Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Who is BU? DP ExW or me - Christmas edition!

76 replies

disgustedoftwells · 02/12/2016 11:01

I'll try my best to get to the crux of the matter without drip-feeding too much.

DP and ExW divorced over 10 years ago when their son was 1. DP was making insane money at the time and ordered to pay just under £2,000 a month to ExW for child-support (including £50,000 maintenance a year before she re-married) + mortgage free house. DP wants to be the best dad he can and whilst he no longer earns an insane salary, he still pays ridiculous monthly child-support AND private school fees. We are just about managing on the rest of our incomes but it's been a bone of contention for quite some time (but that's for another thread!).

For Christmas DPs son has asked his mum for a very expensive gift around £400 (I think a playstation or iPhone or something like that. Didn't really ask for details). DS ExW has rung DP and asked to spilt the money for the gift and shall we go over their place on Christmas morning (with her current husband and two other children) to open the present?

Um... no. This year is our year to have DPs son and I don't want to spend my Christmas morning at 'her' house (which DP paid for) waiting for son to open a present from "all of us". Surely we should buy him a separate gift from DP and I, and ExW should buy him the large gift with the money DP gives her. It's more than enough! And DPs son should not spend Christmas morning at his mum's house but rather our house as its 'our' year.

AIBU in asking her to pay for the big gift and not go over on Christmas morning?

OP posts:

bluebeck · 02/12/2016 11:33

I don't think his is your fight OP.

If your DP wants to remind his XW that DS is due to be at yours Christmas Day then that's his call. At some point though it will be up to DS to decide.

I also wouldn't get involved in the present sharing thing. If DP wants to present share with XW then it's his call.

Where I do think YANBU is in not wanting to spend Christmas Day with XW. Either he comes to you as planned or is with XW. Regardless of present sharing.

Justmuddlingalong · 02/12/2016 11:34

It sounds like the exW would be damned whatever she suggested.

shovetheholly · 02/12/2016 11:38

I can't honestly see how this is not your business, given that you're having to put off having your own children because the support paid to the existing child is so high. If you're serious that this is the case, then that is a very bad situation indeed.

There has to be an accommodation that can be made here and that is going to involved a LOT of talking with your DP. It's really between the two of you to decide what is reasonable in the circumstances. Personally, while I think your DP ought to pay the maximum he can, I don't think any child needs to be privately educated.

I worry that putting off your own life plans could have significant consequences for this relationship. How will you feel if you aren't able to have children later on because you've waited?

MoonfaceAndSilky · 02/12/2016 11:39

You sound like one of those bitter new partners who resents the fact that your DP pays his ex money for their son. What money he pays his ex is none of your business

Of course it's her business, he's her partner. The money thing needs sorting out, especially if they decide to have their own children. She doesn't sound like a 'bitter new partner' either

DailyMailSucksAss · 02/12/2016 11:40

You need to review the settlement tbh. Your future kids would end up growing to resent your dss and your dp. If the ex partner doesn't like this and she and her partner can pay for private school instead, but I bet her partner would have the same concerns as you do about this inequitable arrangement.

alotlikeChristmas16 · 02/12/2016 11:40

the Christmas issue is a tiny a side-show, I'd try and suck it up for the sake of the DSS, season of goodwill and all that. I DO think you need to have lots of chats with your DH about when you want babies together, and how you'll afford that and what you'll afford, it's palpable that your sense of resentment is building and needs to be resolved in a way you feel appropriate.

Bambamrubblesmum · 02/12/2016 11:41

to the detriment of future children

I think that's where your problem is, your partner already has a child. He should be planning future children on the basis that it isn't detrimental to his existing child.

That's probably not what you want to hear but as a parent that should be what he needs to focus on.

Equally it would be unfair of him to have more children knowing that he couldn't give them the same lifestyle he gives his son.

Can you make up the difference with regard to private schooling if you have children?

