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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to really resent the presents I sent!

72 replies

Namechangebitch · 01/12/2016 19:31

DP is the youngest child in his family. Our DC are the youngest nephews/nieces. For years we bought and sent decent presents to Bil and Sils children ( DP has one sister and one brother). On their eighteenth's we made a big effort and sent good presents worth approx £100 - then we bought no more presents for that child.

Our DC are a lot younger. As we stopped buying for their DC our DCs presents got cheaper and later. Bil £5 in a card. Sil a T-shirt or £10.

This year was our eldest child's eighteenth - he got £10 from Bil and a card - 5 days late with nothing in it from Sil.

I know present giving shouldn't be about what you get in return, but ffs the miserable bastards were happy for us to buy for their kids but won't return the favour.

The nephews and nieces appreciated the effort and are always nice to us when we meet up but just at the moment I resent every penny. To make it worse DP is upset about it so I am having to be all 'reasonable' so as not to make him feel worse. To make it EVEN worse they are the most ENGLISH of families and this will never be spoken of.

Every penny. I resent every penny. All of the pennies.

OP posts:
Hassled · 01/12/2016 20:30

We've had similar with my SIL and her kids - she had DCs in her late teens, and DH was mid-thirties before our DC came along, so there was a sizeable gap between cousins. DH was an indulgent generous uncle - SIL is a fairly tightfisted, pretty thoughtless aunt. She's basically a nice person who means well but I don't think it's ever occurred to her that there's an unfair comparison.

And it's not about the money or the actual stuff - it's the showing that you give a shit. I want her to show she gives a shit, like DH did for her kids. So yes, I can see why you resent every penny.

Ifeelsuchafool · 01/12/2016 20:30

Oh don't get me started!!!

As the youngest in my family I've had all this.

Worst thing is that damn nephews and nieces just take for granted.

One nephew, sent £100 for his 21st, never wrote or phoned to say thank you.

I rang him about a week after the event to ask what he had done to celebrate and if he'd had a nice time and still not a word of thanks.

Even asked if he'd received the card (which had the money inside) because I hadn't heard and was worried it might have gone astray.

All I got was, "ye, it arrived ok" not even, "ye, it arrived ok, thanks"

Don't see them any more if I can help it.

Entitled arseholes!

And breathe.

Allthebestnamesareused · 01/12/2016 20:31

My parents still buy for all my cousins and their kids and I only have one uncle who buys for us.

Also I still buy for all my nephews and nieces etc who are older but my sister doesn't reciprocate. It is annoying but I still wouldn't want my nieces/nephews to think I don't care for them

Doyouthinktheysaurus · 01/12/2016 20:33

Yanbu, the same happened with my SIL.

SIL had 4 dc with large age gaps between. We sent gifts birthday and xmas for each until they turned 18. The year after the youngest turned 18 and every year since, my much younger children have received fuck all. It makes me very angry. It's just not fair on my dc's.

teaandakitkat · 01/12/2016 20:36

I hear ya, loud and clear.

Expect nothing and you shall not be disappointed. Some people are just miserable.

£10 for an 18th? She might as well not have bothered. That's just miserable.

MargotLovedTom · 01/12/2016 20:37

They are tight shits OP.

However, in the scenarios where people buy something nice for a family member or friend and get crap or nothing in return? - I wouldn't bother the next year, and not necessarily in a petty, tit for tat way. I'd just take it as a hint that they're not really into doing presents, and would happily take that hint.

cosytoaster · 01/12/2016 20:38

YADNBU - they are being mean, however there's nothing at all you can do about it so try and let it go

Original poster
Namechangebitch · 01/12/2016 20:39

So my next thread is "AIBU to be really glad other people are as resentful as me?"

I am trying to let it go I just needed to get it off my chest.

miserable cow, bloody pair of tightfisted fuckers etc etc

OP posts:
MargotLovedTom · 01/12/2016 20:39

Same goes if people don't even acknowledge the bloody gifts.

IrregularCommentary · 01/12/2016 20:39

My Mum had this too. Bought for my older cousins until they were 18, my aunt and uncle stopped buying for me as soon as their adult children didn't get anything.

CorkieD · 01/12/2016 20:39

This is a difficult one.

On the one hand, £100 is quite a lot to give as a present. If truth be told, I don't see anything especially wrong with giving a tenner.

On the other hand, I think if I were your BIL and SIL, I would certainly feel obliged to reciprocate your generosity.

Enkopkaffetak · 01/12/2016 20:40

YANBU this really bugs me too. My children are the youngest grandchildren on both sides.

