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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU – to not feel overly "grateful" to DH for watching the kids while I go out / away with friends?

58 replies

MyBonnieLiesOverTheOcean · 02/12/2016 12:14

DH & I have 3 DCs (youngest 5, oldest 12)

We have different approaches to our social lives with friends….I plan dates ahead and he is more last minute informal (e.g. I’ve just had an email asking if OK if he goes out tonight).

I go out one or 2 nights a week with different groups of friends….always a week night – meet at 8 & home by 12. The kids are always fed and usually in PJs before I go out. I rarely go out at weekends as it’s difficult to find time that we are all around except for one weekend every year when a group of friends & I go away for the whole weekend – 4 days / 3 nights.

DH goes out less than me…last minute drinks with friends every 2nd Friday night or so. He rarely goes out midweek. He has never been away for a weekend with friends. He occasionally has a half day away playing golf or going hillwalking or for a cycle.

But because I go out more than him and especially as I have a weekend abroad every year he seems to expect that I should be more “grateful” to him for watching the kids. Don’t get me wrong – I am of course very glad that he does it….I just kind of expect that we’ll both watch the kids when the other has plans to do something. It seems to be the weekend away that he is resentful of. He would never stop me from going, but I do think he’s prefer if I didn’t go.

Of course if he wanted to go away for the weekend then he’s more than welcome to. In fact I’d be delighted if he would (not just so we would be “even” and he couldn’t bring up my weekend away as an example, but also because I think he'd enjoy some time away). He just doesn’t do it.

An argument over this gratitude was triggered this morning by me asking him about suitable dates for me to go on an outing on a Saturday in Jan for a friend’s birthday and him taking the piss a bit saying “so you bought someone a day out as a present….and got yourselves all one too!”….and then joked at me saying I “hardly see them” (I’ve only seen them twice for an evening since August) and brought up the weekend away that we go on and how I’m not grateful enough to him for all the times that I go away.

I thought that watching the kids to let the other one go out was just something that parents did for each other. I don’t expect him to thank me for “letting” him go out tonight, just as I don’t expect to have to show huge amounts of gratitude that he “allows” me this weekend away.

AIBU and should I be more grateful?

Is there a better way to deal with this unequal social life?

How do we get round this resentment it seems to be creating?

OP posts:
longdiling · 02/12/2016 12:20

I dunno, two nights a week where you're out til 12 does sound a lot. Is that what he is specifically pissed off about? If so could you give him 2 nights a week 'off' where he doesn't do bedtime or whatever? I'm a bit like you in that I go out a lot in the week - it's running and exercise classes though so I'm back in an hour. It doesn't bother dh cos he gets to do that kind of thing on his lunch break.

I'm not sure how either of us would feel about a full night out twice a week though...

Does your yearly weekend away take too much money away from the family pot? That's another consideration I guess.

NapQueen · 02/12/2016 12:25

I hate it when someone judges you by their own personal standards. So if he goes out 1ce a fortnight does he think you ought to only go out the same frequency as him?

In our house we work on a first come first served basis, usually with a "have you anything booked for x date as I want to take my mum away for the weekend" type text.

Does he do any hobbies that take him out of the house?

Two evenings a week to your self a week, whether it's a hobby or the gym or catching up with friends etc isn't excessive imo. Be nice if you both did it but if he doesn't want to then why should you curb it?

ijustwannadance · 02/12/2016 12:30

Why should you thank him. It's not watching the kids, it's being a bloody parent!

angryangryyoungwoman · 02/12/2016 12:33

No, you are not being unreasonable. If he is less sociable than you, that's his issue. Not yours. They are his children so I think being grateful is the wrong word anyway. Appreciative would be more fitting

neonrainbow · 02/12/2016 12:33

It sounds like you go out a lot though. Are you draining family finances to afford all this while he sits at home again?

Neefs · 02/12/2016 12:34

YADNBU. They are his kids, and it is his choice to do less socialising than you do.

