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Original poster

Those of you with older or grown up children, do you regret not having more?

101 replies

DottieDoLittle · 02/12/2016 13:15

Time is not especially on my side for having more dc but this is something I struggle with!

I love the newborn phase but REALLY struggle with toddlers.

Currently my dc are just turned 2 and 4 and are at the 'drive their mother crazy' stage!

Anyway, almost everyone I talk to in rl says they 'regret not having more children'.

I Just wondered if this was a wider more general thing or more specific to the people I know!

My mum in particular is very adamant she wished she had more children when she could.

I'm 37, I don't know if any other child would push me over the edge or complete my family and stop me wondering.

Thanks in advance for any answers!

OP posts:
BabyGanoush · 03/12/2016 08:48

I can tell you this OP:

Friends and I who stuck with 2, have very mild moments of regret not going for a third.

Most of my friends who have 3, have told me they regret having a 3rd as it tipped their family into chaos

So no easy answer!

All I know is at 2 and 4 it is hard work, but gets easier every year!

At 12 and 14 now, it's easy and fun (though who knows what lies ahead! GrinShockShockShock)

I would love another baby, but at 45 better be sensible (and realistic)

LearningHowToFly · 03/12/2016 08:49

Mine are 12 and 9, I always wanted two boys and that's what I got. Two really is plenty, I had a pregnancy scare a couple of years ago and even though I'd have loved and welcomed a third, the relief of a negative test confirmed to me that 2 is for me.

TheSecondOfHerName · 03/12/2016 08:52

Mine are 16, 14, 12 and 12.

I can 100% say that I do not regret stopping after four. Occasionally I wonder what our lives would be like if we'd stopped after two.

Oblomov16 · 03/12/2016 08:53

No. Have 2 boys, wanted 2, happy with 2.
Most people I know have 2 and are happy with that. A few have 3, a few have 5.

I only ever have met one person with 1, who wanted more. Understandable.

Think your experience is not similar to mine. Why did these people not have more? Money? Dh don't wanting another child? Too old? There must be understandable reasons.

PoppyFleur · 03/12/2016 08:56

I have one DS, he is fantastic and very easy going. DH & I would have loved another but sadly it was not meant to be. I cannot feel any regrets, DS is happy & healthy, we are so grateful to have him.

If I have one sadness, it is that he is missing out on the joy of growing up with a sibling, I am close with my DSIS & would wish that for my child.

yomellamoHelly · 03/12/2016 08:57

Would once have liked more than we have. But still agree wholeheartedly with the reasons we stuck with what we have. You have to consider the bigger pictures / your lives as they are with what you have.

OhTheRoses · 03/12/2016 09:02

Yes, mine are 22 and 18. I had two miscarriages before DS1, one before DS2 (27 weeks and couldn't survive, one before DD. We initially wanted at least three or four children but I decided I couldn't face another loss and we would stick at 2. By the time I felt brave enough DH felt we shouldn't knock the status quo. I don't know how full on a two and four year old are because mine were more widely spaced.

Was 34.5 when DS1 was born, almost 37 DS2, almost 38, DD. It was a small window because I wouldn't have contemplated having another once I was 41.

But yes, now at 56 it is the only regret I have in a life of no regrets. Having said that we had ample space and means although perhaps I wouldn't have got back to work and certainly probably wouldn't have managed to get the professional qualifications I got when the dc were at primary school.

GetAHaircutCarl · 03/12/2016 09:03

I have two 17 year olds so our house will soon be quite empty.

I can honestly say I don't regret not having more. I have loved parenting them (twins are intense but a blast) but have absolutely no desire to take the journey repeatedly. I see friends who still have younger ones and don't envy them one bit.

It's time for a different stage of life.

P1nkP0ppy · 03/12/2016 09:06

I don't know anyone other than my DM who regret not having another child.
I only ever wanted 2, never considered having any more.

WhooooAmI24601 · 03/12/2016 09:06

Ours are still relatively young at 11 and 5 but I will openly admit we'd have liked more. I can't have more now after several rounds of surgery, and while I love our lives and enjoy both DCs, more would have been lovely.

However. I refuse to feel sorry for myself or regret our choices. We have two beautiful DCs and to regret a child that never was would be to focus too hard on that and not enough on what we do have. I'm a big believer in being thankful for everything you do have and not focussing on the haven'ts. So no, no regrets. Just a different life that never was.

mysteryfairy · 03/12/2016 09:09

I have a six year gap between DC2 and DC3. I was 30 when DC3 was born so biologically very much feasible to have another. It was really tough when they were small. I worked full time and was permanently shattered.

