Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

AIBU to really resent the presents I sent!

72 replies

Namechangebitch · 01/12/2016 19:31

DP is the youngest child in his family. Our DC are the youngest nephews/nieces. For years we bought and sent decent presents to Bil and Sils children ( DP has one sister and one brother). On their eighteenth's we made a big effort and sent good presents worth approx £100 - then we bought no more presents for that child.

Our DC are a lot younger. As we stopped buying for their DC our DCs presents got cheaper and later. Bil £5 in a card. Sil a T-shirt or £10.

This year was our eldest child's eighteenth - he got £10 from Bil and a card - 5 days late with nothing in it from Sil.

I know present giving shouldn't be about what you get in return, but ffs the miserable bastards were happy for us to buy for their kids but won't return the favour.

The nephews and nieces appreciated the effort and are always nice to us when we meet up but just at the moment I resent every penny. To make it worse DP is upset about it so I am having to be all 'reasonable' so as not to make him feel worse. To make it EVEN worse they are the most ENGLISH of families and this will never be spoken of.

Every penny. I resent every penny. All of the pennies.

OP posts:

troubleinstore · 01/12/2016 21:25

I have given gifts to my neices and nephews since they were little. Now they are older and adult I still buy for them and now their children, but they don't buy for my child who is still young. The thing I hate most is that I never get a thank you for anything. They all work and aren't struggling by all accounts judging by the holidays and new cars and lifestyle they lead. Just a call would be nice. I have started just to give token gifts now, as I never know if they like what I've gifted so I don't waste too much money.

ssd · 01/12/2016 21:28

I'm not sending presents this year for family, like you op , sent presents for years and years, not out of obligation, but because I wanted to, then mum died and mine get nothing now as mum isnt there to remind them...and no 18th anything for my eldest this year either, even though they all earn multiples of our income

selfish bastards

AWaspOnAWindowInAHeatwave · 01/12/2016 21:37

Same here.

For 20 years BIL's kids have had decent presents from us.

Then our DC came along (when BiL'a kids were in their mid teens) and BIL changed the rules to "let's just buy for the kids". TBF ours are still young enough to be happy with the £5 worth of plastic BIL buys for them, but his kids have expected more expensive gifts as they've grown older (standard request now is a £20 voucher each plus something to open).

We don't give to receive either, but I agree it does grate a bit.

eddielizzard · 01/12/2016 21:39

same here. decades of presents to nieces and nephews and fuck all in return. they're all too busy, living the life of riley now their kids have left home

greenfolder · 01/12/2016 21:44

We had exactly the same.Dh youngest by a fair way in his family. We had 7 neices and nephews ranging from 10 down to 4 when we had our eldest. We bought nice presents for them but more importantly made a huge effort to go to their parties, take them out for a treat and just spend time with them. Our youngest dd is now 9. She gets 1 birthday card from the whole side of the family and a few years back they were all hours late to her birthday party deliberately. I've not invited them since.

ssd · 01/12/2016 21:46

being the youngest seems to be a theme here, are they youngest usually forgotten about then or is that just me

eddielizzard · 01/12/2016 21:47

no it's me too

Ohyesiam · 01/12/2016 21:52

Just go forward in smugness that you and your partner are way classier, have more style, and have just got it much more RIGHT than b and sil

ILoveAntButHateDec · 01/12/2016 21:52

The youngest are obviously not important once the oldest become adults.

MadisonAvenue · 01/12/2016 21:52

Same here OP. We have three nephews, all in their 20s now and I've still bought for them this year. Whether SIL will think to buy for our two sons though, her only two nephews as her husband has no siblings and she just has one brother, my husband, is another matter.
She always manages to forget our youngest son's birthday too, with just two nephews it shouldn't be too difficult to keep tabs on when they're celebrating. In the 29 years since she had her first son I've always made sure that they've had their card and present on time.
It's very hurtful.

