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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if you think sexual orientation is fixed this early on?

56 replies

demonchilde · 01/12/2016 19:03

Ok- so DS4 (11) is adamant he is gay, and has been saying so for at least 2-3 years now. So as not to drip feed, or miss anything out, he also has ASD, and as such a tendency to just say what he is thinking without any fear or care of how a person will react to that, or whether it is an appropriate time to mention it. Which can be fun.

This is not something that would bother me or anyone in my family at all, he is what he is, and if he brings it up we will just talk openly about it. However, if it has ever been discussed, a lot of people will argue that he can't possibly be sure of his sexual orientation at that age, but I'm not sure I agree. A lot of heterosexual people will say it wasn't like there was a specific time they realised they were attracted to the opposite sex- they just knew, and I think it's likely it is the same for him.

Just wondering what others think? AIBU to think sexual orientation is something that is likely to be known and fixed from such a young age, or not?

OP posts:

TheSparrowhawk · 01/12/2016 19:05

11 isn't particularly young. A lot of kids that age are at the beginning of puberty and have sexual feelings. If they're gay, those sexual feeling will be focused on the same sex.

Champagneformyrealfriends · 01/12/2016 19:06

At 11 I think he can.

sillygoof · 01/12/2016 19:07

Although sexual orientation is complicated, I reckon most people are 'born' gay, that's just the way they are and always will be - it's not a choice for most people. It sounds like you're really accepting, I'm happy for him that he can talk to you about it.

WhooooAmI24601 · 01/12/2016 19:08

I met my friend C when we were both 10. He knew then he was gay though we didn't really have the language or understanding to comprehend it too well. But yeah, he was gay from the moment I met him. Nobody would have the right to question it, it's up to each individual how they feel and who they are.

NetflixandBill · 01/12/2016 19:09

I do think sexuality is formed quite young. I know i 'fancied' boys from being in infant school and had had a couple of intense crushes by 11. A friend of mine who is gay said similarly that he knew he liked boys for as long as he could remember too.

JagerPlease · 01/12/2016 19:10

If I'd known what 'gay' was when I was 11, then I'd have known I was gay. But equally many young people may question their sexuality and later realise they're heterosexual. He certainly isn't too young to know

Original poster

demonchilde · 01/12/2016 19:10

Yes, that's very true actually. But he was saying this even at 8, perhaps even younger, which did seem quite young to know for definite like he seemed to.

OP posts:

Godstopper · 01/12/2016 19:11

It can be.

It was for me, although I couldn't articulate it back then: all of my emotional attachments were to female friends/teachers, and I've never had the slightest inclination towards looking at men. It's a bit like my having brown eyes - it's just there, and always has been.

The only reason I knew not to speak about it was because this was "wrong." It's a good thing your son feels happy enough to speak about this: he may be, he may not - but it doesn't matter as long as he's in an open, supportive environment, which it seems he is :)

Mypurplecaravan · 01/12/2016 19:11

I'm of the opinion that sexuality isn't fixed at any age.

But that being said 11 isn't particularly young. Especially so for boys.

It is a really difficult balance to be supportive without being too supportive (if you see what I mean). I had some friends who came out to their parents in early teens then felt they had to 'go back in' when they fell in love with someone of the other sex... and felt they had let their family down who had been so supportive and accepting of them when they were gay.

The other end of the spectrum is implying this is all a phase

Basically you can't win

So just let him know that you love him and support him

pipsqueak25 · 01/12/2016 19:12

i'm open minded on this one as i think sexuality is fluid in the respect that peoples ideas and feelings change esp when young, i'd be supportive but not make a big issue out of it and generally be there for him. now he's told you it's not a subject that you have to keep discussing several times a week.

ellanutella8 · 01/12/2016 19:15

I didn't have the knowledge at 11 but I was definitely having interests in female teachers/actresses from age 7/8. Some of my favourite actresses today are the ones I 'liked' at that age.

In this day and age I think children do have the knowledge of what gay is at 11.

However I got to 19 and realised I also liked men so sexual orientation can be fluid.

