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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU – to not feel overly "grateful" to DH for watching the kids while I go out / away with friends?

58 replies

MyBonnieLiesOverTheOcean · 02/12/2016 12:14

DH & I have 3 DCs (youngest 5, oldest 12)

We have different approaches to our social lives with friends….I plan dates ahead and he is more last minute informal (e.g. I’ve just had an email asking if OK if he goes out tonight).

I go out one or 2 nights a week with different groups of friends….always a week night – meet at 8 & home by 12. The kids are always fed and usually in PJs before I go out. I rarely go out at weekends as it’s difficult to find time that we are all around except for one weekend every year when a group of friends & I go away for the whole weekend – 4 days / 3 nights.

DH goes out less than me…last minute drinks with friends every 2nd Friday night or so. He rarely goes out midweek. He has never been away for a weekend with friends. He occasionally has a half day away playing golf or going hillwalking or for a cycle.

But because I go out more than him and especially as I have a weekend abroad every year he seems to expect that I should be more “grateful” to him for watching the kids. Don’t get me wrong – I am of course very glad that he does it….I just kind of expect that we’ll both watch the kids when the other has plans to do something. It seems to be the weekend away that he is resentful of. He would never stop me from going, but I do think he’s prefer if I didn’t go.

Of course if he wanted to go away for the weekend then he’s more than welcome to. In fact I’d be delighted if he would (not just so we would be “even” and he couldn’t bring up my weekend away as an example, but also because I think he'd enjoy some time away). He just doesn’t do it.

An argument over this gratitude was triggered this morning by me asking him about suitable dates for me to go on an outing on a Saturday in Jan for a friend’s birthday and him taking the piss a bit saying “so you bought someone a day out as a present….and got yourselves all one too!”….and then joked at me saying I “hardly see them” (I’ve only seen them twice for an evening since August) and brought up the weekend away that we go on and how I’m not grateful enough to him for all the times that I go away.

I thought that watching the kids to let the other one go out was just something that parents did for each other. I don’t expect him to thank me for “letting” him go out tonight, just as I don’t expect to have to show huge amounts of gratitude that he “allows” me this weekend away.

AIBU and should I be more grateful?

Is there a better way to deal with this unequal social life?

How do we get round this resentment it seems to be creating?

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 02/12/2016 13:39

But do you ever go out together at all? Just the two of you?

youngestisapsycho · 02/12/2016 13:40

I go out quite often... I have lots of friends and a good social life, OTA meetings etc... MY DH hardly goes anywhere, his choice.
He couldn't really care less where I'm going and how often. He is happy at home, the kids go to bed, he watches TV, plays on PS4. He is usually in bed by 9.30 as has early starts.
Your DH isn't 'watching' the kids, he is just at home with them. Does he resent your nights out because he wants to be doing something with you himself? And as for a weekend away every year, nothing wrong with that. My mum used to go away for week with her girlfriends every year, and my dad had a golf holiday with his friends. You can do things without your DP.

MissAsippi · 02/12/2016 13:46

I would honestly say that it sounds like you're going out quite a lot and I would probably be fairly annoyed as your spouse

YelloDraw · 02/12/2016 13:51

Thing is if he did the same as you there would only be 1 night a week you are both together.

Might be nice to do some socializing together?

loobyloo1234 · 02/12/2016 13:58

Social life police are out in force as always Confused

If the kids are in bed, and you would otherwise just be sat at home doing nothing, I don't see the issue OP. Like you say, he could do the same if he wanted to. Tell him to go out more or stop moaning Grin

user1471439727 · 02/12/2016 14:06

It's very easy to feel taken for granted, even if you're not.

hiccupgirl · 02/12/2016 14:08

I go out a night every week for the choir I'm part of so DH holds the fort then. I also go out probably once a month or so for a meal with friends or a coffee at the weekend.

DH's social life is very different - he goes away for the weekend with a group of friends at least 4 times a year. Sometimes DS goes with him but often not. DH doesn't like going out in the evenings and doesn't do 'meeting friends for coffee'. IMO it balances out and neither of us need to be 'grateful' to each other.

If your DH could go out more but chooses not to then why should you curtail what you want to do? As long as you're not out all the time or draining the family money to fund it then I don't see a problem tbh.

bluebeck · 02/12/2016 14:10

Bloody hell OP I can't believe the bashing you're getting here.

Of course you should be able to go out once or twice a week and have a weekend away with your mates! How bloody ridiculous to suggest you should be grateful for this. Angry

I would have a talk to him about his use of the word and see if it is just semantics or if he really does have a horrible misogynistic view that you should be chained to the home and he is somehow a Superhero for "allowing you out."

TheGruffaloMother · 02/12/2016 14:13

I think 2 nights a week + a holiday is only 'too much' if your partner resents it (or if you can't afford it). And from what you've said, he does.

Have you had a proper talk with him about it or is it just sniping so far?

Do you make a point of spending 1-2 evenings a week doing something nice together at home?

SapphireStrange · 02/12/2016 14:19

YANBU and he can sod off.

NapQueen · 02/12/2016 14:21

Yello 2 nights for her and 2 for him leaves 3 nights together.

Memoires · 02/12/2016 14:22

Thanking each other would be helpful and nice, and perhaps something you should both be doing anyway.

However, I thank dh for lots of things he does, but he doesn't really notice what I do, so I don't tend to get many thanks. How would that work for you? Would he thank you for minding the children when he goes out, or would he just expect it? What would you do about that? Would you ask him to thank you or would you point out that he hadn't and suggest that therefore his requirement tht you be grateful is UR?

Also cleaning, tidying, etc. What do you expect of each other? Does he expect gratitude for any of that, and does he give thanks when you do? Is it confined to cups of tea etc?

Original poster
MyBonnieLiesOverTheOcean · 02/12/2016 14:23

We don't go out together v often - usually save the babysitters for when we're going to a party or a "do".

We do have a nice dinner together without the kids most Saturday nights though.

Got a child free putting planned next weekend so looking forward to that.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyBonnieLiesOverTheOcean · 02/12/2016 14:23

Outing!!! We're not going putting!

OP posts:
Neefs · 02/12/2016 14:26

Why is looking after your own kids doing someone a 'favour'? OP said it isn't always twice a week, and a weekend away once a year isn't much! 3-4 days out of 365.

I agree with pp who say it is normal to be appreciative but why do you need to be grateful all year round because you go away once a year?

AmeliaJack · 02/12/2016 14:28

bluebeck the thing is though that as they have children the OP can only go out/go away because her DH facilitates it by being available for the children. As I do for my DH.

I don't expect lavish praise but I don't expect to be taken for granted either.

My DH regularly acknowledges how important my support is to his sport. He always checks if I'm ok with it before organising dates etc.

Flowers and my favourite treats tend to appear in the kitchen before weekends away. Social media posts with pictures of his achievements/trips have a little "thanks to Amelia and the DC" message.

These are the little things that make a difference. Healthy relationships are about partnership and agreeing things jointly not standing on your right to be allowed out.

bluebeck · 02/12/2016 14:33

Amelia you say He always checks if I'm ok with it before organising dates etc. but the OP says that is EXACTLY what she was doing when all this bubbled up. I see no evidence at all of OP taking her DH for granted.

Why do you say the OP can only go away if her DH facilitates it ? She might have wider family or childcare available to her if DH was unavailable for some reason.

The way I read it, the OP appreciates the fact she has a balanced partnership where she has a reasonable social life, but doesn't expect to be treated as though this is somehow a huge bloody concession she should feel she is lucky to have.

NickyEds · 02/12/2016 14:48

I don't really see the issue op. Sounds like he's just got a grump on. I go out twice a week, one night I do slimming world and one night I meet my dad and sister in the pub. I checked with dp before starting slimming world as he needs to be home 20 minutes earlier than usual but I just let him know about the pub nights- same if I want a night out with friends. If he wants to go out the same applies, we just check that the other isn't doing anything. I'm not grateful as such, definitely not shoe kissing gratitude! I'm glad that he is cabable and willing when it comes to child care as a lot of my friends partners are not. I'm a SAHM so tbh if I didn't go out without dp and the kids I would go nuts- something we've discussed several times.

AmeliaJack · 02/12/2016 14:50

blue it's not balanced if her DH doesn't feel it's not.

Which he apparently doesn't.

And having to pay for childcare or having to lean on family for every outing would no doubt lead to less nights out do her DH does facilitate it.

It's not an issue that the OP can solve here though, it needs proper discussion with her DH to get to the heart of his concerns.

I was only trying to point out that his having concerns (whether they be time based or financial) was not necessarily unreasonable.

ThanksSpanx · 02/12/2016 15:05

With us it's the other way round. DH went on a break with friends over the summer, has done a couple of weekend trips to see family abroad and is having two breaks with friends in Spring next year. In that time I'll have had two weekends away with my friends. We have about one night out a week each and DH books me the occasional weekend spa day (I know that's not very MN but I am grateful for it!).

He is very grateful that I'm happy for him to have so many weekends off and I appreciate that he has our DD when I have plans. He's aware I've got a few weekends off in the bank for when I need them!

ThanksSpanx · 02/12/2016 15:06

Sorry, in response to your AIBU- no, I don't think you are, but it sounds like he was only making a gentle, jokey dig so I'd maybe just allow him every opportunity to redress the balance and make sure he knows you appreciate your weekends freedom!

happychristmasbum · 02/12/2016 15:11

Wow there's some surrendered wives on here!

it's not balanced if her DH doesn't feel it's not. Are you serious Amalia? So whatever he says is balanced is correct because he has a penis?

OP you say you are perfectly happy for your DH to go out and do exactly what you do, you consult with him before making arrangements, and appreciate what he does. I totally agree with you that you should not have to feel grateful that the little woman is allowed out of the house to socialise. and I totally agree OP when you say
"I thought that watching the kids to let the other one go out was just something that parents did for each other." So did I. Not cause for a fanfare or a medal.

AmeliaJack · 02/12/2016 15:25

I'm laughing at the description of myself as a "surrendered wife" Happy

What the fuck has it got to do with the fact that her DH has a penis?

I'd say the same if the OP was a man or if she was in a same sex relationship.

Relationships are about finding a balance that keeps both partners happy. (hence the word balance)

Where in my posts have I said that the OP should be a good little woman sitting at home tending to her DH's every whim?

Where have I said she shouldn't go out/away or that he gets to decide?

I've said they need to agree together. That's nothing to do with his penis. It's about having some consideration for the feelings of the person you love.

BackforGood · 02/12/2016 15:35

What an odd post Happy
Everyone else on this thread is talking about partnerships - about what is / isn't fair, what should be appreciated /. what should be expected in a partnership. It's got nothing to do with if the OP's partner has a penis or not. they could be a same sex couple, or it could be about the man going out and the woman feeling put upon.
Methinks you have some kind of issue here, which is nothing to do with the discussion on this thread.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/12/2016 15:44

Amazing how many people think DWs are U to object to DHs going on four-week stags holidays to Thailand but when a DW wants to go out with her friends or for a weekend she is U and needs to spend more time with her DH.

OP, if your DH doesn't want to go out much, that's his choice. For the record I effusively thank DH for lots of things and he does me. It works for us. Everyone gets a warm glow of thankfulness!