I've knocked a cousin of mine off my present list this year. I always bought for her and her husband and she bought for us and our sons. When she had children I obviously bought for them too. She then stopped buying for me and my husband and over the last two years has stopped buying for our sons too, even though I've still bought lovely things for her two.
That's fair enough, I like giving gifts and I enjoy picking out the perfect thing for someone. What does upset me though is that she doesn't bother to send us a thank you but she does send one to my parents for their gifts, along with a photo of her children. Why pick and choose who gets a thank you and who doesn't?
After last Christmas I decided that it was the last time I'd buy for them.

ssd · 01/12/2016 23:08

what I've found, IME of being the youngest and sending presents every Xmas and birthday to nieces and nephews for years and years, is that once I had kids and the nieces and nephews were in their twenties and I stopped sending them gifts, my older sibling complained that I hadnt sent her grown up kids anything and promptly stopped sending my primary age kids anything

TinselTwins · 01/12/2016 23:21

Or ssd, when your siblings have DCs first, you always buy thoughtful gifts for them, then when you have children suddenly there's "too many to buy for" so everyone should "just do small jokey things for the kids to keep it manageable" YEAH! that WOULD HAVE been great…. if you suggested it one of those years when I didn't have DCs but was giving your DCs happily recieved thoughtful substantial gifts!

PickAChew · 01/12/2016 23:33

I'm now glad I took the initiative to suggest presents for the kids only, with my kids being the youngest on both sides. We're a little better off (not high earners) than SILs on both sides and were happier for the thought to go into the kids than to give and receive stuff that wasn't really wanted and, more importantly, for SILs to give stuff they had to scrimp for (particularly because one SIL is into big ticket presents despite earning little more than NMW, while our values are a bit different and we've had Christmases when we've spent no more than £30 on the right things for our own kids!).

eddielizzard · 02/12/2016 07:03

i went to visit my family last year - they all live overseas. i wasn't sure about the present rule so i asked if we just bought presents for kids only or adults as well? no reply. so i duly bought for everyone. cost a fortune. oh - it was kids only. didn't you know? so dh and i got nothing but gave everyone else masses. that was fun.

alreadytaken · 02/12/2016 08:28

A bit of resentment is understandable but you need to put it aside and move on. It damages you, not them.

BlackberryandNettle · 02/12/2016 09:58

Present rules within the family seem fraught with issues! We are the youngest lot in our family too and have always bought suggested gift from the Christmas lists for or 6 nephews/nieces. Easy for us but a little sad not to ever get to choose a gift. Now we have very young DC, sil emails us with what she wants to buy ours and what she wants us to buy hers. In a way making it easier/she does check presents but feels a bit controlling and resent the change of system at the same time, she definitely seems to feel she is the best better present buyer. Other bil has taken to buying random gifts of their choice for ours too whilst asking to give cash to his dcs. I'm sure the other side probably resent 'having' to think of pressies! We're going along with it all as not worth a disagreement, would rather get on as well as poss.

SEsofty · 02/12/2016 11:57

No one asked you to spend £100. That was your choice and is a truly staggering amount of money to spend on a nephew.

Not getting a thank you for that is shocking.

Not sending a card is rubbish though.

ssd · 02/12/2016 22:15

tinsel, I agree, but even a small jokey thing here would be better than nothing for ds1's 18th (and we have no extended family to care about them either)

from now on they will get nothing from me

BackforGood · 02/12/2016 22:28

I too think you spent a staggering amount on presents though.
Quite possibly they always spend a more reasonable amount on all the gifts they give?

Bitofacow · 03/12/2016 11:10

Nothing at all for an 18th, that is more reasonable?

Whisky2014 · 03/12/2016 11:15

Oh good, it's nice to know I am a festering mess of badly concealed resentment for a good reason.

This really made me laugh!

Original poster

Namechangebitch · 03/12/2016 21:52

So in the interest of full disclosure a present arrived this morning. Perhaps Sil is on MN. Hmmmm

Over 10 days after his 18th a present arrived. No card, no explanation. An padded envelope a nice present was enclosed. I'm not saying what it was in case my SIL is reading this (BTW I always said you were nice, it was everyone else who said you were mean. Not me. No way)

The power of MN.

I think DP's family are all very kind generous people, if a little forgetful.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3