DD by himself. The longest I've been away from her is about 4 hours and she's 10 months old!

Original poster
enchantmentandlove · 02/12/2016 22:39

That's one thing that worries me. I can be the only one to do dds bedtime routine, for example. It's not an issue right now, but at some point in the future I may want to go out for the evening. I said to dh earlier I think she literally believes I'm the only one who can do it. I love it, but at the same time I feel it would be good for dh to try these things sometimes. Maybe because I'm there he doesn't always feel he can. As I said, they have a fantastic bond - the smiles she gives him when he comes home from work, even at 2am when she should be sleeping melts my heart! But dh having confidence to do some of these things would probably help me relax a bit more. Saying that, any time he's been alone with her they've always had a great time, so maybe it's just me worrying over nothing.

OP posts:
WanderingStar1 · 02/12/2016 22:43

Don't worry, just go with the flow. We had no family nearby except elderly MIL, I gave up work when I had the twins so generally had them all the time, although did leave them with MIL in bouncy chairs once or twice to go to appointments etc. Discovered the joys of online shopping (too many packs of pampers and tins of SMA to fit in a trolley with two babies as well.....). I didn't consciously not leave them (and would have been happy to) but it just wasn't an option. DH probably had them sometimes at weekends. I did find it really odd when they started pre-school at three!! Now they're 8 and totally independent - and I love dropping them at school for 6 hours!! Enjoy having your little one all to yourself while you can!

Original poster
enchantmentandlove · 02/12/2016 22:47

Thank you Smile I think I'm just trying to enjoy every moment and not miss a thing!

I think leaving her, even just with dh will come in time, there is no need to rush it right now it will just evolve over time.

OP posts:
JellyWitch · 02/12/2016 22:50

I didn't leave mine until I went back to work at 10 months. The youngest still slept on my lap in the evening until about 18 months. She still cosleeps (so does the 7 yr old).

There's definitely no rush and those gorgeous squishy babies become stroppy toddlers and grumpy know it all older kids in no time!

AnnieAnoniMouse · 02/12/2016 23:26

I can understand that you adore her & miss her and don't feel the need to have time apart from her just yet...however, in the nicest possible way, it's not all about you 💐

What about DH? What if HE would like more time alone with her, but doesn't know how to say that without hurting you? It's not the same as all being together, the time when they are dependant on their Dad (or Granny or whoever) creates a much stronger bond.

Of course she expects you to do bedtime, because you always do it. Go out with a friend, let DH parent his daughter.

They need time to create a strong bond too and right now you're getting in the way of that.

What if you needed to go into hospital? It would be so much more difficult for them because they've not done meal time, bathtime, bedtime...

Go and re find yourself, while they spend time together, and not just an hour here and there.

💐

powerpint · 03/12/2016 07:38

i think it would be nice and a good idea to let dh do the bath time so he gets to care for his baby hands on. i was very close and protective and bf mine foe a long time but i always let dh do the bath so he could bond with our babies.do you let him yake her out in the pram?

Original poster
enchantmentandlove · 03/12/2016 09:04

Dh does do bath time about half of the time when he's home, then I always do story, bottle and putting her down to sleep. They do spend a lot of time together, but I guess I'm always in the house. What I mean is I'm not constantly right there or anything, I may be cooking or cleaning while they play alone. I sometimes think I don't want to go out and leave them as it cuts into our family time together, but then I guess dh does things like work meals, going to the gym etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
enchantmentandlove · 03/12/2016 09:07

I feel bad if perhaps I have gotten in the way of their bind without me there, as to me growing up it's as important as our bond. I'll speak to Dh and see what he says, thank you.

OP posts:
witsender · 03/12/2016 09:09

5.5 Mo is tiny, I didn't leave mine at all at that age. Do what works for you.

Dozer · 03/12/2016 09:09

It'd be good for DH and DD for them to have regular time alone together, and straightforward to arrange if you're not breastfeeding.

Original poster
enchantmentandlove · 03/12/2016 09:09

Their bond*

And Dh has never really mentioned he'd like to walk her in the pram without me there really.

OP posts:
passingthrough1 · 03/12/2016 09:11

Mine is a similar age. I haven't left him for more than an hour nip outside for a run or to clear my head. I EBF so I can't and to be honest the idea of leaving him with someone other than my partner for a limited time seems weird. ILs have offered to have so we can go out and have lunch, I'm lucky than my partner also found this idea unfathomable.

Comtesse · 03/12/2016 10:14

If your OH was on call 24/7 and had no time off whatsoever would you think that was reasonable? 1 lie in every 10 days and maybe 1 afternoon a month seems pretty insufficient to me. OP, you need some R&R just as much as your partner. When my 2 were this age I was 2 weeks away from going back to work full time (DH stayed home with them).

Don't forget to put your own oxygen mask on sometimes....

user1480182169 · 03/12/2016 10:52

I have not left any of my dds,and one is nearly 6

Don't they go to school?