BarbarianMum · 02/12/2016 12:34

Each marriage has to find a balance - I don't think there is any universal right or wrong. Personally I'd be a bit narked at dh being out 2 nights each week and telling me I could do the same wouldn't help because then we'd really hardly see each other. A weekend away per year in the other hand wouldn't bother me at all.

Meadows76 · 02/12/2016 12:38

I go away a few times a year and I am massively grateful to my DH that he makes it possible for me to do so. Yes it's parenting, but it's above and beyond the norms of our lives so I do very much appreciate and thank him for taking everything on himself for a few days, several times a year.

Original poster
MyBonnieLiesOverTheOcean · 02/12/2016 12:38

The yearly weekend is always as cheap as possible. We can still afford a family break (and for him to take a weekend away as well).

And I'm not out on the lash twice a week....a few drinks in the local pub or round to someones house for food or out for walk in summer or cinema or a PTA thing. Sometimes only out once a week. Some weeks I'm not out at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyBonnieLiesOverTheOcean · 02/12/2016 12:39

Yes - maybe it's the wording that's bothering me. I think I am appreciative, but the word grateful just grates on me.

OP posts:
golfbuggy · 02/12/2016 12:52

Hmm, well thinking about this a couple of different ways. If (say) you cooked 5 days a week and he cooked 2 ... would you want him to appreciate that you did more of the cooking than he did, or just accept that you were doing it as something that needed doing.

And from another point of view ... he may not want to go out to socialize so much but do you watch the DC so he can have un-interrupted tv watching/stamp collecting/gaming/crochet/whatever he wants to spend his time on/time

Witchend · 02/12/2016 12:55

I am grateful when dh watches the kids so I can go out.
He's grateful when I do.

But I would be irritated at twice a week and the response being "well you do the same then."

queenMab99 · 02/12/2016 12:59

You are either grateful or not, I don't see how you can be 'more' grateful, how would you show it? lick his feet or something? If he has a reason why you should not go out/away then he should say and you can discuss it.

AmeliaJack · 02/12/2016 13:01

Hmm.

My DH does a sport that means he is training two nights and one weekend morning every week. He also does sport related trips twice a year with friends.

All my friends think it's amazing that I accept this without complaint or some kind of "bargaining" on my side.

My DH is extremely appreciative that I cheerfully support his hobby in this way.

I'm very happy to support something that keeps him fit, challenged and happy but I'd be pretty pissed off if he sailed out the door each time without giving me a thought because "it's expected".

I work full time and do a long commute, as does he. He is very grateful for his additional "time off".

cowbag1 · 02/12/2016 13:07

I think lack of appreciation, for whatever it may be, can be a killer in a relationship. Thinking if this was reversed for me, I would think DH going out for 2 nights every week until 12 is a lot but the weekend once a year wouldn't bother me.

And it doesn't matter if you would be happy for him to do the same (which only really helps if he wants to go out that much), or if he's not doing you a favour as he should be looking after the kids anyway, he is facilitating your social life so you should be more appreciative.

BackforGood · 02/12/2016 13:09

Bit like AmeliaJack here.

People dh does his hobbies with, are often amazed that I "let him" go away so often. tbh, he was never away this often when the dc were little / getting up in the night / needing to be dressed, fed, taken everywhere - it's grown (in time) as the dcs have grown (in age). I know he 'appreciates' that it's not a problem with me, and I don't personally want to be away as much as him. I like that he has a hobby he enjoys and it's a bonus that it keeps him fit and healthy. We have made new friends through it.

Being "even" in the amount of time we are away, or out of the house wouldn't make life anymore balanced. Being able to do what you prefer to do when not at work is what makes it more balanced. So, if your dh is being restricted in what he can do by your being out so much, then yes, you should be grateful. If he prefers to stay in and read, game, watch TV, have an early night, or whatever his choice would be, then I can't see why there is any need to be grateful.