Not sure whether I would change things. DC3 is so sad about now being the only DC at home and frequently asks why we didn't have a 4th close in age to her. I couldn't have kept working though and I have so many friends who dropped off the career ladder and now struggle to get back on.

TheScottishPlay · 03/12/2016 09:10

Yes and no. DS will be 13 next month and is an only. I would have loved another but we work so well as a three. I've been away with work all week and DH and DS have had a ball. It wouldn't have been logistically possible with two children.

Insabbathstheatre · 03/12/2016 09:17

2 is more than enough - wish I had only had one (just not sure which one!)

Oblomov16 · 03/12/2016 09:18

What's the point of regret? It's a useless emotion. Especially if it's re something that can't be changed. If it's something you learn from and don't repeat, that's different.
Be accepting of what you've got.

popcornpaws · 03/12/2016 09:51

DD is 20 now, we never wanted anymore children and my DH and I have never regretted that decision, having one is great!

Toocleverbyhalf2 · 03/12/2016 09:58

I've got 3 grown up children ( 31,29 & 27). I remarried and had my little surprise who's now 10 at 43. The marriage didn't work out, but I wouldn't swap it for anything. The older ones are fantastic with him & he's given me a new lease of life. My only regret is that I'm now 53 & still needing childcare. Oh well ......... Shock

pickledparsnip · 03/12/2016 10:04

I'm not sure yet. I have a 7 year old and very much doubt I'll have another. I suffered badly after the birth, and I have a huge fear that I'll happen again. Plus I'm single. I do feel occasionally broody, but I don't think I could cope with another. My boy has 2 half siblings, so that has helped alleviate the guilt. I love the idea of a big family, but it's not for me.

AllPizzasGreatAndSmall · 03/12/2016 10:39

I think a lot of people think it might have been nice to have another in a musing sort of way, but that's quite different to regret which is an ongoing, consuming, negative emotion about a situation.

BlackeyedSusan · 03/12/2016 10:45

I really really wanted a third. turns out my second is autistic and t would not have been a good move to have a third. ds could have done the porr thing some real damage. Took several years to wear off though, (when his difficulties were really apparent)

depends on your pregnancies. I would have needed to have the third before my oldest was at school. (at least the first 20 weeks of pregnancy)

I had my last at a bitolder than you are now. It is hard work.

you need to consider the different dynamics of having three. three lots of after school activities. more likely to have children in different schools, more school performances and concerts.

lizb30 · 03/12/2016 12:37

We have a son and daughter now 12 and 13. I was always stopping at 2. I was asking to be sterilised for years. Two years ago this month we found out I was expecting a 3rd child. I'm not going to lie, I was detested. I booked in for a termination. On the day I couldn't go through with it.
Our 3rd child now now our 15 month old daughter. I still have moment where I think wtf was I thinking having a 3rd. We were having an easy time with the eldest two. Toddlers are hard, it's quite a shock after so long. But honestly I wouldn't change her for the world. She's beautiful and funny. She's definitely completed our family. I feel lucky to have had her. I feel she was ment to be and the older two adore her.

lizb30 · 03/12/2016 12:39

*devastated not detested. Sorry. Won't let me edit.

notquiteruralbliss · 03/12/2016 20:36

I would have loved a 5th or a 5th and a 6th but was 42 when I finally had DC4 ( after multiple MCs)

LarrytheCucumber · 04/12/2016 08:14

Similar experience to Liz my children were 19 and 18 when number 3 was born. He is nearly 22 now and has Aspergers. There have been times when I have wondered what our lives would be like if we had stuck at two, because life with him has been more difficult than with the other two put together. I certainly don't regret not having a fourth (which we considered so he wouldn't be like an only child).

Mouseinahole · 04/12/2016 08:43

Mine, including sdc are 42, 44, 45, 46 and 47!!!!!
We all got together when the 'baby' was 13 and it was wonderful.
I now have 9 lovely grandchildren. One more dc would have been great but dh and I were just too old at 43 and 51 when we married and it didn't happen.

Bobochic · 04/12/2016 09:16

There are 9 years between DSS1 (21) and DD (12), with DSS2 (19) in between. I am pretty glad we didn't have another after DD though sometimes I feel a bit guilty that she doesn't have a sibling to play with at home any more. We were at capacity with three and I really don't think we could have done justice to any more DC!

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