DailyMailSucksAss · 02/12/2016 11:41

OP is suffering because DP isn't taking his new financial circumstances into account. She doesn't sound selfish at all.

Starlight2345 · 02/12/2016 11:42

There are a few things assuming DSS is 11 he is reaching the age where he starts to get a choice..So what does he want..Assuming none of the presents so far have been joint I would say we get our own...

DailyMailSucksAss · 02/12/2016 11:43

Bambam the point is OP's dp is only just making ends meet with the current arrangement which was agreed when his income was far higher. He has to review it but hasn't probably because of stubborness. If they had kids in the future they wouldn't be able to keep the dss in the lifestyle he's become accustomed to.

MariePoppins · 02/12/2016 11:45

I like the idea that your ds is at your house (after all your dss and your DH are entitled to have a christmas at his father's house with all the difference in how you do things etc..) and to invite the ex instead.

I have an issue with going to the ex not because she is the ex but because it ends looking like the only important place is her house. It looks like it's not possible to have a nice time, spend time as a family at his dad house iyswim.
At least that's how I would have seen things as a child.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 02/12/2016 11:47

It is not unreasonable for her to ask to have the gift from both of you, there are many reasons,lots of them considerate ones as to why this may be more appropriate.

It would also not be unreasonable for dad to consider the request and either accept or decline, it would be unreasonable to dismiss it automatically.

It is also not unreasonable for her to suggest a shared gift opening session and it would not be unreasonable for him to consider the childs needs and his wishes and feelings and either accept or decline

It is unreasonable for you to pressure him to make a choice that is based on your lack of a desire to be in her company

It is also unreasonable for you to make such an issue out of any divorce settlement they had and the CM situation

Children are not possessions to be shared out rigidly and CM is not something that should be changed because your next wife does not like it.

eyebrowsonfleek · 02/12/2016 11:47

It's a shame that your h didn't renegotiate things with his ex. Children go up to secondary school when they are 11 so paying fees until then would have been more than generous. (Application deadline was 31 October here)

You have to let go about the money. That's between your h and his ex. If he won't deal with the guilt he feels about his marriage breaking down, then there is nothing that you can do. He can't really buy his way out of his guilt but that is his choice.

I think you are right to be cautious about getting pregnant. These days, parents have to top up children at university so he's financially committed until dss is at least 21. I'm lucky to live in an area with excellent state schools but if not, I would feel annoyed that not all kids were getting an great education. (i know that there are shit private schools before anyone flames me)

MariePoppins · 02/12/2016 11:48

Re the money, yep, it looks strange that the ex is asking for money for that.
Either she can afford to give it to him and does or she can't.
Or is the issue that she can't and feels that your DH is always the one that gives his ds all the expensive stuff?

Last word re the settlement. I think you have a big issue there.
I can see why he doesn't want to stop paying the private school fees etc.. and change things for his ds.
However, if they were still married, chances are that things would have changed if he isn't earning as much and it is not right that you are struggling to try and meet up an agreement made at a time when things were different.
Does his ex knows about the financial change? (Assuming things are amicable enough if she is inviting you at Christmas)

alotlikeChristmas16 · 02/12/2016 11:49

the fighting over the where and the details about Christmas - it's so trivial and petty. This is about bigger and more important things like private vs state schooling, how much Op is going to have to work if she can afford a baby, whether DH wants another baby if it'll have a 'worse' life. Sit your DH down, talk to him about the real issues, cave graciously about this particular present issue and make progress the real things.

WannaBe · 02/12/2016 11:49

But OP went into this relationship presumably knowing what the financial circumstances were. In any relationship we base our ability to have future children on whether or not we can afford to give all our children the same lifestyle. This would be the case even if the DP and his ex had stayed together.

The DP had a child already who he is financially responsible for. All too often it seems that new partners enter the equation and start making a big deal about the fact that because he pays maintenance for his existing children they somehow have to suffer for it. That's the price you pay when you get involved with a man who already has children.

