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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to really resent the presents I sent!

72 replies

Namechangebitch · 01/12/2016 19:31

DP is the youngest child in his family. Our DC are the youngest nephews/nieces. For years we bought and sent decent presents to Bil and Sils children ( DP has one sister and one brother). On their eighteenth's we made a big effort and sent good presents worth approx £100 - then we bought no more presents for that child.

Our DC are a lot younger. As we stopped buying for their DC our DCs presents got cheaper and later. Bil £5 in a card. Sil a T-shirt or £10.

This year was our eldest child's eighteenth - he got £10 from Bil and a card - 5 days late with nothing in it from Sil.

I know present giving shouldn't be about what you get in return, but ffs the miserable bastards were happy for us to buy for their kids but won't return the favour.

The nephews and nieces appreciated the effort and are always nice to us when we meet up but just at the moment I resent every penny. To make it worse DP is upset about it so I am having to be all 'reasonable' so as not to make him feel worse. To make it EVEN worse they are the most ENGLISH of families and this will never be spoken of.

Every penny. I resent every penny. All of the pennies.

OP posts:
ssd · 01/12/2016 19:40

the same thing has happened here op

there will be loads of posters who tell you that you dont give to get etc etc, but when you've put yourself out for years and now your kids get nothing its a really big piss take

YANBU to me, but there will be more poster who say you are, as they've never usually been there

ThoraGruntwhistle · 01/12/2016 19:50

I would feel the same tbh, I know one doesn't give to receive etc, but when all the effort and expense is one sided, you can't help but feel put out. It's just really lazy and rude of them, and shows they don't give that much of a crap.

StarlingMurderation · 01/12/2016 19:51

I've had a similar thing - bought for my cousin's girls and my nieces for years, now I have a DS and my cousin and SIL don't send anything for him. My brother is dead so I guess SIL thinks she doesn't have to bother. It makes me want to stop buying for my nieces but that's not fair on them and not what my brother would have wanted. I feel like I'm being shallow because you don't give to receive but I feel bad for DS (even though he's too young to know!), especially as at times I've really been struggling financially but still bought for these children.

Squiff85 · 01/12/2016 19:52

I'd feel the same - YANBU!

Ineverdidmind · 01/12/2016 19:55

YANBU. I hate meanness.

NeedMoreSleepOrSugar · 01/12/2016 19:56

Yanbu, we see the same happening here.

I suppose, to play devils advocate, it's not quite the same thing as when you were buying for your nephews and nieces you probably had more disposable income (as no kids yet) whereas your bil and sil aren't in the same position (likewise ours), but even so, it's a bit shitty.

Upanddownroundandround · 01/12/2016 19:59

YANBU at all. But life is too short to hold on to it. Especially if the family is so English you''ll never get the closure/discussion you want.

Original poster
Namechangebitch · 01/12/2016 20:01

Oh good, it's nice to know I am a festering mess of badly concealed resentment for a good reason.

NeedMore I see the point you are making but Sil now has no kids at home and no mortgage. She is just a thoughtless, mean, selfish pita.

OP posts:
MyWitlessPal · 01/12/2016 20:01

I hear you. Similar this end. Families are very hurtful. I resent lots of pennies and time that I'll never get back.

FlappysMammyAndPopeInExile · 01/12/2016 20:02

.

happychristmasbum · 01/12/2016 20:02

Utter bastards.

ThePinkOcelot · 01/12/2016 20:04

Same here OP. I bought presents for DH sister and her DH and 3 ds. Then suddenly when we had dd, years after them, we were suddenly just buying for the kids. Really pissed me off. So yanbu from me!

DailyMailSucksAss · 01/12/2016 20:08

Gift giving should be reciprocal. Tbh I would encourage DH to hash this out with them as it's his family and it's clearly making him upset.

MissVictoria · 01/12/2016 20:11

Times have gotten harder, maybe they just can't afford it? You chose to give £100 presents, you dont get to expect the same in return

ValaMalDoran · 01/12/2016 20:11

Remember that you gave to the KIDS and it isn't their fault if their parents are twats. Try and focus on that bit. You can't change the parents sadly but it's the kids you treated.

RoseGoldHippie · 01/12/2016 20:15

I don't think your BU at all OP however o have a slightly different take on his sort of thing in my family.

I am an only child and all my cousins are in sets of 2 (not twins just 2 siblings) my parents have gifts for 18 years to each child and then stopped. Same for me, however I think as I am only 1 I should keep getting presents until I'm 36. Grin onlyslightlyjoking

velourvoyageur · 01/12/2016 20:16

Tbh £100 is a lot, it was lovely of you but not the norm in any way - and they don't have to match you. A card or £10 is nice really.
My uncles and aunts and I get on really well and they didn't remember my birthday often as a child. No one got offended.

I think YABU.

NonFatTofuttiRiceDreamsicle · 01/12/2016 20:18

I would be upset too op.

Gift-giving is a actually pretty complex set of interactions, and it's not as easy as "you don't give to receive". Hold on to the fact that buying nice things for your family made you happy at the time, and it defines your character that you put in the effort. That it is not reciprocated is disappointing and hurtful, but it is a reflection on them, not you. I would try and move on now, but I would remember it and not put myself out for them unless I really wanted to.

Original poster
Namechangebitch · 01/12/2016 20:19

My family would indulge in a big argument and lots of sulking. We all send decent pressies cos we are scared of each other.

DP will express his feelings with a loud 'tut' from a hundred miles away. Yeah that really shows them. He will then bottle up the emotions until the next time he gets really drunk.

OP posts:
JohnLapsleyParlabane · 01/12/2016 20:25

I have 16 first cousins. My parents gave every single one of them a book token or other voucher every single Christmas until they were 12. Then every single one of them got £180 from my parents on their 18th.
I never, ever, received a birthday or Christmas present from any of them or their parents.

Some families are shit that way.

ragdoll700 · 01/12/2016 20:25

Yep can see this with my children too we bought fab gifts for them over the years our kids get Sweet F A in return someone posted that times are harder now I dont worry about the cost of the gifts Id be just as happy if they spent time with the kids i.e at treat of a trip to the cinema or even just a cycle in the park gifts dont have to cost money.

TinselTwins · 01/12/2016 20:26

YANBU. that's all I have to contribute. that, and, you're not being grabby or petty, I'ld feel the same.

Serialweightwatcher · 01/12/2016 20:28

That's really mean of them when it's an 18th and when it's for their nephews/nieces the least they could do is the same as you did - rotten beggars

PaulDacresConscience · 01/12/2016 20:28

YANBU. One of my sisters has this; years of present buying for other sister's DC, then when younger sister had her family she gets nada. I don't have DC and have spent 19 years sending birthday, Christmas and Easter gifts - I don't even get a 'thank you' let alone a Christmas card in acknowledgement! Some people are very thoughtless.

usual · 01/12/2016 20:30

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.