BIL has bought ours a Christmas present once. Until his were 18 we bought them both birthday and Christmas presents.

SIL decided when her youngest was 15 that she was done with doing presents so told us to stop getting her children presents at this point our youngest was 5 years old.

then 3 years ago in December my sister wrote a text and told us that she had decided we should no longer do christmas presents but should " obviously "still do birthday presents.. she had that year not sent my november birthday child anything. her dd was 19. My youngest 10. She has the last 2 years not even acknowledged their birthdays with a card this includes anything for dd1s 18th.

So basically from early age my children got no presents from their aunts and uncles. at Christmas time my parents sends money so all presents are bought by me. I am not ok with it but nothing you can do.

RaeSkywalker · 01/12/2016 20:41

I think (for me) it's the thoughtlessness that upsets me with this. There are ways to show you care without spending lots of money.

Original poster
Namechangebitch · 01/12/2016 20:45

Enkopk oh I forgotten about that.
Pil gave us money to buy presents for our DC. So we were buying all the presents, wrapping them and then putting their name on the tag.

I'm building up a new head of resentment.

I know we choose to spend a lot and I didn't expect the same amount but I did think Sil might give something.

OP posts:
Foxyloxy1plus1 · 01/12/2016 20:51

I've been buying presents for family members for ten years and have never been thanked or acknowledged in any way for either Christmas or birthday. It's got to the point where I still buy them, but as cheaply as possible. Part of me feels bad about it, but I also rather resent feeling that I should keep on buying.

GabsAlot · 01/12/2016 20:53

i do get your point but not the dc's fault its their stingy parents

although u didnt have to spend 100 on each

Bobsmum02 · 01/12/2016 20:53

Similar thing happened in our family, me and my sister are quite a bit older than our cousins (mums niece and nephew) so when they were young we always bought them presents as this was the done thing in our family. We didn't mind until they grew up and did not reciprocate, although a bit pissed off we carried on for a few years even though one of them is a VERY (VERY) high earner. Last year we didn't buy them and they actually asked where their presents where on Christmas Day!!! I have not bought again this year!!

Drivingmadness · 01/12/2016 20:54

my parents are not poor, going on expensive holidays, South Africa, around the world cruises (plural!).
Dc just got a xmas card today with £15.
I was planning to meet up with them=travel abroad to meet them.But they have some more travel plans, so no, they won't see their grandchildren ( they only see once a year).

ILoveAntButHateDec · 01/12/2016 20:57

Same here. My siblings are 14 and 12 years older than me. I bought for their children until they were 18. My youngest is 13. She has not had a present, card, money, voucher from them since their children became adults and I stopped buying for theirs.

I didn't spent £100 on any of their children but it hurts to think I thought enough of my 6 nieces and nephews to buy them Christmas, Birthday and Easter gifts and my siblings don't have the same sentiment towards my dd. It's not a huge problem in the grand scheme of things but it irks nevertheless Flowers

RandomMess · 01/12/2016 20:59

I still remember how my Aunt gave my older brother a significant cash gift for his 18th - I never got anything!!!

228agreenend · 01/12/2016 21:06

Firstly, can they afford expensive presents? Secondly, it's not a present competition.

However, I know exactly where you are coming from. Had they always given cheaper presents, then it's not so bad. Sometimes a well thought out £10 present can be better than a lazy £30 present.

The 18th present situation is abysmal.

I feel your pain.

PinkyPie80 · 01/12/2016 21:09

Same here. One year my SIL asked for a high chair for her youngest and some sort of expensive game for her eldest, which we stupidly bought. When it came to opening the presents on Xmas day she got our 1 year daughter..... a scarf. A fucking scarf. I now put £5 in a card

ViewBasket · 01/12/2016 21:13

YANBU, of course it would be right for them to return the favour.

Did you actually say to them that you would stop sending gifts when the children turned 18? Perhaps when you stopped, they just thought you'd decided not to "do" gifts any more, and didn't think about the long-term record (although they should have done!)

A relative stopped sending me presents when I turned 18, but didn't tell my parents, who in turn were sending gifts to this person's grown-up children for quite some time afterwards!

PhilODox · 01/12/2016 21:17

We have exactly the same! 22 years of lovely, thoughtful presents... our school don't even get birthday cards from them!
It's not an income issue, goodness knows what issue it is.

ssd · 01/12/2016 21:24

I hate to say it but I'm so glad others have such selfish arsehole families like me Blush