Nobody should be having more children if that means that those children will be there to the detriment of existing children. If you can't afford them then you don't have them. So it would be down to the oP and her DP to talk about whether they can afford children of their own or whether the OP perhaps should reconsider the relationship.

Pinkandpurplehairedlady · 02/12/2016 11:51

My and ex and I tend to split main presents between us, it's not because I'm money grabbing but because it's shows the children we are still their parents together even if we're no longer a couple. I'd be pretty annoyed if his new wife insinuated that I was being money grabbing by asking him if he wanted to split the cost of something for our children 50/50.

ollieplimsoles · 02/12/2016 11:51

We can't currently afford to give our future children the life DP gives his son and that makes me incredibly upset and bitter but DP feels torn

See, this is a big issue that is really at play here.
It sounds like you want your life with your dp to move forward with your own family and he is dragged down by hos previous life with ex.
Its commendable he wants the best for his son, but personally I couldn't settle down with someone who was ok with only just making ends meet with me and slaving away while his ex wife lived in a house he paid for and his son going to private school.

Sounds like he doesn't want to accommodate a family life with you tbh, or he would cut maintenance to his ex down so you afford your own kids.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 02/12/2016 11:53

I don't think any child needs to be privately educated

There are thousands of children in this country who are privately educated because there are no state schools at all available to meet their needs and that is usually assessed by the local authority themselves

alotlikeChristmas16 · 02/12/2016 11:56

i can sympathize with the big problem, absolutely. Although I disagree with some posters, I wouldn't be put off having a baby (this is the biggest issue to me) just because we couldn't offer the exact same exalted lifestyle. In fact, if DH changed nothing I'd still go ahead because it's perfectly acceptable to state educate, have 2 full-time working parents and just get by financially, doesn't mean you shouldn't have babies. Not having babies when you want them would make me bitter, resentful and crackers. Everything else can be worked out somehow.

Bambamrubblesmum · 02/12/2016 11:59

Thanks for pointing out the point just in case I missed it patronising much.

I think you are missing the point. Dad wants to honour the commitment he made to his son despite reduced circumstances. Good on him.

If the dad's priority is to keep his son in the lifestyle he wants him to have, then he simply cannot afford more children on his existing salary.

If that commitment is no longer viable because of money then that's a different conversation. But just changing it because it might be detrimental to future unborn kids would be unfair.

BestZebbie · 02/12/2016 12:03

Yes, sadly for you, you either have to choose to have your child in the situation where they get less than the previous son, because that is what you as a couple have now and you decide to have a child anyway, or you don't have children because your DP can't afford it due to his pre-existing child. Looking after a child who already exists has to take priority over one that doesn't and might never do so.

SEsofty · 02/12/2016 12:06

Lots of people are restricted in how many children they have by finances and wanting to provide equally for each child.

The issue for you is that he already has a child. therefore you need to decide whether you want your partner or you want your 'own' child.

This is not about Christmas but about the fundamental of your relationship

DailyMailSucksAss · 02/12/2016 12:13

Bambam and that's how conflict arises in blended families and why step-siblings don't get on. My partner has a dd from a prev marriage and in our case we are the 'wealthy' ones. We agreed that when we have kids we'd send them and dd to private school to make things equitable, and so have sent dd to private school now. However if circumstances changed we wouldn't keep one child in private school while the others didn't go. That would be unfair.

franincisco · 02/12/2016 12:14

I actually think the ExW is being really good about putting her ds's needs first, and the OP's DH clearly wants to do his best regarding his son, so I would much prefer this situation than being married to someone who had a bitter ex who made things difficult at every opportunity. Count yourself lucky there OP!

I think you need to assess your likelihood of being happy with your DH in the long term. You seem very resentful of the "ridiculous" amounts he has paid before you were even on the scene. He seems committed to maintaining his son in his current lifestyle which is commendable. If I was paying X amount of maintenance for my child and my partner complained about it I know what I would be changing.

Flip

1 2 3 4