Original poster

demonchilde · 01/12/2016 19:50

Lots of interesting comments. It's sad to think that even a generation or so ago many young people wouldn't have felt free to express their sexually without worrying about reactions to it. That's a lot for people to cope with at that age, when feeling accepted for who you are is so important, and it's fantastic to see how much attitudes towards sexuality have improved even since I was a similar age.

I never said it's a subject we discuss every week. Far from it. It's just something that has come up ocassionally over the course of a few years. No issue is being made of it- the opposite really.

My reason for asking is really just curiosity about whether it is something fixed or fluid in people at some point or somewhere in between.

OP posts:

DullUserName · 01/12/2016 19:55

DC1 is Ace, and knew that they wasn't the same as their friends from about 9/10ish... they just couldn't quite place what it was that was different. They came out at 13. I'd long thought that they were not straight, as it was quite clear that they had no interest whatsoever in the opposite sex.

HermioneJeanGranger · 01/12/2016 19:58

I think it definitely CAN be fixed at that age, but similarly, lots of people don't realise until their teens or even twenties/thirties.

I'm bisexual but I didn't really know that I liked girls until my late teens - probably because I grew up attending a Christian school in a fairly right-wing community and it just wasn't discussed or even something I'd even think about.

But maybe if I lived somewhere more liberal and accepting, I'd have realised at a younger age, if that makes sense.

pinkcardi · 01/12/2016 20:02

My best friend at 9 was a boy who I also 'knew' was gay but didn't really understand what that was or meant. I distinctly remember thinking that he would never get married or have a girlfriend. Turns out I was right

Original poster

demonchilde · 01/12/2016 20:03

That's interesting DullUserName as DS also at first said he knew he was 'different' but not quite how. I assumed that was the ASD but maybe not.

Also, I have 4 boys and of all of them, I have always for some reason thought if any were going to be gay, it would be him. I don't know why I thought that but I definitely did ( and no, that wasn't ever a big issue or projected onto him- just the odd idle thought over the course of many years).

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/12/2016 20:36

Someone told me she was gay at 4 years old and she's taller than me now and gay.

I also think that until a straight child is told it's a phase or that they don't know yet, we need to stop thinking gay children don't know.

jmh740 · 01/12/2016 21:32

My son is gay I think I knew when he was in nursery, the first time he told me he was gay he was about 8 or 9, lots of people thought it was a phase he's 22 now and it was definitely not a phase.

2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney · 01/12/2016 21:36

I knew my best friend next door neighbour was different to other boys when we were about 7 or 8 . Didn't have the vocabulary, just knew.

RoseGoldHippie · 01/12/2016 21:38

Although I would encourage him to be who he is, I would try to encourage him not to define his sexual orientation (either way!) that young.

I've known people (mainly women TBH) who came out when they were 13/14 some then realised at 18/19 that they actually were not lesbians and fell for blokes (probably bi TBH but never identified as such)

Just as coming out of the closet can be hard, going back in is equally difficult, especially if you surround yourself with an if group of friends who all army together as they feel they have been through and can support each other through life as LGBT.

I think kids should be kids and don't need a homosexual/heterosexual label attached to them!

Ohyesiam · 01/12/2016 21:47

When my brother was 4, he told DM that he was going to marry Harrison Ford.
It turns out he was aiming a bit high, but he was certainly right about his orientation.at almost 50 he has never fancied a woman yet.

Livelovebehappy · 01/12/2016 21:48

I don't suppose it's that relevant at that age. You're not going to treat him differently whether he is gay or heterosexual; life will go on as normal, and he will be who he wants to be. The main thing is to not make it an issue, or label him. All he needs to know is that you will be supportive of him whatever the future brings.

RoseGoldHippie · 01/12/2016 21:49

Livelovebehappy exactly what I was getting at but a lot better put! :)

MatildaTheCat · 01/12/2016 21:53

Very few people are, apparently 100% straight or gay with most being strongly towards one or the other, some suppressing their feelings and some simply falling in love with the person rather than the gender.

I can imagine that an asd child, even as young as 8-9 might feel quite fixed about this subject as with many other subjects.

DotForShort · 01/12/2016 21:53

I think it is entirely possible that he knows he is gay at this age. Many people feel certain about their sexual orientation at a young age.

Out of curiosity, is he your youngest son? Some fascinating studies have been conducted concerning birth order and male sexual orientation.

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