AIBU – to not feel overly "grateful" to DH for watching the kids while I go out / away with friends?

[MyBonnieLiesOverTheOcean]

DH & I have 3 DCs (youngest 5, oldest 12)

We have different approaches to our social lives with friends….I plan dates ahead and he is more last minute informal (e.g. I’ve just had an email asking if OK if he goes out tonight).

I go out one or 2 nights a week with different groups of friends….always a week night – meet at 8 & home by 12. The kids are always fed and usually in PJs before I go out. I rarely go out at weekends as it’s difficult to find time that we are all around except for one weekend every year when a group of friends & I go away for the whole weekend – 4 days / 3 nights.

DH goes out less than me…last minute drinks with friends every 2nd Friday night or so. He rarely goes out midweek. He has never been away for a weekend with friends. He occasionally has a half day away playing golf or going hillwalking or for a cycle.

But because I go out more than him and especially as I have a weekend abroad every year he seems to expect that I should be more “grateful” to him for watching the kids. Don’t get me wrong – I am of course very glad that he does it….I just kind of expect that we’ll both watch the kids when the other has plans to do something. It seems to be the weekend away that he is resentful of. He would never stop me from going, but I do think he’s prefer if I didn’t go.

Of course if he wanted to go away for the weekend then he’s more than welcome to. In fact I’d be delighted if he would (not just so we would be “even” and he couldn’t bring up my weekend away as an example, but also because I think he'd enjoy some time away). He just doesn’t do it.

An argument over this gratitude was triggered this morning by me asking him about suitable dates for me to go on an outing on a Saturday in Jan for a friend’s birthday and him taking the piss a bit saying “so you bought someone a day out as a present….and got yourselves all one too!”….and then joked at me saying I “hardly see them” (I’ve only seen them twice for an evening since August) and brought up the weekend away that we go on and how I’m not grateful enough to him for all the times that I go away.

I thought that watching the kids to let the other one go out was just something that parents did for each other. I don’t expect him to thank me for “letting” him go out tonight, just as I don’t expect to have to show huge amounts of gratitude that he “allows” me this weekend away.

AIBU and should I be more grateful?

Is there a better way to deal with this unequal social life?

How do we get round this resentment it seems to be creating?

I am surprised at the posters who think two nights out a week is a lot...

YANBU Bonnie Why should you/any parent feel "grateful" that your child's
other parent will be looking after the children when you are out? Particularly when you make it clear you have discussed it and he/she has the same opportunities you have.

No idea why anyone is disagreeing with you I agree with Happy

amelia the OP isn't talking about what is fair or balanced, she is talking about her partner making her feel that she should be grateful she can go out. She says he seems to expect that I should be more “grateful” to him for watching the kids. Don’t get me wrong – I am of course very glad that he does it….I just kind of expect that we’ll both watch the kids when the other has plans to do something. I think some posters are derailing and going off on a tangent about how much going out is fair, which isn't what the OP asked......................

I don't think you should take him for granted, but that doesn't mean you have to be lavishing praise and gratitude on him every time. Your time out sounds fine to me, though Id say perhaps you could do with making sure you have enough good quality time together as well.

sophie nowhere have I said that going out twice a week is a lot. Nowhere have I criticised the OP for it or said she should cut back.

The OP is indeed talking about how her DH makes her feel. She is also talking about how her DH feels about her social life. The two things are connected.

I have been talking about how I feel about my DH going about a similar amount and how we make it work for us.

Amelia you specifically said about your own DH/situation - He is very grateful for his additional "time off".

This does imply that you think there is some gratitude implicit in taking care of your own children whilst your partner has a normal social life. Unless you think what your DH does is excessive? Perhaps you should start your own thread?

I am off out and will leave you to your rather confusing defensive posts - DH can look after the kids and I will bow down to him for his amazing deference to me

sophie it's very interesting how tone can be misconstrued on the internet. I'm not in any way defensive.

My DH is grateful for my support of his sport. I didn't tell him he should be, he just is, because he's nice.

Time away from work, from the responsibilities of home and children is "time off" whether it's sitting in the pub, strolling round a gallery or participating in triathlons.

I think that everyone should have time off, time to themselves where possible - it's healthy. It needs to be done in such a way as to avoid any resentment building up between partners though.

I apologise if I have confused you though sophie. At least I wasn't rude to you though.

I love how Amelia is a surrendered wife because her DH is doing similar to the OP.

No one's said it isn't normal to watch your kids while your OH goes out. I would expect a present on my birthday but that doesn't mean I wouldn't be grateful for it.

He's jealous you have a better social life than him. So he's making you feel shit for it. DH was like this. He couldn't be arsed making an effort with his friends for nights out and weekends but got pissed off when I did. He didn't have any hobbies but was annoyed because I have. I pointed this out and told him to either make an effort to go out or stop moaning because I wasn't going to sit in the house just because he was. He has eventually made an effort taken up a hobby again and and the childcare arrangements are now far more evenly spread.