I do agree it's a bit about the wording though.

ElspethFlashman · 02/12/2016 13:12

4 days abroad every year is uncommon, I think.

It may be as cheap as possible but its still a jolly.

I'm trying to figure out if I wouldn't mind a bit if DH did that every year.....and I think I'd fail massively and be pretty jealous. Human nature, through not something I'd be proud of.

I also think I'd want him to be at least openly appreciative that Im holding the fort so he could have his yearly jolly. That's human nature too.

And then if he turned around and said "well nobody is stopping you doing the same" I'd be a bit Hmm. Cos not everyone has friends that are up for that. It's not as if you just click your fingers and hey presto jolly.

HarleyQuinzel · 02/12/2016 13:27

Why wouldn't you be grateful for the weekend away? He's going to have more to do that weekend because all the housework and childcare would be down to him. Nothing wrong with that but he's doing you a favour.

As for the 2 nights a week then as they are ready for bed I don't think you need to be grateful for that, but maybe he just wants to see more of you? I know all couples are different but I wouldn't want DP out twice a week (but obviously I wouldn't stop him). Do ever go out together?

It doesn't matter that you would do the same for him, you'd still be doing each other a favour.

WalkingCarpet · 02/12/2016 13:28

OH often turns around and says to me that nobody is stopping me going out, but, there are fewer opportunities for me, and money is an issue.
In OH's industry, there seems to be many free jollies, golf and spa days etc, and at this time of year, at least four or five evening meals out.
On top of which there is a work trip away six times a year, which always involves a luxury hotel, and an evening meal, while Dd and I are at home snuggled up on the sofa with the dogs. And a few weekends away, and a child-free wedding.

Squiff85 · 02/12/2016 13:28

I don't know, going out twice a week is a lot in my opinion.

NapQueen · 02/12/2016 13:29

Why would any adult begrudge another adult a weekend away once a year if the finances were more than comfortable enough to accommodate it?

I'd be mighty funked off if I couldn't do one trip away for a few days once a year without dh and the kids.

I'd never dream of begrudgingly him the same!

AcrossthePond55 · 02/12/2016 13:31

Exactly what is it he expects you to do to show this 'gratitude'? Or is that it isn't really 'gratitude' he wants, what he really wants is for you to stop going out 'so much'?

In our early years, DH was gone either Sat or Sun (or both) of just about every weekend from April - October doing a sport he loves. I stayed home with the DC. I never felt there should be 'tit for tat' as I was just more of a homebody at that point in our lives, or that he needed to show me 'gratitude'. He was appreciative, which to me is different. 'Gratitude' would be appropriate if I was cancelling plans so he could go out and to me implies a need for 'tit for tat'. 'Appreciation' to me is when someone acknowledges that you have done something for which you expect nothing back. I much rather someone feel appreciative of me than feel they are 'beholden' to me.

TinyTear · 02/12/2016 13:32

Im actually wondering if this is a reverse...

I do think 4 days abroad AND 2 nights a week is way too much...

Original poster
MyBonnieLiesOverTheOcean · 02/12/2016 13:35

He prefers not to go out during the week so it’s not really an issue about him wanting to go out more. I do know that it means he has to put the kids to bed, but I make sure I do it on the other nights.

And yes I watch the kids so he can go out...as I said in OP he plays golf / cycles / goes walking / goes to the pub with friends.

Maybe we’re just taking each other for granted a bit too much these days. I might suggest to him that we both make a point of thanking each other for everything we do for each other for a week. Maybe it'll make us notice each other's efforts more.

And I always do show appreciation for him holding the fort while I’m away for my weekend…I just don’t think it needs to be brought up all the time for the rest of the year!

OP posts:
Original poster
MyBonnieLiesOverTheOcean · 02/12/2016 13:37

It's not 2 nights every week. That would be the max. Sometimes it's 1, sometimes none.

OP posts: