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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who is BU? DP ExW or me - Christmas edition!

76 replies

disgustedoftwells · 02/12/2016 11:01

I'll try my best to get to the crux of the matter without drip-feeding too much.

DP and ExW divorced over 10 years ago when their son was 1. DP was making insane money at the time and ordered to pay just under £2,000 a month to ExW for child-support (including £50,000 maintenance a year before she re-married) + mortgage free house. DP wants to be the best dad he can and whilst he no longer earns an insane salary, he still pays ridiculous monthly child-support AND private school fees. We are just about managing on the rest of our incomes but it's been a bone of contention for quite some time (but that's for another thread!).

For Christmas DPs son has asked his mum for a very expensive gift around £400 (I think a playstation or iPhone or something like that. Didn't really ask for details). DS ExW has rung DP and asked to spilt the money for the gift and shall we go over their place on Christmas morning (with her current husband and two other children) to open the present?

Um... no. This year is our year to have DPs son and I don't want to spend my Christmas morning at 'her' house (which DP paid for) waiting for son to open a present from "all of us". Surely we should buy him a separate gift from DP and I, and ExW should buy him the large gift with the money DP gives her. It's more than enough! And DPs son should not spend Christmas morning at his mum's house but rather our house as its 'our' year.

AIBU in asking her to pay for the big gift and not go over on Christmas morning?

OP posts:

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 02/12/2016 11:03

What do you think your DP's son would prefer?

Evilstepmum01 · 02/12/2016 11:06

Oooh, step-parent in AIBU, I would gget this moved to step-parenting!

Personally, I think you have a DP problem, not an ExW. You need to speak to him about this as its his kid. If you want christmas with your DP and not his exwife, get it sorted now. tell your dp what you've said here.

Otherwise, welcome to step-parenting, you may have to suck this one up!

RedHelenB · 02/12/2016 11:06

How does DP feel? And his son.You might feel better if you stop feeeing resentful about the money- the settlement has happened, your DP wants to pay as his father - that is a good thing.

Inthenick · 02/12/2016 11:07

I think a bit of compromise maybe? She can buy him the big gift, you guys buy him a gift, and he spends a bit of Christmas morning with his mum and siblings before coming to you for lunch and the rest of the day. You can't really drag him out first thing when his siblings are having Christmas fun with mum and step dad! But you're not unreasonable to not want to join them there.

Inthenick · 02/12/2016 11:08

Oh yeah, and forget about the settlement. It relates to their marriage. Nothing to do with you. The maintenance can maybe be reduced a bit if it's too much for your DP's current incomings.

Willyoujustbequiet · 02/12/2016 11:09

On the face of it I think it was nice of her to extend an invitation.

You need to get over the settlement. Do what the child would want.

thinkimcrazy · 02/12/2016 11:09

Why doesn't she come to you guys if he's at yours and where would the PlayStation be kept? I personally would say no that you guys are getting your own present and I would also get your DP to review his maintenance. If she's living in a mortgage free and getting just under 2k a month how is she not able to afford his present?

MoonfaceAndSilky · 02/12/2016 11:10

Couldn't you meet in the middle and pay a little bit of the expensive gift but then buy your own gift for him as well, which he will open at your house as it's your turn to have him? Failing that tell her that she gets quite enough money off of you already and to buy her own bloody present

HoopsandEverything · 02/12/2016 11:10

Does she bring the son to yours when it is "your" year for Christmas morning?

I think she is being unreasonable in asking your DP to split the present money as I see no issue with you all buying presents for him separately. If he wants something expensive he should save up for it, or one of you could agree to get it without involving the other parent if they wanted to spend that much money on one gift. I think parents should be allowed to chose children's gifts separately though.

I think you may be being unreasonable about the Christmas morning thing if she has brought him round to yours in the past. One hour on Christmas morning if he wishes with his mum is not really a big deal in the scheme of things. I don't get the "your year, their year" thing though - it's Christmas, it's about the children, not about who's bloody year it is.

DailyMailSucksAss · 02/12/2016 11:11

Your dp needs to get the maintenace reviewed. What happens when you have kids? You can't have that kind of inequality in the family.

pictish · 02/12/2016 11:11

What does your stepson want and what does your dp think about it? I assume they get a say in the proceedings?

Original poster

disgustedoftwells · 02/12/2016 11:13

Thinkimcrazy - that's a good idea to have ExW and son over at our house instead, I hadn't thought of that as a compromise. Whatever the present is it will be staying at ExWs house though but I agree; she has the money to buy the present so don't know why she is asking for more.

OP posts:

DamsonGinIsMyThing · 02/12/2016 11:14

See I don't get this.
My now ExDP had a daughter and Christmas Day was at her mums, she had younger siblings and it made sense, and most importantly it was where she wanted to be on Christmas morning. Me and exDP would go round in the morning, bring her presents from us and for her siblings and have a coffee with her mum and step dad. All polite.
Cos we were adults. Who figured that children weren't commodities, there wasn't an 'our turn/their turn' because it was a five year olds Christmas.

martinisandcake · 02/12/2016 11:15

Have they a history of buying a making gift for DS together, this may just be one of those old habits which is hard to let go of rather than her being greedy...

BestZebbie · 02/12/2016 11:15

It sounds as if she isn't trying to screw you out of another £200, she is trying to be considerate and keep things fair about present-giving, so that the child doesn't end up with a giant present from one parent and much less given to him by the other. That is a nice thing to do for your DP.

DoItTooJulia · 02/12/2016 11:17

I think it sounds lovely that you could all have breakfast together and watch the DC open an amazing gift.

But it's only lovely if you all want to do it. If you don't it'll be forced and horrid. Your dss is lucky to have parents that think like they do-that can be in the same room, and share the joy that is christmas.

But you don't have to go along with it, although I think you do need to do what's best for the child. If it's best that you hang out for sticking to the contact arrangement because you'll be resentful and miserable if it's done the other way, you need to sort that out with your dp.

I would gently suggest that these issues won't be issues for very long, so if you can go along with the breakfast all together plan, give it your best shot.

Kazplus2 · 02/12/2016 11:20

Maybe the mum thinks that one gift at around £400 is more than enough for son so better split between parents rather than have son receive two very expensive gifts! I can see the logic in that to be fair. Smaller gifts can be separate.

WorraLiberty · 02/12/2016 11:21

You've forgotten to mention what your DP and his son think?

Do you have any kids of your own to consider?

WannaBe · 02/12/2016 11:22

You sound like one of those bitter new partners who resents the fact that your DP pays his ex money for their son. What money he pays his ex is none of your business as it was an arrangement made before you got together. If maintenance needs reviewing that is between him and his ex.

WRT the Christmas present, he's asked, the ex has approached his father to see if they want to go halves on the present, and she has suggested you all come over to all be there when he opens it. TBH I can't see anything wrong with that, although I can see that you might feel awkward going over to his ex wife's house. All this talk of "it's our turn," just makes it sound like taking turns with a child... It's Christmas, it needn't be so regimented.

And WRT the present, playing devil's advocate here slightly, if the mum buys a hugely expensive present and his dad e.g. Buys a small one, then it's possible that your DP will feel outdone by his ex wrt giving of presents. At least this way the ex has suggested the big present come from both of them rather than her be the one to be seen as extravagant.

Allthebestnamesareused · 02/12/2016 11:22

Personally as both a Mum and a step-Mum we have always bought separate gifts (ie. separate to the other parents). If the child is only 11 presumably the gift will be used at Mum's house and on her income if she wants to buy him that gift then she should buy it alone/with her current DH for her child with DP/you buying a different gift. My answer may differ if the only way to afford such a gift was to go halves.

Also if it is your DP's/your year to have him then that should carry on as it has for the past 10 years and not suddenly switch to an all party affair unless all parties want it (which clearly you don't).

Has your DP expressed his opinion as to what he'd rather do (if you had already not made it clear what you'd like the answer to be)? Obviously if you had already expressed your opinion he may say that is what he wants (for the sake of peace at home).

To the poster who doesn't get the your year/our year thing : we live 2 hours away from ex so the logistics made it simpler to one year us have kids from Christmas Eve to Boxing Day and the next year for ex to have kids from Christmas Eve to Boxing Day. It has never been a problem. The other family would then have the kids over New Year. It is not as simple as being 20 minutes down the road so collections and drop offs and having an hour here there and everywhere and getting back for lunch - the same as it is for many threads on here trying to juggle parents and PILs.

Mybeautifullife1 · 02/12/2016 11:24

Perhaps you could suggest that as DSS will be at yours, not hers, she come to you?

eyebrowsonfleek · 02/12/2016 11:26

It's a bit "off" to assume that she has bad intentions behind the gift. If she spends £400 on him, is it going to make your dp pressured to "up" his usual present budget? £400 from her and £400 from his dad is possibly excessive in her eyes? (Especially if dss has siblings at mum's house) She probably wants to get him more than one gift so if her present budget is £400 then £200 on the gadget and £200 on bits and bobs might sit better with her?

With regards to opening it at her house, that is unreasonable. I'd invite her and dss round on Xmas Day to your house for the opening.

As for the maintenance, it's your h's fault that he hasn't readjusted not the ex's fault. Would she know his current salary anyway?

Original poster

disgustedoftwells · 02/12/2016 11:26

Thanks doitjulia and every one else that has replied with similar suggestions that I just go and fake a smile and make polite conversation at their house in the morning while opening presents. I think dss would love it if we were all there together even though that sounds like a nightmare to me.

I think I really am just bitter and jealous A PP up thread mentioned inequality in the family when DP and I eventually have children and i think this is why I have put it off. We can't currently afford to give our future children the life DP gives his son and that makes me incredibly upset and bitter but DP feels torn - he wants to stick to his divorce settlement and put his son through private schooling. But if it is at the detriment to our future children then I don't know what to do or think!

OP posts:

HoopsandEverything · 02/12/2016 11:27

Allthebestnamesareused Thanks - that was me! My misunderstanding on this was more when it's possible that children can see both parents that people say "No it's our year". I do understand when their are distances involved etc.

satinthedark · 02/12/2016 11:32

Stick your head in regarding the monies - you were not around at the time ( unless you were the OW !!) you have his version of events not the full version. How long have you been in this relationship.

If he can not afford it, then he negotiates a change.

With regard to the present - we have always bought the main present from Mum and Dad. This prevented the Dad bought me, Mum bought me one up man ship, playing off against each other and it got opened on Xmas Eve together.

Incidentally, it is the kids Xmas not yours or hers, you make it sound like a battle.

Nice that she has invited you all over - up to you if you do not want to go for an hour or so.

You sound like a toddler having a tantrum.

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